I went back to the palmistry some time last week, and some time this week too. But in the past few weeks, he isn't even charging any fees. I wonder whether he just pities me because my prophecy isn't changing. Or whether he's just trying to be sympathetic. I hate being looked at like a kicked puppy...I'm almost embarrassed to say that I'm thinking more and more about what's taken place in the last few weeks, and oh my god...
Okay, I don't know any better way to say this but to say it outright...but I almost killed the palmister. My gods, I say that I can't believe that I would do that kind of thing. Like, who the hell am I to I turn into to turn into some idiot or some crazy insane idiot who murders people just because they provided a prophecy, something they think is true and real. Who have I become?
I'm almost embarrassed to think about my past actions, but I will have to live what I did. I have to accept what I did wrong, even though I'm too embarrassed to think about it, the scientist part of me is forcing myself.
It's the reason I haven't updated, it's the reason that I haven't updated in over a month...and the reason that the drug hasn't exactly gotten anywhere in terms of research. So...okay. One night, after the prophecy, I was feeling excessively angry - like really angry. That I started researching about old blueprints, and how you can get your hands on one. I called a guy who knew a guy (and no, I'm not telling you his name) who could help me get to these blueprints, and I was going to pay them a premium. $1000 for a single copy of paper. But when I had gotten the money, they said that the palmister had already taken care of the fee. Wait what? I accepted it just because I was so blind with hate, but I should have realized something was weird. I started planning how I could get in, starting paying more attention to location of security cameras and started staying later so I could see how hyped up security is around the area. I found out that, because the palmist lives on the second floor of some yoga studio, that it's actually not too hard to get in and out because there's so few units above, and the tenant's only concern for nothing to go missing. The old lady above the palmist is also awfully friendly about letting people in "after hours."
Anyway, so I planned all around this, and decided on a whim, that within the week, I was going to break into the palmist's suite and...oh gods. And kill him, in cold-blooded murder even though he had done nothing wrong. And I mean nothing. Like absolutely nothing wrong, just doing his job and doing what he can do make a living, and people like me - people who are scared and annoyed at their lives take it out on him. I can't get the fact, how the hell could I mess up to that extent? Who on earth would want to marry some person like that?
So I went in the next week, not even a lie. I buzzed the elderly lady above her, who was more than willing to let me in. She even suggested that I go up for a 'cuppa,' but I was just so not in the mood. Not down for some insane thing like that, not with the rage I was carrying at that time. I just kind of went "yeah" and walked up. But I had to position my knife in the perfect way that it wasn't visible from the security camera, and I wore my hat and sweater in a way that they couldn't see my face.
When I got in, I knew what I had to do and I expected all my moves. But for some reason, the palmister was literally sitting in his chair, the chair he uses when listening to patients. I tried enter slowly, but somehow, he saw right through me. He didn't even look up before saying "I know why you're here, and I know what you're trying to do, but it's a bad idea..." I was taken aback...so taken aback that I had no idea what to do. I'm about to kill a guy in cold blood, and all he can say is "I know why you're here, but I can vouch for my life so you shouldn't kill me?" Fine, I wasn't in the right frame of mind, but what the heck am I supposed to say after the fact that he knew I was going to murder him? -_- Anyway, I didn't do anything that night, I'm so glad that I came to my senses and didn't do anything stupid that night. I'm glad that he was able to talk some sense out of me. Not that I'm happy that the prophecy is still the same, but at least it wasn't the worst case scenario.
Thing is, I learned something about my family that I never wanted to learn. There's a reason why the palmister didn't charge money for the past few appointments, and there's a reason that he paid for the blueprint. He's hinted at it a few times in meetings, but I just never thought his true reason would ever come out. I'm not a hundred percent sure, but he said something about being related to me by blood. As if finding out that I'm destined to marry my sister and then murder my father, and find out that my palmister is related to me by blood, this life is insane. I shouldn't believe it - but I do. And I don't know why.
I don't realize until I leave, that he's the only person in my life that I've every thought about killing - and he's been dropping hints about being related by blood. Is it possible that he is? That he actually is? Or he's playing me? Part of me doesn't want to find out just like I didn't want to find out about Jocasta. Then part of me wonders whether he's just saying it just cause and doesn't want to expand on it, or whether he's actually truly, meaning what he's suggesting.
