Hey Diary!
How's it going? I shouldn't be asking you that, haha. But you kind of helped me through the hardest time of my life, I would be glad to return the favour...but you're kind of a paper book. Don't get me wrong, you make me happy and all, you listen, but that doesn't mean that I can return feelings for you. I must sound so awkward, haaha!
Anyways, so I just thought I'd do a quick update, since you might be wondering how my life is going. Surprisingly, life has been absolutely awesome! I really do love it, even though I thought there would be a slight bit of awkwardness between Oedipus and I, but there isn't. There's none at all. I think we're both just so excited that we've found parts of our family...my brother, my father, my son, and newfound step-sister. It doesn't make it easy when I found out, but slowly and surely, I've been getting to know my father, son, and sister more.
Wait, you don't know about my son, do you? I was so happy when the Lightman Group helped me find him - they said that they saw someone at the palmister's when they walked in, but they didn't tell me this before. I'm okay with that, I think at that time, it was a little bit too much to handle. Anyway, they went to interview my father - the palmister, and he had a "patient." He wasn't showing too much anxiety or nervousness, but somehow, they saw the resemblance between the palmister and the boy. I don't see much, but all of my friends keep telling me that he looks like me.
Right, Lightman Group. Two months ago, Oedipus saw Cal and Gillian in my hospital room, and he never questioned it. I still don't know whether that's because he didn't want to know or he just forgot about it or he remembers and doesn't want to push me for the information. I didn't know what to tell him..that I had hired a group of liar-detectives to investigate your disappearance..but I did. He was blown away that I would go to that extent to find him, but he really shouldn't be. He's the first person that I truly opened up to and he is the only person who knows who I really am. I don't think I'll ever get close to another person like that, but I am satisfied and content with life now. I like it, having all of them by my side.
I'm still living with Oedipus under the same roof, of course not in the way we were before, but it's still rather unnatural for us to sleep on different beds, so we still take up the master bedroom ourselves. It's better for both of us because we know that we're not judgemental of each other, so we can still change and everything in the same room, it's just a matter of having a little bit of privacy when it's needed.
It's awkward living in a 3-bedroom house, and only using one of the bedrooms. We have a study room downstairs for the both of us to work in. We suggested that my son, Tom, move into the other bedroom. I didn't think he would say yes, but I kept the option open to him. I meet with him about once a week at the gym; some people still think it's too old for me to go climbing, but I don't think so. It's something that can bring me closer to my son, and that's the one thing that I want to provide for him, something that I have never done before.
At one point, I thought that I couldn't be a good wife, or a role model sister, or a good mom, but then I realized - none of that matters. As long as you do the best that you can do, then that's enough. I always knew that, subconsciously but I don't think I've ever taken it to heart. I've learned so much in the 2 months that I've had to grow with my new-found family, and it's like something I've never quite experienced before.
Anyway, Tom! He said that he won't live in permanently, but that he'll take up the second bedroom and stay there occasionally. It gives me the opportunity to learn how to be a mother without having the full responsibility, which is something I truly, do need.
I can't say the same with my father, I'm glad that I've known him, but I can't quite relate to him the way Oedipus does. Part of me finds strange ways Oedipus acts when he's around him, which makes me wonder whether he's trying to convince himself that he's okay with meeting and hanging around his father. I know there's a small voice in my head that tells me that it doesn't matter - it truly doesn't, because he can have any idea of his father he wants. But the other part tells me that I should warn him not to become too close in case he becomes disappointed. Then, I think back to the times where I could have used some advice, and I realize that even though someone needs the advice, sometimes, it's just a lot better to let them go through it, and let them learn what they did right or wrong.
That relationship is still up in the air just because first, I don't have time to see him too often even though we have the family dinner every Friday (yes, that tradition still sticks). He's almost the awkward one out, he's definitely the one that brought me and Tom together, but he's just that strange soul that I've never quite understood exactly how to approach him or talk to him. I've never had a fatherly figure in my life and I'm truly happy that I do today.
And then my mother, it took me a while to be able to ask about her to my father. It seemed like a sensitive topic for him, but he said he would tell me anyway. He says that they were the perfect couple before I was born and then they gave me up for adoption, and she was broken. It was like a part of her was missing, and she was never the same. She had the positive outlook on life, the one that both Oedipus and I have. She still tried to see the positive side of things, but she was torn by giving me up. She even sent a request to find me again, and she would visit the adoption centre every single month to see if I was there. Four years later, they thought that they could have another child, so they did. But it brought back way too many memories for my mother, that in the middle of the night, she brought Oedipus to the adoption centre and left and collapsed with grief of giving both her children away. She left that day, she didn't bring anything of importance...she packed a few days worth of clothes and left without a word. He filed a report for the police, but they didn't have anything to go on. They tried, they really did...but there were so many people in shelters and on the streets that they didn't know where to look. But my father always knew that she would be good at hiding, that was the thing that she had a thing for. She knew how to do it and she knew how to do it well.
He got an email a few months back saying that she was getting back on track with her life. She was in a shelter that helped young kids get off the streets by using art, but she was volunteering there. My father said that he knew that she would get out of the phase, but he never knew when the "best" time was. He just never truly did. He didn't know whether it would be okay bringing back the old memories or any of that, so he didn't do anything, anything at all. He said that he still hasn't responded to the email just because he doesn't know what to do. I've opened my mind after finding my brother and my father, I thought I'd suggest that he do the same. And he did. I was truly surprised that he would take the idea and thought of his eldest daughter into account, but he did. And I'm not complaining. He responded to the email yesterday.
Even though my life has taken on entirely new meaning, I'm still happy that it's gone this way. I've met the people I belong with, for life.
Again, I couldn't thank you enough for being here when I needed it, and I'm glad I had you the entire way there.
- Jocasta, with love
