Oh gods.

My god. Cal and Gillian finally found out the prophecy that Oedipus got, and it's an absolutely terrifying thought. No wonder he left or he did-whatever-he-did because I don't know how I would react. I often think about what I'm going to do in the future, but this time, I can't even imagine how I would react. What my reaction would even be.

Gosh, the prophecy part. He was told that he was going to marry his sister and murder his father...part of me says that it's not possible and it's not true just because I don't believe in prophecies. But neither does Oedipus, and there's almost no doubt that he took it to heart. Makes me wonder whether it means something, whether it's too much to ask to ask him to come back and ignore the prophecy.

But he clearly thought it was important or he thought it was true before leaving which scares me even more. He's spent over $500 on this palmister, it could just be a scheme. But so far, it's the only pathway that Cal and Gillian know of, so they're going to follow it and see where they end up.

We've been over prophecies together too, I'm not even sure why he would take this one to heart. But, he must have said something convincing. It almost reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, how convincing he was when he wanted something, but a lot of people have that kind of "trick." I'll never have it, but I think Oedipus has a bit of it...

We'll see how it turns out, I still don't fully believe that the palmister was telling the truth and Oedipus was acting out of his own free will. He had to have had a reason to leave, a reason to avoid me.

I know the feeling so well, when I was a senior in high school, I was with my boyfriend, and we did it for the first time. We only ever did it once, so we never talked about it. But after about a month, I started getting sick. I thought it was a cold or flu, so I went to the doctor who instead, gave me a pregnancy test. It came back positive. This was by far, the most hectic time in my life. I had to choose between putting it up for adoption, abortion, or raising and keeping it as my own. I was never going to abort the pregnancy - I could never think about killing my baby. I was left with the other two options, and I was torn. I had decided that I was going to keep it, but my boyfriend at the time convinced me that if the baby was put up for adoption, chances were, it would have much more interaction with other children and be able to expand their horizons. I had been debating for a really long time, before the baby was even born. I had decided, it would be way too hard to go to the adoption centre with my boyfriend because I would keep thinking back...so I would give birth to my son or daughter, spend a night with him or her, and then the next day, bring it to the adoption centre - without my boyfriend around. I just thought that it would be a lot easier for me to do it without him - and for him, a lot easier to not see his son or daughter and then have doubts. He was more of that kind of person - convincing, but much more doubtful in the middle of the act. I wanted to protect him, but that backfired, and he left me. He didn't even say anything, he just packed all of his stuff and left. I never saw him after that. Part of me thinks that it's my fault and that I did something wrong, and I know I did. But the other part of me wanted to find out what it felt like to not be tied down to someone - having the responsibility of looking after a kid and having to go home to a boyfriend. It wasn't that I didn't love him, I did - but sometimes, we spent a bit too much time together. The other part of me tells me that I was just an idiot, and if we had both brought it to the adoption centre together, it would have been much better. And that if we both changed our minds, so be it. We would grow up with a baby boy between us and we might have grown a lot closer rather than just walking out on each other and throwing away the four years as if they were nothing. That's by biggest regret in life, but I don't think that's even related

What I meant to say, is that I understand the feelings that Oedipus is going through - the idea of protecting themselves and the people they love from themselves. They think that something is wrong with themselves, and so they act on it, and they try to distance themselves. I did that, and it took me years to get back. After giving up my son for adoption, I was so guilty that I gave him up and I was so guilty that my boyfriend walked out that I couldn't maintain a job and ended up living on the streets for a year and a half. It's not nearly as bad as you think it is, but there are some cold days in the park where you bundle up in everything you own, and police officers come in and say "You can't sleep there." But they don't tell you where else you can go, they just kick you out..so the minute they leave, you just start sleeping there again. You wake up the next morning, and you talk to the people that you talk to everyday. I used to hang around the hot dog shop, and if there were any leftovers, the vendor - she would give them to me. I'm still in contact with her, she's the nicest fellow I've ever met in my years.

But the key is that I've bounced back from it, I managed to find a boyfriend, and we aren't attached at the hip - we do a lot of things together but we know when enough is enough. We both know that boundary. When we want to go our separate ways or do our separate things, we can do it without being questioned by the other. We do grocery shopping together, but when it comes to clothing-shopping, or fashion-shopping, we split up. And it's not that big of a deal...some couples say that we're almost impersonal, and it's like we don't know each other. But we do know each other, we know more about each other than anybody else knows about us, and we're similar in that way. We just know that we don't have to stick together to show that love to each other.

Peaceful Blissfulness

It's who-knows how many months later, I didn't bother bringing a watch or anything that can keep track of time when I left. I'd rather not know.

I just can't believe that Jocasta is actually my [older] sister. How did I not notice that before? Scientists know that they're attracted to people who think alike, and we were so alike. We were able to live together but independently, and somehow,  I couldn't keep my side. Had I just given up the research in the stupid lab on her DNA, I would have never known and I never would have to find out. Then we wouldn't even be in this trouble. It was just all my fault. 

I'm in the mountains, now. I don't know where else to go, I just always found the mountainside relaxing. But that relaxation is really not getting to me right now. It should, but it isn't. Not even in the slightest. 

I've always thought that Jocasta was someone who I could talk to all the time. I never thought that she would betray me like that, but she didn't betray me. She just had absolutely no idea. Arguably, neither did I, but that doesn't make this whole situation okay. Nothing makes it okay...it just can't be "alright" any more. I don't even know how my relationship with Jocasta will be if I go home. She was always just the one person who understood things that were going on in my life. She was the one person who always understood. We'll see how it goes.....I'm off to bed now. I don't know what time it is, but it's getting dark and I'm getting sleepy.

And my mind keeps wandering back to the palmister, did he mean it? Was he suggesting something? I'm almost very sure it was, but I can't be sure - I can't be sure at all. I'm never sure when it comes to these kinds of things...part of me knows that the palmister wouldn't suggest something like that if he knew something. But the other part of me knows that he might not be all that trustworthy cause I haven't exactly known him that long. I don't know..

Maybe it doesn't even matter - since I've put my old life behind. I'm here - in the mountains, just peaceful and relaxing.

I don't know whether I'll go back. I don't know whether it will be days, months or years before I head back, but I'm not ready to face Jocasta or the palmister - not yet.

Night/Morning. 

Phew!

Me, Myself, and I:

So the Lightman Group did a little bit more digging into the building and the residents he could have visited. Earlier, they narrowed it down to the one unit, where they thought Oedipus was having an affair. But it's nothing even remotely related to that - the girl's father is a palm reader. I think they're called palmisters (or something along the sort), and they're supposed to be able to predict someone's future. I don't really know why Oedipus would have gone to a palmister, being a scientist and all. In the past, if there was ever a problem, he would turn to science - because he was that kind of person. Oedipus turning to a palmister for help or for advice is just so strange!

Either way, I'm happy I denied his involvement with another woman, because even though our relationship isn't that great, I am convinced that nothing of that sort would have taken place. Somehow, it's a lot less concerning that he was visiting a palmister rather than a woman, even though I'd like to find his reasoning behind visiting a palmister in the first place.

With all these interesting that Oedipus is doing, it makes me wonder whether it was something the palmister said that made him so angry and run away. Part of me says that it isn't like him to just walk out of the room - I just don't think he would do some kind of thing. The other part of me tells me that just as I am, we both act on our emotions. And if he was annoyed or angry or upset about something that was said, he would take it to heart - just as I would.

Cal and Gillian said that they would push the palmister for her prophet that she told him, so I'm hoping to get some kind of perspective soon.

- Jocasta

Really?

Me, Myself, and I:

I've found out why Oedipus was out on Friday nights...he went to the building, the one that he got the blueprints for - over and over. Cal thinks he might have been visiting one of the young ladies there. Cal thinks that Oedipus was having an affair. My god, as if this couldn't get any worse!

I can't believe that Oedipus would do this kind of thing to me. I thought I was a "loyal"-enough wife that he wouldn't go searching for another person. I'm almost taken aback that he would feel the need to find someone else. Part of me doesn't believe it. I want to see it from him - see pictures of him with this girl, and then maybe - just maybe, I'll fully believe it. Even if there are pictures, there could a thousand more reasons. I want Oedipus so say it to my face, if it's actually true. I'm in denial.

But on the same hand, maybe he was there...not because he was...doing things with her, maybe her home business is there? Or maybe he was visiting her father? I just don' think Oedipus would do something like that, not to me. I thought I could trust him - I know I can trust him, I don't think it's even remotely possible that this could have been him. I respect him far too much that I can't put this past him. I just don't believe it!

We'll see how it plays out.

- Jocasta

The Not-So-Quick Interview

I shouldn't be saying this, but I'm sick of having no one to talk to, it's just not how I want to live my life.

Anyway, Cal and Gillian started talking with me today and asking me questions. The typical like:

"Was there anything wrong with your relationship?"
"How was your relationship with each other in the last 6 months? Last year?"

These were by far, the hardest questions I've had to answer. Because the one part of me just wants to shut everything down and tell them that it's perfectly fine, and to handle things myself. But the last time I tried that, it did not go well. I realize that they're waiting for my answer and with the pressure and the anger and resentment from the past few months, I couldn't handle it anymore. I broke down in front of them, making me look like a weak-ass, but at the time, I couldn't care less. They caught onto my emotions before the tear even slipped out, and them everything that had happened between Oedipus and I the entire time. I just don't know what else to say; that we were a perfect couple in the beginning, and then suddenly, very suddenly, we just stopped.

They told me that they had found some blueprints and some plans of a building on Queen Street in Downtown Toronto, but I had no idea what those were for. They weren't willing to tell me either, and I pushed them to tell me what the matter was, and they did end up telling me. They told me that they suspect it was for a robbery or some kind of crime. I was absolutely horrified. That's nothing like Oedipus - I know, for a fact, that if he was in the right mind, he would never kill anybody! I'm not even half joking anymore, I just...I can't see him as the same person anymore, because I know that he couldn't have gotten away or even done anything like that.

Maybe that's why he didn't go home? But the Lightman Group talked to the police and they said that there hasn't been any reported burglaries or anything of the nature, so I don't think it has something to do with that, but the fact that he even had those blueprints is absolutely mind-blowing. I thought he would talk to me about it - but he must have had a good reason for it. It has to be the reason for everything, he just must have had a really good reason for the different things that he's done. When the Lightman Group finds him, I hope he's wiling to talk to me and tell me what triggered all of this.

- Jocasta

Lightman Group

Me, Myself, and I:

I filed a police report...but nothing turned up. I don't blame them, the police don't have much to go on because they know that someone is missing, but they don't have any background information or any clues that may lead to why he left.

I've heard from some friends about an organization - Lightman Group. I met with them this morning, and they were more than wiling to help me find my boyfriend. For those of you who don't know who the Lightman Group is and what they do, they look at facial expressions and emotions to try to determine whether you are telling the truth. Within a split second, they can determine anger, surprise, fear, guilt, and so many other emotions. They have been known for doing an amazing job and I have faith that they will find Oedipus, or at least find the truth of why he left.

I don't think I'm allowed to update anyone on the investigation, but..I mean, you're a diary. As long as no one gets their hands on you, it really doesn't matter. Actually, I don't really care if anyone gets their hands on you because they can't charge me for writing something down in paper.

- Jocasta