Oh gods.

My god. Cal and Gillian finally found out the prophecy that Oedipus got, and it's an absolutely terrifying thought. No wonder he left or he did-whatever-he-did because I don't know how I would react. I often think about what I'm going to do in the future, but this time, I can't even imagine how I would react. What my reaction would even be.

Gosh, the prophecy part. He was told that he was going to marry his sister and murder his father...part of me says that it's not possible and it's not true just because I don't believe in prophecies. But neither does Oedipus, and there's almost no doubt that he took it to heart. Makes me wonder whether it means something, whether it's too much to ask to ask him to come back and ignore the prophecy.

But he clearly thought it was important or he thought it was true before leaving which scares me even more. He's spent over $500 on this palmister, it could just be a scheme. But so far, it's the only pathway that Cal and Gillian know of, so they're going to follow it and see where they end up.

We've been over prophecies together too, I'm not even sure why he would take this one to heart. But, he must have said something convincing. It almost reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, how convincing he was when he wanted something, but a lot of people have that kind of "trick." I'll never have it, but I think Oedipus has a bit of it...

We'll see how it turns out, I still don't fully believe that the palmister was telling the truth and Oedipus was acting out of his own free will. He had to have had a reason to leave, a reason to avoid me.

I know the feeling so well, when I was a senior in high school, I was with my boyfriend, and we did it for the first time. We only ever did it once, so we never talked about it. But after about a month, I started getting sick. I thought it was a cold or flu, so I went to the doctor who instead, gave me a pregnancy test. It came back positive. This was by far, the most hectic time in my life. I had to choose between putting it up for adoption, abortion, or raising and keeping it as my own. I was never going to abort the pregnancy - I could never think about killing my baby. I was left with the other two options, and I was torn. I had decided that I was going to keep it, but my boyfriend at the time convinced me that if the baby was put up for adoption, chances were, it would have much more interaction with other children and be able to expand their horizons. I had been debating for a really long time, before the baby was even born. I had decided, it would be way too hard to go to the adoption centre with my boyfriend because I would keep thinking back...so I would give birth to my son or daughter, spend a night with him or her, and then the next day, bring it to the adoption centre - without my boyfriend around. I just thought that it would be a lot easier for me to do it without him - and for him, a lot easier to not see his son or daughter and then have doubts. He was more of that kind of person - convincing, but much more doubtful in the middle of the act. I wanted to protect him, but that backfired, and he left me. He didn't even say anything, he just packed all of his stuff and left. I never saw him after that. Part of me thinks that it's my fault and that I did something wrong, and I know I did. But the other part of me wanted to find out what it felt like to not be tied down to someone - having the responsibility of looking after a kid and having to go home to a boyfriend. It wasn't that I didn't love him, I did - but sometimes, we spent a bit too much time together. The other part of me tells me that I was just an idiot, and if we had both brought it to the adoption centre together, it would have been much better. And that if we both changed our minds, so be it. We would grow up with a baby boy between us and we might have grown a lot closer rather than just walking out on each other and throwing away the four years as if they were nothing. That's by biggest regret in life, but I don't think that's even related

What I meant to say, is that I understand the feelings that Oedipus is going through - the idea of protecting themselves and the people they love from themselves. They think that something is wrong with themselves, and so they act on it, and they try to distance themselves. I did that, and it took me years to get back. After giving up my son for adoption, I was so guilty that I gave him up and I was so guilty that my boyfriend walked out that I couldn't maintain a job and ended up living on the streets for a year and a half. It's not nearly as bad as you think it is, but there are some cold days in the park where you bundle up in everything you own, and police officers come in and say "You can't sleep there." But they don't tell you where else you can go, they just kick you out..so the minute they leave, you just start sleeping there again. You wake up the next morning, and you talk to the people that you talk to everyday. I used to hang around the hot dog shop, and if there were any leftovers, the vendor - she would give them to me. I'm still in contact with her, she's the nicest fellow I've ever met in my years.

But the key is that I've bounced back from it, I managed to find a boyfriend, and we aren't attached at the hip - we do a lot of things together but we know when enough is enough. We both know that boundary. When we want to go our separate ways or do our separate things, we can do it without being questioned by the other. We do grocery shopping together, but when it comes to clothing-shopping, or fashion-shopping, we split up. And it's not that big of a deal...some couples say that we're almost impersonal, and it's like we don't know each other. But we do know each other, we know more about each other than anybody else knows about us, and we're similar in that way. We just know that we don't have to stick together to show that love to each other.