Me, Myself and I,
Oedipus is sleeping so he doesn't know that I'm up. I think he would be a little bit disappointed if he saw me up even though he doesn't want to put me through this much grief. The doctors say that if everything goes well, I can go home tonight. My throat is all scratchy from the tube that they inserted and my stomach just isn't feeling that well, at all. I guess it's understandable because they had to flush it, but somehow, that doesn't make this whole thing any better.
When I got up yesterday morning, I knew that we would have to talk to each other and just talk about the whole situation in general. I understand what he was going through, almost everything that was going through his mind, and I totally understand how he acted when he found out. Fine, he shouldn't have been pushing for the truth, but it's too late to turn back, and I definitely don't blame him for handling it badly. But I could have been so much more open. I don't know how this conversation is going to go, but I do have to get one thing out of the way otherwise I really won't be able to live with myself.
I meet his eyes saying, "I'm sorry." He seems taken aback, almost confused. It looks like he thinks it is entirely his fault, but it isn't. I should have spoken up when I knew that he needed help. I should have provided the help that he required rather than sitting back and expecting him to say something. I should have pushed him when he didn't want to be pushed. I should have been the person I meant to be, the person who looked after a little brother with responsibility. Even if, at the time, I didn't know, I knew his boundaries, and I should have pushed them. He tries to tell me that it's not my fault, but I'm not convinced. It's both our faults.
And then I realize how much our lives have changed in the past few days. I tried to commit suicide and found out my husband is my brother. But the former...I don't know how to address it. Without Oedipus in my life, it was true, I wanted to die to get rid of the guilt that I was feeling. "I'm sorry for trying to kill myself. I thought you wouldn't come back to help me." After saying it, I realize how harsh it was, and I think of rewording it, but I don't know how. I think he knows I don't mean what I mean in that way, but I don't know how to word it in that sense.
And then Oedipus gets his time to talk and he talks about how he went to the palmister to try to please me. Haha, I almost start laughing how ironically that ended up. He tries to give me a birthday present as a joke, and over a period of well, a long long long time, it backfires and instead, I find a younger brother that I didn't even know existed. It's interesting how these things work out.
Oedipus says something about us being together in life, and the minute I hear it, I'm almost shocked. I can't believe he's questioning whether we're going to be in each other's lives. I mean, fine, we're brother and sister whereas a month ago, we were husband and wife, but literally, I don't care how the hell he's in my life, but he has to be in it. He's been my rock for four years, I'm not throwing that down the drain.
He looks taken aback and happy, which is a weird combination of things to see on his face. It's nice to see, though - at least some small, little thing can make him happy. Suddenly, he looks down, looks away, avoids my eyesight and almost looks like a kicked puppy. I've learned the value of patience, and he's learned the value of telling me what's wrong. I wait for it.
"Dad, I found him. I found our father. Do you want to meet him?"
At this admission, I can't stand to meet his eyes. I can't even think about the things coursing through my head. I can't seem to think past this, and I can't believe whether it's true or not. I mean, it's true, but..brother and father. When will I ever find my mother? Or my son?
I find it hard to trust him, I feel like he could have, at least told me what was going on. He should have at least something. As sympathetic I am with him about this topic, I still don't think it's alright that he hid something so big from me. If it was actually true, we could have gone through it together and it probably would have turned out a lot better. There's no doubt that I still love Oedipus, but he broke the trust he gained in the past few months. I thought he was the one person that I could trust, but he proved that wrong already. I'm still wiling to give him the chance to regain his footing and prove himself wrong.
I have to find out whether he actually regrets what he's done or whether he has any feelings whatsoever. We end up talking a little bit more about our father (and step-sister), but I'm really starting to feel the exhaustion of the day. Oedipus seems to realize, and starts to halt the conversation.
A short time later, I see Oedipus walking to the flower that Cal and Gillian left by my bedside. I can't tell whether it's in my dream or in real life, but I should probably tell Oedipus why those two were here to visit me, who they are, what they're doing....but sleep overtook me.
- Jocasta
Sunday, 14 September 2014
Saturday, 13 September 2014
The Talk
I fell asleep in the position I was in last night, her hand holding mine. She fell asleep like that too. It was nice, at least we had some form of contact, when either of us was a wreck. We both put the things that we've done behind us (at least temporarily) and seek comfort in each other.
Part of me wonders how the talk is going to go...there's no doubt that we will never be able to remain boyfriend/girlfriend but how our brotherly-sisterly relationship will be. Whether we'll be able to get along without the awkwardness that we have. I don't think it's that big of a deal just because even when we were a couple, we weren't as physical as other couples were. We can still act the same way around each other, just in a more brotherly-sisterly way. Of course, I can't even think of kissing her lips any more...that's one thing that part of me will miss, but part of me knowing that I have an older sister to stick by me throughout time.
It's about 9 when she wakes up, slightly droopy. The minute her eyes flash onto me, her pupils turn colour and her cheeks start flushing. I start bracing myself for telling her how sorry I am, and how big of a mistake I made...that I'm not prepared for the words that come out of her mouth.
"I'm so sorry." Wait, what? I insisted on pushing for the truth instead of letting the prophecy be, I ruined our entire relationship and family, and she's sorry? I don't...I have no idea what to say. "It's not your fault, it's mine. I shouldn't have pushed it. If I didn't touch it, we wouldn't have all those problems."
She seems thoughtful, but she doesn't seem to believe me. This talk is going to be a lot more awkward than I thought it is, but there are some things that I should tell her. "It's me that should be sorry, Jocasta." She looks away adamantly. "I tried to visit the palmister to give you a funny reading of some kind of prophecy, but I ended up taking his word way too seriously. It was a result of my actions that you found the truth, and I've ruined our relationship entirely. I'm so sorry."
She looks at me thoughtfully and says quietly, "I'm sorry for trying to kill myself. I thought you wouldn't come back to help me." Flashes of guilt and anger course through me once more, and I look away. I can't bear to look at her then, it was like little arrows digging into me for my stupidity.
"I know I should have known better, and I'm willing to repair our relationship if you're willing to put the effort in. And I mean as siblings, I've never had a sister before - and you've never been a sister before. I don't know how to be a good brother, but the things that I've done leading up to this kind of shows that I need a bit of work. I'm willing to work on it, if...if that's alright with you."
Jocasta meets my eyes and says quietly, "I don't care...how you're in my life, I just need you in it. You're the only family I've got left." At this, my heart picks up its pace, if we can get past this, we can become a family again. We can learn to live with each other and support each other, financially, emotionally and mentally.
"Thank you," I murmur. I don't know how else to thank her - she's giving me a second chance even though I messed up so badly. She nods in recognition, and gives me that look. That look of love, but this time, it's a different kind of look. More like a sisterly-love. Is there a difference? Maybe it's just a placebo and I'm trying to convince myself of it, but either way, I'm glad to have my family back.
Then, comes the hardest part of the talk...I just don't know how to spit it out - although Jocasta has probably put it together already. I catch her eye, and suddenly, it's too much. I look down at the ground...and staring at the ground, I say quietly, "Dad, I found him. I found our father. Do you want to meet him?"
Her eyes grow wide, and it's almost too much for her to handle. She has a whole display and paint of emotions on her face that I can no longer read it. I don't even know what to say because she's spent her entire life trying to find her son and her parents (well, my parents too)...and once I found out who my father was, it makes sense that it would be hers too. Part of me wonders whether it was even a mistake to tell her - whether it was a bad thing to tell her.
Was it too much for her to handle after finding out that her boyfriend was her brother, and then finding her father? I'm so stupid, I should have told her about this later - I should have changed the topic. But when I never thought she would respond, she says "Does he regret it? Giving us up?"
I have to think about this question. Clearly, he stopped charging fees after I found out that we were father and son, but did that mean he regretted it? Or was it a sign of good faith? Part of me wants to disregard the question and change the topic, but I've learned that telling the truth seems to be the best way to go. "I'm not really sure whether he regrets it, I don't know him that well personally, yet. But I know for sure, that he's a changed man. Even though he does some insane things for a living like reading palms and he charges hefty amounts, he's raising a girl who is one of the nicest girls for her age."
Jocasta looks away at that statement and I realize what I said without saying..."Yeah, we have a half-sister, too. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I just didn't know how..."
Jocasta looks up at the ceiling as if it's a piece of artwork and says with a shudder, "I've only ever trusted 2 people in my life - my ex-boyfriend, who left me; and you, who hid so much from me and dumps it on me like a childhood story. I don't know how else to say this...I don't trust you, Oedipus. But I'm willing to give you a second chance. I always believe that people have the best in them and just make mistakes, but that doesn't mean I can go along with your plans or things like that so quickly...I just need some time."
It is at this time, that I realize the true effect and consequences of my actions. The one person that I've ever felt close to, is almost gone. She trusts me - but after 4 years of building up that trust, I killed it within days. I can feel that she's waiting for my response, but I don't know how to respond. I'm just so filled with disappointment...but I have to do this. I need the minute of courage to tell her how much her relationship means to me. I meet her eyes, when I say, "I'm so sorry. I know words don't mean anything, but I'm willing to prove to you that I am still the same man."
She seems to accept the answer, for she nods. She still has the solemn look on her face. That's the one that I know - the one that everyone knows. That she's trying to see the best in people, and is usually successful. I smile, realizing that's another things that we have in common, and we catch each other's glances, smiling.
But something nags at me, the couple that was there yesterday, who were they and how do they even know Jocasta? How do they know how to read her expressions so well that they were willing to give us a moment of privacy? I notice the card and the flowers they gave Jocasta are still on her bedside, so I talk to the flowers to see if there's any note. There is one...all it say is "It's going to be okay. Okay? Okay." Suddenly, I'm downright confused...she told someone else about the entire situation we were in. While I was gone, she managed to get close to two people who are dating and know exactly what the situation is, in a span of like, a month? But I know better than to ask her today. She's been through enough, finding out that I'm her younger brother, that her father is alive and reads palms for living, and she has to absorb the fact that she nearly killed herself. I'm unwilling to put her through such pain.
Part of me wonders how the talk is going to go...there's no doubt that we will never be able to remain boyfriend/girlfriend but how our brotherly-sisterly relationship will be. Whether we'll be able to get along without the awkwardness that we have. I don't think it's that big of a deal just because even when we were a couple, we weren't as physical as other couples were. We can still act the same way around each other, just in a more brotherly-sisterly way. Of course, I can't even think of kissing her lips any more...that's one thing that part of me will miss, but part of me knowing that I have an older sister to stick by me throughout time.
It's about 9 when she wakes up, slightly droopy. The minute her eyes flash onto me, her pupils turn colour and her cheeks start flushing. I start bracing myself for telling her how sorry I am, and how big of a mistake I made...that I'm not prepared for the words that come out of her mouth.
"I'm so sorry." Wait, what? I insisted on pushing for the truth instead of letting the prophecy be, I ruined our entire relationship and family, and she's sorry? I don't...I have no idea what to say. "It's not your fault, it's mine. I shouldn't have pushed it. If I didn't touch it, we wouldn't have all those problems."
She seems thoughtful, but she doesn't seem to believe me. This talk is going to be a lot more awkward than I thought it is, but there are some things that I should tell her. "It's me that should be sorry, Jocasta." She looks away adamantly. "I tried to visit the palmister to give you a funny reading of some kind of prophecy, but I ended up taking his word way too seriously. It was a result of my actions that you found the truth, and I've ruined our relationship entirely. I'm so sorry."
She looks at me thoughtfully and says quietly, "I'm sorry for trying to kill myself. I thought you wouldn't come back to help me." Flashes of guilt and anger course through me once more, and I look away. I can't bear to look at her then, it was like little arrows digging into me for my stupidity.
"I know I should have known better, and I'm willing to repair our relationship if you're willing to put the effort in. And I mean as siblings, I've never had a sister before - and you've never been a sister before. I don't know how to be a good brother, but the things that I've done leading up to this kind of shows that I need a bit of work. I'm willing to work on it, if...if that's alright with you."
Jocasta meets my eyes and says quietly, "I don't care...how you're in my life, I just need you in it. You're the only family I've got left." At this, my heart picks up its pace, if we can get past this, we can become a family again. We can learn to live with each other and support each other, financially, emotionally and mentally.
"Thank you," I murmur. I don't know how else to thank her - she's giving me a second chance even though I messed up so badly. She nods in recognition, and gives me that look. That look of love, but this time, it's a different kind of look. More like a sisterly-love. Is there a difference? Maybe it's just a placebo and I'm trying to convince myself of it, but either way, I'm glad to have my family back.
Then, comes the hardest part of the talk...I just don't know how to spit it out - although Jocasta has probably put it together already. I catch her eye, and suddenly, it's too much. I look down at the ground...and staring at the ground, I say quietly, "Dad, I found him. I found our father. Do you want to meet him?"
Her eyes grow wide, and it's almost too much for her to handle. She has a whole display and paint of emotions on her face that I can no longer read it. I don't even know what to say because she's spent her entire life trying to find her son and her parents (well, my parents too)...and once I found out who my father was, it makes sense that it would be hers too. Part of me wonders whether it was even a mistake to tell her - whether it was a bad thing to tell her.
Was it too much for her to handle after finding out that her boyfriend was her brother, and then finding her father? I'm so stupid, I should have told her about this later - I should have changed the topic. But when I never thought she would respond, she says "Does he regret it? Giving us up?"
I have to think about this question. Clearly, he stopped charging fees after I found out that we were father and son, but did that mean he regretted it? Or was it a sign of good faith? Part of me wants to disregard the question and change the topic, but I've learned that telling the truth seems to be the best way to go. "I'm not really sure whether he regrets it, I don't know him that well personally, yet. But I know for sure, that he's a changed man. Even though he does some insane things for a living like reading palms and he charges hefty amounts, he's raising a girl who is one of the nicest girls for her age."
Jocasta looks away at that statement and I realize what I said without saying..."Yeah, we have a half-sister, too. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I just didn't know how..."
Jocasta looks up at the ceiling as if it's a piece of artwork and says with a shudder, "I've only ever trusted 2 people in my life - my ex-boyfriend, who left me; and you, who hid so much from me and dumps it on me like a childhood story. I don't know how else to say this...I don't trust you, Oedipus. But I'm willing to give you a second chance. I always believe that people have the best in them and just make mistakes, but that doesn't mean I can go along with your plans or things like that so quickly...I just need some time."
It is at this time, that I realize the true effect and consequences of my actions. The one person that I've ever felt close to, is almost gone. She trusts me - but after 4 years of building up that trust, I killed it within days. I can feel that she's waiting for my response, but I don't know how to respond. I'm just so filled with disappointment...but I have to do this. I need the minute of courage to tell her how much her relationship means to me. I meet her eyes, when I say, "I'm so sorry. I know words don't mean anything, but I'm willing to prove to you that I am still the same man."
She seems to accept the answer, for she nods. She still has the solemn look on her face. That's the one that I know - the one that everyone knows. That she's trying to see the best in people, and is usually successful. I smile, realizing that's another things that we have in common, and we catch each other's glances, smiling.
But something nags at me, the couple that was there yesterday, who were they and how do they even know Jocasta? How do they know how to read her expressions so well that they were willing to give us a moment of privacy? I notice the card and the flowers they gave Jocasta are still on her bedside, so I talk to the flowers to see if there's any note. There is one...all it say is "It's going to be okay. Okay? Okay." Suddenly, I'm downright confused...she told someone else about the entire situation we were in. While I was gone, she managed to get close to two people who are dating and know exactly what the situation is, in a span of like, a month? But I know better than to ask her today. She's been through enough, finding out that I'm her younger brother, that her father is alive and reads palms for living, and she has to absorb the fact that she nearly killed herself. I'm unwilling to put her through such pain.
Friday, 12 September 2014
Phew
Jocasta woke up yesterday when I was out for breakfast down at the hospital wing cafeteria at St. Michael's Hospital on Queensway. I'm almost glad that I wasn't there when she woke up, so she wouldn't be startled by my presence. At the same time, it makes it a little harder to justify why I came back when she doesn't see me there when she first woke up.
I didn't know what to do, so I went a short bus ride away to get some roses, the kinds that she likes. I went back to her hospital room, but there were two people talking to her quietly. They brought some flower, said a few words silently, which she acknowledged with a thankful look on her face. I seem to remember her saying thank you, at least 10 times. One of them, a buff man with a slight moustache and slight beard, looking like he hasn't shaven in weeks. I don't blame him, I literally haven't shaven in a month. The other, a tall slender woman, with dark brown curls..who are they? I've never seen them before, and suddenly they are looking at her with such sadness and emotion on their faces. Could they be here because of me? Either way, the minute they see me, their eyes grow wide in surprise. Jocasta catches their movement, following their eyesight, and she's in shock.
The two strangers know to give us some room, some privacy and mutter some words. I just didn't have the heart to hear or listen to them. Things are just way to uneven and strange between Jocasta and I right now, and someone else - maybe a couple, dating? It's just way too much for me to handle right now. But I can feel Jocasta looking at me, and I feel the need to look back.
She stares at me with a whole plate of emotions on her face. From shame to guilt to disappointment to love to sadness, her eyes grew wide in surprise and her lips parted slightly. Neither of us knew what to say to each other, but the minute I came close to her bed, she gave me a weak hug. I could tell that was how little strength she had, but I hugged her back anyway. I dropped the flowers by her bedside, and took the chair right beside her head. She reached for my hand, and just held it. We didn't speak for the whole time, it was just her, holding my hand. We can speak tomorrow, or the next day. What matters is that we're here for each other when we really need to be, and for her, my presence was enough.
I didn't know what to do, so I went a short bus ride away to get some roses, the kinds that she likes. I went back to her hospital room, but there were two people talking to her quietly. They brought some flower, said a few words silently, which she acknowledged with a thankful look on her face. I seem to remember her saying thank you, at least 10 times. One of them, a buff man with a slight moustache and slight beard, looking like he hasn't shaven in weeks. I don't blame him, I literally haven't shaven in a month. The other, a tall slender woman, with dark brown curls..who are they? I've never seen them before, and suddenly they are looking at her with such sadness and emotion on their faces. Could they be here because of me? Either way, the minute they see me, their eyes grow wide in surprise. Jocasta catches their movement, following their eyesight, and she's in shock.
The two strangers know to give us some room, some privacy and mutter some words. I just didn't have the heart to hear or listen to them. Things are just way to uneven and strange between Jocasta and I right now, and someone else - maybe a couple, dating? It's just way too much for me to handle right now. But I can feel Jocasta looking at me, and I feel the need to look back.
She stares at me with a whole plate of emotions on her face. From shame to guilt to disappointment to love to sadness, her eyes grew wide in surprise and her lips parted slightly. Neither of us knew what to say to each other, but the minute I came close to her bed, she gave me a weak hug. I could tell that was how little strength she had, but I hugged her back anyway. I dropped the flowers by her bedside, and took the chair right beside her head. She reached for my hand, and just held it. We didn't speak for the whole time, it was just her, holding my hand. We can speak tomorrow, or the next day. What matters is that we're here for each other when we really need to be, and for her, my presence was enough.
Wednesday, 10 September 2014
Heading home!
After four days of knowing this wonderful family, it was time for them to head back. Part of me wanted to hike back, knowing that I had worked to get home. But right before I left, Barbara, the mother, insisted that I leave with them. I said that I didn't want to trouble them, but both the adults and all the children wanted me to come along. I was taken aback, no one had wanted me to join them like this, in a long time. I almost felt a family bonding with them.
On the entire ride back, we were in the minivan (which seats 11 people) watching Frozen. All the kids expected me to sing Let It Go with them, so I tried using my fail-of-a-voice and it made me realize just how lucky they were to grow up in a family like that. So united. It made me realize that I don't just miss Jocasta because I'm some sadistic person who relies on her, she made me feel like I belonged. It made me happy...
After watching Frozen and How to Train Your Dragon 2, we finally arrived back in Toronto. I told the family that dropping me off on the border of Toronto-Missaussaga, but they refused. They said that after all we've been through - that they would drop me off at home. I was taken aback by their kindness, but I shouldn't have because I knew how they were. And how nice they were. Either way, they dropped me right onto my driveway where we exchanged phone numbers. I hope I stay in touch with them. We said our sad goodbyes and they left with the kids crying in the backseat.
But now came the hard part, I knew I had to see Jocasta, but I didn't know how to approach her. I decided to play it by ear, and I rang the doorbell. No one came to the door, which is understandable, because Jocasta and I never opened the door to anyone unless we knew exactly who they were. We'd both just rather not take that chance. But something was off, something felt wrong. I tried to peer in through the gaps in the blinds through the windows, but didn't see anything from the front. I went around back, where the blinds are always closed, and understandably, they were closed too. I still couldn't explain what was wrong, and I didn't have the house keys..I left them in the house along with my access card, so I took the potted plant and dug around the soil to find the hidden house key. I almost forgot about it until I looked at the plant...Jocasta never liked that plant, but I always kept it there for that reason. There was enough soil to bury the key deep inside the soil without anyone realizing that there could be a key in there.
After 5 minutes of digging through soil, I found the treasure. Anxiously, I jammed it into the lock and turned the key. I tried opening it, but the chain was holding the door shut as well. In the two years that we'd been living in that house, we never used the chain. Never. Something was definitely wrong. I couldn't ignore the feeling any longer, so I kicked the door open with all my might. The door flew open, and I realized that there was no way that Jocasta would lock the door with the chain if she wasn't in the house.
A horrible thought goes through me...what if she found out? What would she do to herself? As soon as I work it out (or think I work it out), I run upstairs - the fastest I've ever ran before. And just like I thought, she's lying in her bed...with the strong Tylenol right beside her. I try waking her up by talking to her, it usually works but she wouldn't wake up. I start playing old music that usually wakes her up: ABBA, Simon and Garfunkel, but still, nothing. It isn't until I see the note in her hand that I realize what she tried to do. I touch her neck, praying, praying that I feel a pulse. It isn't until I feel a slight pulse in her neck that I run to the phone and dial 911.
Guilt and anger and disappointment in myself courses through my veins. How could I have left her like that? I knew what she would do if she found out and I left anyway. Then I notice the little sliver in her left hand. Of course she would choose her left hand. She could write with both hands, but was left-hand dominant in the beginning, then switched to the right. When she was 15, she said that she wanted to learn to write with her left again, and went back to it. Ever since, she's been using her left as her dominant hand...
But wait...she's overdosed on drugs before, she said that that's how she lived after the birth of her child and giving it up for adoption. But she's never, ever, left a note before. And then it clicks. She did this for the sole purpose of killing herself. She wanted to die because she found out who I was and that I wasn't there to help her. My god...there's no greater sin. There's nothing worse than nearly marrying your sister, killing your father, and then leaving your sister to the point of misery where she almost kills herself. This is horrifying - how the fucking hell can I live with myself knowing that I've done this? Either way, she hasn't gone yet. I have to let the guilt and anger in myself about what has happened remind me to do better for her next time, and to be by her side when she needs me.
Within 3 minutes, the ambulance arrives and takes her away. She just got her stomach "flushed" - I hope everything else turns out well..she's asleep right now. No one is sure whether she will wake up, but oh god, I hope she does...
On the entire ride back, we were in the minivan (which seats 11 people) watching Frozen. All the kids expected me to sing Let It Go with them, so I tried using my fail-of-a-voice and it made me realize just how lucky they were to grow up in a family like that. So united. It made me realize that I don't just miss Jocasta because I'm some sadistic person who relies on her, she made me feel like I belonged. It made me happy...
After watching Frozen and How to Train Your Dragon 2, we finally arrived back in Toronto. I told the family that dropping me off on the border of Toronto-Missaussaga, but they refused. They said that after all we've been through - that they would drop me off at home. I was taken aback by their kindness, but I shouldn't have because I knew how they were. And how nice they were. Either way, they dropped me right onto my driveway where we exchanged phone numbers. I hope I stay in touch with them. We said our sad goodbyes and they left with the kids crying in the backseat.
But now came the hard part, I knew I had to see Jocasta, but I didn't know how to approach her. I decided to play it by ear, and I rang the doorbell. No one came to the door, which is understandable, because Jocasta and I never opened the door to anyone unless we knew exactly who they were. We'd both just rather not take that chance. But something was off, something felt wrong. I tried to peer in through the gaps in the blinds through the windows, but didn't see anything from the front. I went around back, where the blinds are always closed, and understandably, they were closed too. I still couldn't explain what was wrong, and I didn't have the house keys..I left them in the house along with my access card, so I took the potted plant and dug around the soil to find the hidden house key. I almost forgot about it until I looked at the plant...Jocasta never liked that plant, but I always kept it there for that reason. There was enough soil to bury the key deep inside the soil without anyone realizing that there could be a key in there.
After 5 minutes of digging through soil, I found the treasure. Anxiously, I jammed it into the lock and turned the key. I tried opening it, but the chain was holding the door shut as well. In the two years that we'd been living in that house, we never used the chain. Never. Something was definitely wrong. I couldn't ignore the feeling any longer, so I kicked the door open with all my might. The door flew open, and I realized that there was no way that Jocasta would lock the door with the chain if she wasn't in the house.
A horrible thought goes through me...what if she found out? What would she do to herself? As soon as I work it out (or think I work it out), I run upstairs - the fastest I've ever ran before. And just like I thought, she's lying in her bed...with the strong Tylenol right beside her. I try waking her up by talking to her, it usually works but she wouldn't wake up. I start playing old music that usually wakes her up: ABBA, Simon and Garfunkel, but still, nothing. It isn't until I see the note in her hand that I realize what she tried to do. I touch her neck, praying, praying that I feel a pulse. It isn't until I feel a slight pulse in her neck that I run to the phone and dial 911.
Guilt and anger and disappointment in myself courses through my veins. How could I have left her like that? I knew what she would do if she found out and I left anyway. Then I notice the little sliver in her left hand. Of course she would choose her left hand. She could write with both hands, but was left-hand dominant in the beginning, then switched to the right. When she was 15, she said that she wanted to learn to write with her left again, and went back to it. Ever since, she's been using her left as her dominant hand...
But wait...she's overdosed on drugs before, she said that that's how she lived after the birth of her child and giving it up for adoption. But she's never, ever, left a note before. And then it clicks. She did this for the sole purpose of killing herself. She wanted to die because she found out who I was and that I wasn't there to help her. My god...there's no greater sin. There's nothing worse than nearly marrying your sister, killing your father, and then leaving your sister to the point of misery where she almost kills herself. This is horrifying - how the fucking hell can I live with myself knowing that I've done this? Either way, she hasn't gone yet. I have to let the guilt and anger in myself about what has happened remind me to do better for her next time, and to be by her side when she needs me.
Within 3 minutes, the ambulance arrives and takes her away. She just got her stomach "flushed" - I hope everything else turns out well..she's asleep right now. No one is sure whether she will wake up, but oh god, I hope she does...
Goodbye.
Hey,
I don't know who else to turn to, so this is for you.
Thank you for being there when I needed to write. You couldn't respond, but you listened. I couldn't have asked for more - sometimes, a listening ear is what someone needs. It helped, but right now, I need something more than just an ear.
In 24 hours, you won't see me. You won't hear from me. I'll never be able to write in you again.
Oedipus, if you ever come back to find me and if you ever read this, know that I'm sorry. That I'm so sorry. I didn't know who you were and you didn't know who I was, but that doesn't make this situation any better. I should have known better, little brother. I never found my little son, but I put in a request to be reunited with my son through the adoption agency. No one has been able to find him, but if he is found, tell him that I love him, with all my heart. And that I'm so sorry about leaving him. I love you, Oedipus. Be strong for me.
To Cal and Gillian, thank you for finding out what happened to Oedipus. Even though it wasn't a good outcome, it will be good leaving knowing the truth of what happened. Thank you for your unconditional work at seeking the truth.
And lastly, to Mum and Dad, wherever you are, I know the feeling of putting children up for adoption. It kills me bit by bit knowing that I gave up my son, I don't want to imagine what it feels like to give both your children up for adoption. I hope you're doing well.
Love,
- Jocasta
Friday, 5 September 2014
Not Hopeful At All
Me, Myself, and I:
The Olympians. I got back a long time ago, but I've just been way too perplexed to do anything. I haven't eaten, haven't showered, haven't done anything. I'm just shocked.
Gillian sat me down, provided me with all these amazing teas and coffees and whatnot, but I had enough of the formality. I had to know why they wanted me to come. It would have been something important otherwise they would have told me over the phone. But it had to be important and breakthrough-enough that they want to avoid the topic and tell me the truth at the same time. I remember the agony and the anxiety I felt if they said that they found his body, or that he committed suicide. So I wasn't prepared for the questions that they asked today.
"Do you have any siblings?"
How the hell is that related to Oedipus? Suddenly, I'm angry..I don't even remember my life before grade 2...it was the last day of school in grade 2 when I was hit by a car. I was waiting, patiently at the pedestrian crossing, and when it turned to "walk", I started walking. From what I understand, the car was turning right...and even though they tried to stop in time, it wasn't fast enough. I was rushed to the hospital where I spent a month and a half in a coma. My skull was cracked, so they had to open it, and perform surgery - strengthening the skull with a metal rod. Yes, I have a metal rod on my head...but I still didn't know what the hell this had to do with Oedipus. I was getting super annoyed by now but they kept trying to dig deeper in my history. I don't know why it's even important.
Cal and Gillian exchanged a glance, and then Gillian sat right beside me. Like she was trying to console me. I'd never been a fan of physical contact, not unless it was with Oedipus. I nearly shrank away. But even though the last question was bad, I wasn't prepared...at all for the next sentence.
"You had a brother, a younger brother 4 years after you were born, you have a baby brother!"
My heart started racing at the statement. How could I? Have a younger brother?? I had a younger brother - someone in my family that I hadn't met yet? This is madness! This isn't possible! I've been getting some memories back in snippets, like getting bullied at the orphanage or seeing faces of adoption parents, but I don't remember my entire story. I couldn't connect the dots...but I had a brother - a brother of the same blood type that was 4 years younger, and also had to go through the orphanage. I started asking where I could find him. I would do anything to meet someone related to me. I have Oedipus, but I don't even know where he is and whether he'll even come back to me.
It was at this moment that the lightbulb started flashing and I thought...Oedipus is also 4 years younger than I am. Or so we thought. We never really knew, but..no. That's not possible, I can't be in a relationship with my baby brother! I'd have dreams as a kid of having a baby sister or a baby brother, what's the possibility that something like that actually occurred? Here and now? I don't know what to do--but wait. I'm thinking way ahead of myself right now. WAAAYYY ahead. I should wait for Gililan or Cal to say something....and I turn my head to look up at them, and I realize that I'm looking up at the ceiling.
Wait what? How is it possible that if I look around, my eyes are on the ceiling. I start getting up, but Gillian pushes me back down lightly. I look around and there's just a whole bunch of people around me. I must have fainted. Oh my god, that's so embarrassing. "Don't worry, you're not the first..." Cal says, and I realize that must have been directed to me. He must be doing his whole face-reading thing. "Are you alright?" asks Gillian. Truth is, I don't know whether I'm alright. I don't know how to deal with Oedipus leaving me and not talking to me, he was the love and prime of my life for four years, and then finding out that I have a baby brother, it's just all too overwhelming. I get the feeling that they have an idea of what I'm going to say, but I don't know how to voice it in words....but everyone's around me, people I haven't even met before. They must be (slightly) trustworthy, but I don't know that for sure...
"Torres, Loker - thanks for all your help." says Gillian, seeing my discomfort. "We'll debrief in the conference room in an hour."
Once they're gone, I feel a little more at ease..but I still don't really know how to form my thoughts into words. Cal seems to be off to the side looking...thoughtful, but there's a hint of something else on his face. I can't really read emotions that well, but after with an abusive family, I learned a little bit about reading facial expressions. There seems to be a mix of...regret or something on his face. Regret? Why would he show regret?
Gillian on the other hand, is able to maintain a straight face. She seems to accept the fact that I'm not going to say anything, and says, rather casually, "Six years ago, there was a case in the United Kingdom where two twins, separated at birth. They met many years later and understandably, felt some sort of attraction towards each other. They tried to get married and it was refused by the government. In the end, they ended getting married even though it wasn't annulled. It wasn't until after their wedding, that they found out they were actually fraternal twins, separated at birth and given away to different birth families. It's cases like these, it's the unique cases where siblings aren't placed together or given a form of communication to stay in touch with each other."
And at this, I knew exactly what she was implying. I was right. I was actually in a relationship with my baby brother. Guilt tears through me as I realize how many times I realized we were so similar in how we dealt with situations, and that I should have realized that something was wrong. I thought it was just because we were meant to be together for life. And we are...but in an entirely different sense. We'll grow old as brother and sister, not husband and wife. Terror shoots through me, we haven't gone to the next base, but I've been dating my younger brother for four years. No wonder he didn't want to come home to face me. How was he supposed to tell me - that he'd been dating his older sister for almost half a decade? Then a thought comes almost as fast as it comes out, and I blurt out "How'd he find out?"
Gillian takes a deep breath and says "It seems all those late nights, those ones that you found suspicious were spent at the palmister's place - reading his palm. At one point, Oedipus got so upset that he tried to kill the palmister and had all the plans in place. That's why he got a hold of the blueprints for the building, to commit the crime. But it turns out that when he got to the building, he didn't do anything. He just listened to the palmister talk about all his other patients and his personal life. When he found out a certain fact, he tested your DNA in the lab from the bandaid that you put in the garbage. That's when he found out that you two were related. That was also around the time that he disappeared."
My heart was racing even faster, as if that was even possible. I started sweating insanely, and I couldn't stop thinking about how I could have handled this situation better than I did. Instead of insisting for him to admit what was wrong (even though I knew something was wrong), I just asked him every day. That wasn't enough. That wasn't enough at all. I close my eyes in shame.
I realize that I'm still in Cal's office, so I open my eyes...and Gillian looks sorry, almost pitiful. "I'm sorry," she murmurs. I nod in recognition, and suddenly, just being in the Lightman Group Office is too much. Gillian seems to realize and says "We'll try to focus on finding Oedipus now - we'll call you if we find anything." She has a security guard walk me out.
Truth is, I don't know how to control all these emotions. There's hate, anger, resentment and confusion in my birth parents and why they even had 2 children, gave us both away, and walked away as if it was nothing. There's regret of even trying to find the truth, but a twinge of happiness now that I know it. There's sadness and disappointment about Oedipus and why he didn't tell me what was going on even though he was stuck between a roc and a hard place. And then there's my stupidity in not finding out sooner. I should have made these connections but I was too lovestruck by him - and now, I can't even tell the difference between girlfriend-boyfriend love and brotherly-sisterly love.
I don't know what I would do if I saw him. Would it just be pure awkwardness? I don't know how to live without Oedipus having my back, and I'd like to think that the feeling is mutual. I don't know what this life is. I really, really, really don't.
I was a wreck after giving my baby up for adoption...Oedipus was the one person who brought me back to earth and made me realize that life was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was. There are some people living the life where they barely get food and water; many kids die from starvation. I knew I didn't have it nearly as bad, but I also have no one to talk, no one to spill to.
The Olympians. I got back a long time ago, but I've just been way too perplexed to do anything. I haven't eaten, haven't showered, haven't done anything. I'm just shocked.
Gillian sat me down, provided me with all these amazing teas and coffees and whatnot, but I had enough of the formality. I had to know why they wanted me to come. It would have been something important otherwise they would have told me over the phone. But it had to be important and breakthrough-enough that they want to avoid the topic and tell me the truth at the same time. I remember the agony and the anxiety I felt if they said that they found his body, or that he committed suicide. So I wasn't prepared for the questions that they asked today.
"Do you have any siblings?"
How the hell is that related to Oedipus? Suddenly, I'm angry..I don't even remember my life before grade 2...it was the last day of school in grade 2 when I was hit by a car. I was waiting, patiently at the pedestrian crossing, and when it turned to "walk", I started walking. From what I understand, the car was turning right...and even though they tried to stop in time, it wasn't fast enough. I was rushed to the hospital where I spent a month and a half in a coma. My skull was cracked, so they had to open it, and perform surgery - strengthening the skull with a metal rod. Yes, I have a metal rod on my head...but I still didn't know what the hell this had to do with Oedipus. I was getting super annoyed by now but they kept trying to dig deeper in my history. I don't know why it's even important.
Cal and Gillian exchanged a glance, and then Gillian sat right beside me. Like she was trying to console me. I'd never been a fan of physical contact, not unless it was with Oedipus. I nearly shrank away. But even though the last question was bad, I wasn't prepared...at all for the next sentence.
"You had a brother, a younger brother 4 years after you were born, you have a baby brother!"
My heart started racing at the statement. How could I? Have a younger brother?? I had a younger brother - someone in my family that I hadn't met yet? This is madness! This isn't possible! I've been getting some memories back in snippets, like getting bullied at the orphanage or seeing faces of adoption parents, but I don't remember my entire story. I couldn't connect the dots...but I had a brother - a brother of the same blood type that was 4 years younger, and also had to go through the orphanage. I started asking where I could find him. I would do anything to meet someone related to me. I have Oedipus, but I don't even know where he is and whether he'll even come back to me.
It was at this moment that the lightbulb started flashing and I thought...Oedipus is also 4 years younger than I am. Or so we thought. We never really knew, but..no. That's not possible, I can't be in a relationship with my baby brother! I'd have dreams as a kid of having a baby sister or a baby brother, what's the possibility that something like that actually occurred? Here and now? I don't know what to do--but wait. I'm thinking way ahead of myself right now. WAAAYYY ahead. I should wait for Gililan or Cal to say something....and I turn my head to look up at them, and I realize that I'm looking up at the ceiling.
Wait what? How is it possible that if I look around, my eyes are on the ceiling. I start getting up, but Gillian pushes me back down lightly. I look around and there's just a whole bunch of people around me. I must have fainted. Oh my god, that's so embarrassing. "Don't worry, you're not the first..." Cal says, and I realize that must have been directed to me. He must be doing his whole face-reading thing. "Are you alright?" asks Gillian. Truth is, I don't know whether I'm alright. I don't know how to deal with Oedipus leaving me and not talking to me, he was the love and prime of my life for four years, and then finding out that I have a baby brother, it's just all too overwhelming. I get the feeling that they have an idea of what I'm going to say, but I don't know how to voice it in words....but everyone's around me, people I haven't even met before. They must be (slightly) trustworthy, but I don't know that for sure...
"Torres, Loker - thanks for all your help." says Gillian, seeing my discomfort. "We'll debrief in the conference room in an hour."
Once they're gone, I feel a little more at ease..but I still don't really know how to form my thoughts into words. Cal seems to be off to the side looking...thoughtful, but there's a hint of something else on his face. I can't really read emotions that well, but after with an abusive family, I learned a little bit about reading facial expressions. There seems to be a mix of...regret or something on his face. Regret? Why would he show regret?
Gillian on the other hand, is able to maintain a straight face. She seems to accept the fact that I'm not going to say anything, and says, rather casually, "Six years ago, there was a case in the United Kingdom where two twins, separated at birth. They met many years later and understandably, felt some sort of attraction towards each other. They tried to get married and it was refused by the government. In the end, they ended getting married even though it wasn't annulled. It wasn't until after their wedding, that they found out they were actually fraternal twins, separated at birth and given away to different birth families. It's cases like these, it's the unique cases where siblings aren't placed together or given a form of communication to stay in touch with each other."
And at this, I knew exactly what she was implying. I was right. I was actually in a relationship with my baby brother. Guilt tears through me as I realize how many times I realized we were so similar in how we dealt with situations, and that I should have realized that something was wrong. I thought it was just because we were meant to be together for life. And we are...but in an entirely different sense. We'll grow old as brother and sister, not husband and wife. Terror shoots through me, we haven't gone to the next base, but I've been dating my younger brother for four years. No wonder he didn't want to come home to face me. How was he supposed to tell me - that he'd been dating his older sister for almost half a decade? Then a thought comes almost as fast as it comes out, and I blurt out "How'd he find out?"
Gillian takes a deep breath and says "It seems all those late nights, those ones that you found suspicious were spent at the palmister's place - reading his palm. At one point, Oedipus got so upset that he tried to kill the palmister and had all the plans in place. That's why he got a hold of the blueprints for the building, to commit the crime. But it turns out that when he got to the building, he didn't do anything. He just listened to the palmister talk about all his other patients and his personal life. When he found out a certain fact, he tested your DNA in the lab from the bandaid that you put in the garbage. That's when he found out that you two were related. That was also around the time that he disappeared."
My heart was racing even faster, as if that was even possible. I started sweating insanely, and I couldn't stop thinking about how I could have handled this situation better than I did. Instead of insisting for him to admit what was wrong (even though I knew something was wrong), I just asked him every day. That wasn't enough. That wasn't enough at all. I close my eyes in shame.
I realize that I'm still in Cal's office, so I open my eyes...and Gillian looks sorry, almost pitiful. "I'm sorry," she murmurs. I nod in recognition, and suddenly, just being in the Lightman Group Office is too much. Gillian seems to realize and says "We'll try to focus on finding Oedipus now - we'll call you if we find anything." She has a security guard walk me out.
Truth is, I don't know how to control all these emotions. There's hate, anger, resentment and confusion in my birth parents and why they even had 2 children, gave us both away, and walked away as if it was nothing. There's regret of even trying to find the truth, but a twinge of happiness now that I know it. There's sadness and disappointment about Oedipus and why he didn't tell me what was going on even though he was stuck between a roc and a hard place. And then there's my stupidity in not finding out sooner. I should have made these connections but I was too lovestruck by him - and now, I can't even tell the difference between girlfriend-boyfriend love and brotherly-sisterly love.
I don't know what I would do if I saw him. Would it just be pure awkwardness? I don't know how to live without Oedipus having my back, and I'd like to think that the feeling is mutual. I don't know what this life is. I really, really, really don't.
I was a wreck after giving my baby up for adoption...Oedipus was the one person who brought me back to earth and made me realize that life was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was. There are some people living the life where they barely get food and water; many kids die from starvation. I knew I didn't have it nearly as bad, but I also have no one to talk, no one to spill to.
Group Site
So it turns out that a family group had booked that campsite. I was going to pack up and leave, but they didn't let me, strangely enough. I thought that they would, but they actually invited me to stay. It was late though, I don't really know what time, but sure was cold. We had the fire going and was making s'mores, but it was still cold for autumn camping. We ended getting pretty deep in conversation, and we learned a lot about each other. I wasn't quite willing to open myself up, but seeing everyone in the family spilling their life to the stranger was enlightening. I didn't tell them that I dated my sister - that was a little deep (or tried to kill my father), but I did tell them my story about hitchhiking. They were nice enough to not ask me questions about why I left, I think they knew it was a touchy topic.
When we finally went to sleep, I was slightly nervous because I hadn't been in the presence of nice Homo Sapiens for a while. Part of me wondered what their ultimate goal, so I went to sleep with my Swiss Knife in hand. That way, if they were ever in trouble or they were threatening me, I could defend myself with more than just a stick.
The next morning, I woke up, and they were still asleep. I started a fire and started cooking oatmeal for breakfast. Eventually, they woke up, and we had a meal around the fire. They said that they booked the site for 4 more nights and were planning to go hiking on some of the trails before heading home. They invited me to stay with them. I was taken aback by the openness of some people - truck drivers were willing to transport me from one place to another, but hiking and living with a family of 8 was absolutely mind-blowing and new to me. I was willing to maintain the friendship and closeness with the family, even though my purpose was to go home. Part of me had hoped that if I got to know them well though, that they would take me home with them and drop me off in Toronto. They lived in Mississauga, so distance wise, it's a lot closer than Tobermory. It doesn't take that long to walk from Kipling to Runnymede, so the walk from the outskirts to Downtown Toronto wouldn't be nearly as hefty as the Bruce Trail...
I have a feeling I'm feeling a little too hopeful, but I'm okay with that. I like the feeling of hope.
When we finally went to sleep, I was slightly nervous because I hadn't been in the presence of nice Homo Sapiens for a while. Part of me wondered what their ultimate goal, so I went to sleep with my Swiss Knife in hand. That way, if they were ever in trouble or they were threatening me, I could defend myself with more than just a stick.
The next morning, I woke up, and they were still asleep. I started a fire and started cooking oatmeal for breakfast. Eventually, they woke up, and we had a meal around the fire. They said that they booked the site for 4 more nights and were planning to go hiking on some of the trails before heading home. They invited me to stay with them. I was taken aback by the openness of some people - truck drivers were willing to transport me from one place to another, but hiking and living with a family of 8 was absolutely mind-blowing and new to me. I was willing to maintain the friendship and closeness with the family, even though my purpose was to go home. Part of me had hoped that if I got to know them well though, that they would take me home with them and drop me off in Toronto. They lived in Mississauga, so distance wise, it's a lot closer than Tobermory. It doesn't take that long to walk from Kipling to Runnymede, so the walk from the outskirts to Downtown Toronto wouldn't be nearly as hefty as the Bruce Trail...
I have a feeling I'm feeling a little too hopeful, but I'm okay with that. I like the feeling of hope.
Hope
I just got a call from Gillian to meet her at her office. I couldn't really tell her tone of voice, but it definitely didn't sound like it was good news. I could have drove, but I knew I was way too emotional to do anything correctly and that the bus would take way too long.
Obviously, I haven't known Gillian for that long, but if she's frantic, either something is really good or something is just horribly bad. I don't know which I'm hoping for. Of course, I'm hoping for good luck, but I still don't really know. I have no idea what to do and how to control my emotions, so I hope writing in this helps...
Obviously, I haven't known Gillian for that long, but if she's frantic, either something is really good or something is just horribly bad. I don't know which I'm hoping for. Of course, I'm hoping for good luck, but I still don't really know. I have no idea what to do and how to control my emotions, so I hope writing in this helps...
Tuesday, 2 September 2014
Stupid Brains, Stupid Trains
So it turned out that that train that I got on, didn't stop in Toronto. It was a one-way from Edmonton to Sudbury - it stopped there. I grabbed a hitchhike from Sudbury to Manitoulin Island, which is kind of the wrong-way I want to go. But I can find my way from Tobermory easier than I can from Sudbury.
I found just enough cash in my pockets to buy a ticket from Manitoulin Island to Tobermory. From Tobermory, it was rather hard to find someone to pick me up just because it's such a residential area. There are many scuba-divers and hikers in the area. It was then, that I realized, carrying all my camping equipment, that even though it would take a long time, I couldn't afford to bus back, that I could hike the Bruce Trail back. It would take many many weeks, but at least I would be able to make it home.
The Bruce Trail goes from Tobermory to Hamilton to Toronto, and even past Toronto into the Scarborough Bluffs. I'm currently in Lions Head at a group campsite, it's dark and it doesn't look like anyone is coming even though someone clearly booked the site. There are also some bear proof garbage cans here, so I'm rather adamant about opening the canned food, we'll see how it goes. I'm not hungry yet...but I can feel the sleepiness of hiking overtaking me. Good night.
Monday, 1 September 2014
Cash
I hardly have any cash on me and I can't afford to withdraw money from the bank account without Jocasta finding out that I'm out and about. I still haven't planned how I'm going to greet her, but I know that I want to see her. I hope her feelings are mutual considering I left without even telling her.
I would always get away with getting on trains unnoticed, just show my ticket stub and pass it on. It worked this time too. I didn't even buy a new ticket stub from my trip two weeks ago. At that time, I went from Toronto to Winnipeg because those train tickets were on sale. I hitchhiked over to the Canadian Rockies, which was a little sketchy, but at the same time, was nice to find some nice drivers on the roads. I showed this man the old ticket stub, and he didn't even take a second look at the date stamp!
Anyways, I'll write when I get back in Toronto. I still have to think about how I'm going to approach Jocasta.
I would always get away with getting on trains unnoticed, just show my ticket stub and pass it on. It worked this time too. I didn't even buy a new ticket stub from my trip two weeks ago. At that time, I went from Toronto to Winnipeg because those train tickets were on sale. I hitchhiked over to the Canadian Rockies, which was a little sketchy, but at the same time, was nice to find some nice drivers on the roads. I showed this man the old ticket stub, and he didn't even take a second look at the date stamp!
Anyways, I'll write when I get back in Toronto. I still have to think about how I'm going to approach Jocasta.
Heading Back
I know it took me a long time to get to the Rockies, it took me almost 5 days with a combination of hitchhikes and using the small amount of cash I have to board trains, but I think I'm going to head back to Toronto now. It's going to be awfully awkward talking to Jocasta, but I think we can get past the awkwardness. I need to know that she has my back, and I can't imagine how she's doing after almost a month of no contact. I couldn't do anything about it because I purposely didn't bring my phone. I thought I could live my life without the people that were originally there, but clearly not. Jocasta had such a large effect on why I lived life and how I did. I miss her, even though I'm not willing to admit it. I do. I really do.
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