Wow

Me, Myself and I,

Oedipus is sleeping so he doesn't know that I'm up. I think he would be a little bit disappointed if he saw me up even though he doesn't want to put me through this much grief. The doctors say that if everything goes well, I can go home tonight. My throat is all scratchy from the tube that they inserted and my stomach just isn't feeling that well, at all. I guess it's understandable because they had to flush it, but somehow, that doesn't make this whole thing any better.

When I got up yesterday morning, I knew that we would have to talk to each other and just talk about the whole situation in general. I understand what he was going through, almost everything that was going through his mind, and I totally understand how he acted when he found out. Fine, he shouldn't have been pushing for the truth, but it's too late to turn back, and I definitely don't blame him for handling it badly. But I could have been so much more open. I don't know how this conversation is going to go, but I do have to get one thing out of the way otherwise I really won't be able to live with myself.

I meet his eyes saying, "I'm sorry." He seems taken aback, almost confused. It looks like he thinks it is entirely his fault, but it isn't. I should have spoken up when I knew that he needed help. I should have provided the help that he required rather than sitting back and expecting him to say something. I should have pushed him when he didn't want to be pushed. I should have been the person I meant to be, the person who looked after a little brother with responsibility. Even if, at the time, I didn't know, I knew his boundaries, and I should have pushed them. He tries to tell me that it's not my fault, but I'm not convinced. It's both our faults.

And then I realize how much our lives have changed in the past few days. I tried to commit suicide and found out my husband is my brother. But the former...I don't know how to address it. Without Oedipus in my life, it was true, I wanted to die to get rid of the guilt that I was feeling. "I'm sorry for trying to kill myself. I thought you wouldn't come back to help me." After saying it, I realize how harsh it was, and I think of rewording it, but I don't know how. I think he knows I don't mean what I mean in that way, but I don't know how to word it in that sense.

And then Oedipus gets his time to talk and he talks about how he went to the palmister to try to please me. Haha, I almost start laughing how ironically that ended up. He tries to give me a birthday present as a joke, and over a period of well, a long long long time, it backfires and instead, I find a younger brother that I didn't even know existed. It's interesting how these things work out.

Oedipus says something about us being together in life, and the minute I hear it, I'm almost shocked. I can't believe he's questioning whether we're going to be in each other's lives. I mean, fine, we're brother and sister whereas a month ago, we were husband and wife, but literally, I don't care how the hell he's in my life, but he has to be in it. He's been my rock for four years, I'm not throwing that down the drain.

He looks taken aback and happy, which is a weird combination of things to see on his face. It's nice to see, though - at least some small, little thing can make him happy. Suddenly, he looks down, looks away, avoids my eyesight and almost looks like a kicked puppy. I've learned the value of patience, and he's learned the value of telling me what's wrong. I wait for it.

"Dad, I found him. I found our father. Do you want to meet him?"

At this admission, I can't stand to meet his eyes. I can't even think about the things coursing through my head. I can't seem to think past this, and I can't believe whether it's true or not. I mean, it's true, but..brother and father. When will I ever find my mother? Or my son?

I find it hard to trust him, I feel like he could have, at least told me what was going on. He should have at least something. As sympathetic I am with him about this topic, I still don't think it's alright that he hid something so big from me. If it was actually true, we could have gone through it together and it probably would have turned out a lot better. There's no doubt that I still love Oedipus, but he broke the trust he gained in the past few months. I thought he was the one person that I could trust, but he proved that wrong already. I'm still wiling to give him the chance to regain his footing and prove himself wrong.

I have to find out whether he actually regrets what he's done or whether he has any feelings whatsoever. We end up talking a little bit more about our father (and step-sister), but I'm really starting to feel the exhaustion of the day. Oedipus seems to realize, and starts to halt the conversation.

A short time later, I see Oedipus walking to the flower that Cal and Gillian left by my bedside. I can't tell whether it's in my dream or in real life, but I should probably tell Oedipus why those two were here to visit me, who they are, what they're doing....but sleep overtook me.

- Jocasta