The Talk

I fell asleep in the position I was in last night, her hand holding mine. She fell asleep like that too. It was nice, at least we had some form of contact, when either of us was a wreck. We both put the things that we've done behind us (at least temporarily) and seek comfort in each other.

Part of me wonders how the talk is going to go...there's no doubt that we will never be able to remain boyfriend/girlfriend but how our brotherly-sisterly relationship will be. Whether we'll be able to get along without the awkwardness that we have. I don't think it's that big of a deal just because even when we were a couple, we weren't as physical as other couples were. We can still act the same way around each other, just in a more brotherly-sisterly way. Of course, I can't even think of kissing her lips any more...that's one thing that part of me will miss, but part of me knowing that I have an older sister to stick by me throughout time.

It's about 9 when she wakes up, slightly droopy. The minute her eyes flash onto me, her pupils turn colour and her cheeks start flushing. I start bracing myself for telling her how sorry I am, and how big of a mistake I made...that I'm not prepared for the words that come out of her mouth.

"I'm so sorry." Wait, what? I insisted on pushing for the truth instead of letting the prophecy be, I ruined our entire relationship and family, and she's sorry? I don't...I have no idea what to say. "It's not your fault, it's mine. I shouldn't have pushed it. If I didn't touch it, we wouldn't have all those problems."

She seems thoughtful, but she doesn't seem to believe me. This talk is going to be a lot more awkward than I thought it is, but there are some things that I should tell her. "It's me that should be sorry, Jocasta." She looks away adamantly. "I tried to visit the palmister to give you a funny reading of some kind of prophecy, but I ended up taking his word way too seriously. It was a result of my actions that you found the truth, and I've ruined our relationship entirely. I'm so sorry."

She looks at me thoughtfully and says quietly, "I'm sorry for trying to kill myself. I thought you wouldn't come back to help me." Flashes of guilt and anger course through me once more, and I look away. I can't bear to look at her then, it was like little arrows digging into me for my stupidity.

"I know I should have known better, and I'm willing to repair our relationship if you're willing to put the effort in. And I mean as siblings, I've never had a sister before - and you've never been a sister before. I don't know how to be a good brother, but the things that I've done leading up to this kind of shows that I need a bit of work. I'm willing to work on it, if...if that's alright with you."

Jocasta meets my eyes and says quietly, "I don't care...how you're in my life, I just need you in it. You're the only family I've got left." At this, my heart picks up its pace, if we can get past this, we can become a family again. We can learn to live with each other and support each other, financially, emotionally and mentally.

"Thank you," I murmur. I don't know how else to thank her - she's giving me a second chance even though I messed up so badly. She nods in recognition, and gives me that look. That look of love, but this time, it's a different kind of look. More like a sisterly-love. Is there a difference? Maybe it's just a placebo and I'm trying to convince myself of it, but either way, I'm glad to have my family back.

Then, comes the hardest part of the talk...I just don't know how to spit it out - although Jocasta has probably put it together already. I catch her eye, and suddenly, it's too much. I look down at the ground...and staring at the ground, I say quietly, "Dad, I found him. I found our father. Do you want to meet him?"

Her eyes grow wide, and it's almost too much for her to handle. She has a whole display and paint of emotions on her face that I can no longer read it. I don't even know what to say because she's spent her entire life trying to find her son and her parents (well, my parents too)...and once I found out who my father was, it makes sense that it would be hers too. Part of me wonders whether it was even a mistake to tell her - whether it was a bad thing to tell her.

Was it too much for her to handle after finding out that her boyfriend was her brother, and then finding her father? I'm so stupid, I should have told her about this later - I should have changed the topic. But when I never thought she would respond, she says "Does he regret it? Giving us up?"

I have to think about this question. Clearly, he stopped charging fees after I found out that we were father and son, but did that mean he regretted it? Or was it a sign of good faith? Part of me wants to disregard the question and change the topic, but I've learned that telling the truth seems to be the best way to go. "I'm not really sure whether he regrets it, I don't know him that well personally, yet. But I know for sure, that he's a changed man. Even though he does some insane things for a living like reading palms and he charges hefty amounts, he's raising a girl who is one of the nicest girls for her age."

Jocasta looks away at that statement and I realize what I said without saying..."Yeah, we have a half-sister, too. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I just didn't know how..."

Jocasta looks up at the ceiling as if it's a piece of artwork and says with a shudder, "I've only ever trusted 2 people in my life - my ex-boyfriend, who left me; and you, who hid so much from me and dumps it on me like a childhood story. I don't know how else to say this...I don't trust you, Oedipus. But I'm willing to give you a second chance. I always believe that people have the best in them and just make mistakes, but that doesn't mean I can go along with your plans or things like that so quickly...I just need some time."

It is at this time, that I realize the true effect and consequences of my actions. The one person that I've ever felt close to, is almost gone. She trusts me - but after 4 years of building up that trust, I killed it within days. I can feel that she's waiting for my response, but I don't know how to respond. I'm just so filled with disappointment...but I have to do this. I need the minute of courage to tell her how much her relationship means to me. I meet her eyes, when I say, "I'm so sorry. I know words don't mean anything, but I'm willing to prove to you that I am still the same man."

She seems to accept the answer, for she nods. She still has the solemn look on her face. That's the one that I know - the one that everyone knows. That she's trying to see the best in people, and is usually successful. I smile, realizing that's another things that we have in common, and we catch each other's glances, smiling.

But something nags at me, the couple that was there yesterday, who were they and how do they even know Jocasta? How do they know how to read her expressions so well that they were willing to give us a moment of privacy? I notice the card and the flowers they gave Jocasta are still on her bedside, so I talk to the flowers to see if there's any note. There is one...all it say is "It's going to be okay. Okay? Okay." Suddenly, I'm downright confused...she told someone else about the entire situation we were in. While I was gone, she managed to get close to two people who are dating and know exactly what the situation is, in a span of like, a month? But I know better than to ask her today. She's been through enough, finding out that I'm her younger brother, that her father is alive and reads palms for living, and she has to absorb the fact that she nearly killed herself. I'm unwilling to put her through such pain.