After four days of knowing this wonderful family, it was time for them to head back. Part of me wanted to hike back, knowing that I had worked to get home. But right before I left, Barbara, the mother, insisted that I leave with them. I said that I didn't want to trouble them, but both the adults and all the children wanted me to come along. I was taken aback, no one had wanted me to join them like this, in a long time. I almost felt a family bonding with them.
On the entire ride back, we were in the minivan (which seats 11 people) watching Frozen. All the kids expected me to sing Let It Go with them, so I tried using my fail-of-a-voice and it made me realize just how lucky they were to grow up in a family like that. So united. It made me realize that I don't just miss Jocasta because I'm some sadistic person who relies on her, she made me feel like I belonged. It made me happy...
After watching Frozen and How to Train Your Dragon 2, we finally arrived back in Toronto. I told the family that dropping me off on the border of Toronto-Missaussaga, but they refused. They said that after all we've been through - that they would drop me off at home. I was taken aback by their kindness, but I shouldn't have because I knew how they were. And how nice they were. Either way, they dropped me right onto my driveway where we exchanged phone numbers. I hope I stay in touch with them. We said our sad goodbyes and they left with the kids crying in the backseat.
But now came the hard part, I knew I had to see Jocasta, but I didn't know how to approach her. I decided to play it by ear, and I rang the doorbell. No one came to the door, which is understandable, because Jocasta and I never opened the door to anyone unless we knew exactly who they were. We'd both just rather not take that chance. But something was off, something felt wrong. I tried to peer in through the gaps in the blinds through the windows, but didn't see anything from the front. I went around back, where the blinds are always closed, and understandably, they were closed too. I still couldn't explain what was wrong, and I didn't have the house keys..I left them in the house along with my access card, so I took the potted plant and dug around the soil to find the hidden house key. I almost forgot about it until I looked at the plant...Jocasta never liked that plant, but I always kept it there for that reason. There was enough soil to bury the key deep inside the soil without anyone realizing that there could be a key in there.
After 5 minutes of digging through soil, I found the treasure. Anxiously, I jammed it into the lock and turned the key. I tried opening it, but the chain was holding the door shut as well. In the two years that we'd been living in that house, we never used the chain. Never. Something was definitely wrong. I couldn't ignore the feeling any longer, so I kicked the door open with all my might. The door flew open, and I realized that there was no way that Jocasta would lock the door with the chain if she wasn't in the house.
A horrible thought goes through me...what if she found out? What would she do to herself? As soon as I work it out (or think I work it out), I run upstairs - the fastest I've ever ran before. And just like I thought, she's lying in her bed...with the strong Tylenol right beside her. I try waking her up by talking to her, it usually works but she wouldn't wake up. I start playing old music that usually wakes her up: ABBA, Simon and Garfunkel, but still, nothing. It isn't until I see the note in her hand that I realize what she tried to do. I touch her neck, praying, praying that I feel a pulse. It isn't until I feel a slight pulse in her neck that I run to the phone and dial 911.
Guilt and anger and disappointment in myself courses through my veins. How could I have left her like that? I knew what she would do if she found out and I left anyway. Then I notice the little sliver in her left hand. Of course she would choose her left hand. She could write with both hands, but was left-hand dominant in the beginning, then switched to the right. When she was 15, she said that she wanted to learn to write with her left again, and went back to it. Ever since, she's been using her left as her dominant hand...
But wait...she's overdosed on drugs before, she said that that's how she lived after the birth of her child and giving it up for adoption. But she's never, ever, left a note before. And then it clicks. She did this for the sole purpose of killing herself. She wanted to die because she found out who I was and that I wasn't there to help her. My god...there's no greater sin. There's nothing worse than nearly marrying your sister, killing your father, and then leaving your sister to the point of misery where she almost kills herself. This is horrifying - how the fucking hell can I live with myself knowing that I've done this? Either way, she hasn't gone yet. I have to let the guilt and anger in myself about what has happened remind me to do better for her next time, and to be by her side when she needs me.
Within 3 minutes, the ambulance arrives and takes her away. She just got her stomach "flushed" - I hope everything else turns out well..she's asleep right now. No one is sure whether she will wake up, but oh god, I hope she does...
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