Not Hopeful At All

Me, Myself, and I:

The Olympians. I got back a long time ago, but I've just been way too perplexed to do anything. I haven't eaten, haven't showered, haven't done anything. I'm just shocked.

Gillian sat me down, provided me with all these amazing teas and coffees and whatnot, but I had enough of the formality. I had to know why they wanted me to come. It would have been something important otherwise they would have told me over the phone. But it had to be important and breakthrough-enough that they want to avoid the topic and tell me the truth at the same time. I remember the agony and the anxiety I felt if they said that they found his body, or that he committed suicide. So I wasn't prepared for the questions that they asked today.

"Do you have any siblings?" 

How the hell is that related to Oedipus? Suddenly, I'm angry..I don't even remember my life before grade 2...it was the last day of school in grade 2 when I was hit by a car. I was waiting, patiently at the pedestrian crossing, and when it turned to "walk", I started walking. From what I understand, the car was turning right...and even though they tried to stop in time, it wasn't fast enough. I was rushed to the hospital where I spent a month and a half in a coma. My skull was cracked, so they had to open it, and perform surgery - strengthening the skull with a metal rod. Yes, I have a metal rod on my head...but I still didn't know what the hell this had to do with Oedipus. I was getting super annoyed by now but they kept trying to dig deeper in my history. I don't know why it's even important.

Cal and Gillian exchanged a glance, and then Gillian sat right beside me. Like she was trying to console me. I'd never been a fan of physical contact, not unless it was with Oedipus. I nearly shrank away. But even though the last question was bad, I wasn't prepared...at all for the next sentence.

"You had a brother, a younger brother 4 years after you were born, you have a baby brother!"

My heart started racing at the statement. How could I? Have a younger brother?? I had a younger brother - someone in my family that I hadn't met yet? This is madness! This isn't possible! I've been getting some memories back in snippets, like getting bullied at the orphanage or seeing faces of adoption parents, but I don't remember my entire story. I couldn't connect the dots...but I had a brother - a brother of the same blood type that was 4 years younger, and also had to go through the orphanage. I started asking where I could find him. I would do anything to meet someone related to me. I have Oedipus, but I don't even know where he is and whether he'll even come back to me.

It was at this moment that the lightbulb started flashing and I thought...Oedipus is also 4 years younger than I am. Or so we thought. We never really knew, but..no. That's not possible, I can't be in a relationship with my baby brother! I'd have dreams as a kid of having a baby sister or a baby brother, what's the possibility that something like that actually occurred? Here and now? I don't know what to do--but wait. I'm thinking way ahead of myself right now. WAAAYYY ahead. I should wait for Gililan or Cal to say something....and I turn my head to look up at them, and I realize that I'm looking up at the ceiling.

Wait what? How is it possible that if I look around, my eyes are on the ceiling. I start getting up, but Gillian pushes me back down lightly. I look around and there's just a whole bunch of people around me. I must have fainted. Oh my god, that's so embarrassing. "Don't worry, you're not the first..." Cal says, and I realize that must have been directed to me. He must be doing his whole face-reading thing. "Are you alright?" asks Gillian. Truth is, I don't know whether I'm alright. I don't know how to deal with Oedipus leaving me and not talking to me, he was the love and prime of my life for four years, and then finding out that I have a baby brother, it's just all too overwhelming. I get the feeling that they have an idea of what I'm going to say, but I don't know how to voice it in words....but everyone's around me, people I haven't even met before. They must be (slightly) trustworthy, but I don't know that for sure...

"Torres, Loker - thanks for all your help." says Gillian, seeing my discomfort. "We'll debrief in the conference room in an hour."

Once they're gone, I feel a little more at ease..but I still don't really know how to form my thoughts into words. Cal seems to be off to the side looking...thoughtful, but there's a hint of something else on his face. I can't really read emotions that well, but after with an abusive family, I learned a little bit about reading facial expressions. There seems to be a mix of...regret or something on his face. Regret? Why would he show regret?

Gillian on the other hand, is able to maintain a straight face. She seems to accept the fact that I'm not going to say anything, and says, rather casually, "Six years ago, there was a case in the United Kingdom where two twins, separated at birth. They met many years later and understandably, felt some sort of attraction towards each other. They tried to get married and it was refused by the government. In the end, they ended getting married even though it wasn't annulled. It wasn't until after their wedding, that they found out they were actually fraternal twins, separated at birth and given away to different birth families. It's cases like these, it's the unique cases where siblings aren't placed together or given a form of communication to stay in touch with each other."

And at this, I knew exactly what she was implying. I was right. I was actually in a relationship with my baby brother. Guilt tears through me as I realize how many times I realized we were so similar in how we dealt with situations, and that I should have realized that something was wrong. I thought it was just because we were meant to be together for life. And we are...but in an entirely different sense. We'll grow old as brother and sister, not husband and wife. Terror shoots through me, we haven't gone to the next base, but I've been dating my younger brother for four years. No wonder he didn't want to come home to face me. How was he supposed to tell me - that he'd been dating his older sister for almost half a decade? Then a thought comes almost as fast as it comes out, and I blurt out "How'd he find out?"

Gillian takes a deep breath and says "It seems all those late nights, those ones that you found suspicious were spent at the palmister's place - reading his palm. At one point, Oedipus got so upset that he tried to kill the palmister and had all the plans in place. That's why he got a hold of the blueprints for the building, to commit the crime. But it turns out that when he got to the building, he didn't do anything. He just listened to the palmister talk about all his other patients and his personal life. When he found out a certain fact, he tested your DNA in the lab from the bandaid that you put in the garbage. That's when he found out that you two were related. That was also around the time that he disappeared."

My heart was racing even faster, as if that was even possible. I started sweating insanely, and I couldn't stop thinking about how I could have handled this situation better than I did. Instead of insisting for him to admit what was wrong (even though I knew something was wrong), I just asked him every day. That wasn't enough. That wasn't enough at all. I close my eyes in shame.

I realize that I'm still in Cal's office, so I open my eyes...and Gillian looks sorry, almost pitiful. "I'm sorry," she murmurs. I nod in recognition, and suddenly, just being in the Lightman Group Office is too much. Gillian seems to realize and says "We'll try to focus on finding Oedipus now - we'll call you if we find anything." She has a security guard walk me out.

Truth is, I don't know how to control all these emotions. There's hate, anger, resentment and confusion in my birth parents and why they even had 2 children, gave us both away, and walked away as if it was nothing. There's regret of even trying to find the truth, but a twinge of happiness now that I know it. There's sadness and disappointment about Oedipus and why he didn't tell me what was going on even though he was stuck between a roc and a hard place. And then there's my stupidity in not finding out sooner. I should have made these connections but I was too lovestruck by him - and now, I can't even tell the difference between girlfriend-boyfriend love and brotherly-sisterly love.

I don't know what I would do if I saw him. Would it just be pure awkwardness? I don't know how to live without Oedipus having my back, and I'd like to think that the feeling is mutual. I don't know what this life is. I really, really, really don't.

I was a wreck after giving my baby up for adoption...Oedipus was the one person who brought me back to earth and made me realize that life was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was. There are some people living the life where they barely get food and water; many kids die from starvation. I knew I didn't have it nearly as bad, but I also have no one to talk, no one to spill to.