Hey Diary!
How's it going? I shouldn't be asking you that, haha. But you kind of helped me through the hardest time of my life, I would be glad to return the favour...but you're kind of a paper book. Don't get me wrong, you make me happy and all, you listen, but that doesn't mean that I can return feelings for you. I must sound so awkward, haaha!
Anyways, so I just thought I'd do a quick update, since you might be wondering how my life is going. Surprisingly, life has been absolutely awesome! I really do love it, even though I thought there would be a slight bit of awkwardness between Oedipus and I, but there isn't. There's none at all. I think we're both just so excited that we've found parts of our family...my brother, my father, my son, and newfound step-sister. It doesn't make it easy when I found out, but slowly and surely, I've been getting to know my father, son, and sister more.
Wait, you don't know about my son, do you? I was so happy when the Lightman Group helped me find him - they said that they saw someone at the palmister's when they walked in, but they didn't tell me this before. I'm okay with that, I think at that time, it was a little bit too much to handle. Anyway, they went to interview my father - the palmister, and he had a "patient." He wasn't showing too much anxiety or nervousness, but somehow, they saw the resemblance between the palmister and the boy. I don't see much, but all of my friends keep telling me that he looks like me.
Right, Lightman Group. Two months ago, Oedipus saw Cal and Gillian in my hospital room, and he never questioned it. I still don't know whether that's because he didn't want to know or he just forgot about it or he remembers and doesn't want to push me for the information. I didn't know what to tell him..that I had hired a group of liar-detectives to investigate your disappearance..but I did. He was blown away that I would go to that extent to find him, but he really shouldn't be. He's the first person that I truly opened up to and he is the only person who knows who I really am. I don't think I'll ever get close to another person like that, but I am satisfied and content with life now. I like it, having all of them by my side.
I'm still living with Oedipus under the same roof, of course not in the way we were before, but it's still rather unnatural for us to sleep on different beds, so we still take up the master bedroom ourselves. It's better for both of us because we know that we're not judgemental of each other, so we can still change and everything in the same room, it's just a matter of having a little bit of privacy when it's needed.
It's awkward living in a 3-bedroom house, and only using one of the bedrooms. We have a study room downstairs for the both of us to work in. We suggested that my son, Tom, move into the other bedroom. I didn't think he would say yes, but I kept the option open to him. I meet with him about once a week at the gym; some people still think it's too old for me to go climbing, but I don't think so. It's something that can bring me closer to my son, and that's the one thing that I want to provide for him, something that I have never done before.
At one point, I thought that I couldn't be a good wife, or a role model sister, or a good mom, but then I realized - none of that matters. As long as you do the best that you can do, then that's enough. I always knew that, subconsciously but I don't think I've ever taken it to heart. I've learned so much in the 2 months that I've had to grow with my new-found family, and it's like something I've never quite experienced before.
Anyway, Tom! He said that he won't live in permanently, but that he'll take up the second bedroom and stay there occasionally. It gives me the opportunity to learn how to be a mother without having the full responsibility, which is something I truly, do need.
I can't say the same with my father, I'm glad that I've known him, but I can't quite relate to him the way Oedipus does. Part of me finds strange ways Oedipus acts when he's around him, which makes me wonder whether he's trying to convince himself that he's okay with meeting and hanging around his father. I know there's a small voice in my head that tells me that it doesn't matter - it truly doesn't, because he can have any idea of his father he wants. But the other part tells me that I should warn him not to become too close in case he becomes disappointed. Then, I think back to the times where I could have used some advice, and I realize that even though someone needs the advice, sometimes, it's just a lot better to let them go through it, and let them learn what they did right or wrong.
That relationship is still up in the air just because first, I don't have time to see him too often even though we have the family dinner every Friday (yes, that tradition still sticks). He's almost the awkward one out, he's definitely the one that brought me and Tom together, but he's just that strange soul that I've never quite understood exactly how to approach him or talk to him. I've never had a fatherly figure in my life and I'm truly happy that I do today.
And then my mother, it took me a while to be able to ask about her to my father. It seemed like a sensitive topic for him, but he said he would tell me anyway. He says that they were the perfect couple before I was born and then they gave me up for adoption, and she was broken. It was like a part of her was missing, and she was never the same. She had the positive outlook on life, the one that both Oedipus and I have. She still tried to see the positive side of things, but she was torn by giving me up. She even sent a request to find me again, and she would visit the adoption centre every single month to see if I was there. Four years later, they thought that they could have another child, so they did. But it brought back way too many memories for my mother, that in the middle of the night, she brought Oedipus to the adoption centre and left and collapsed with grief of giving both her children away. She left that day, she didn't bring anything of importance...she packed a few days worth of clothes and left without a word. He filed a report for the police, but they didn't have anything to go on. They tried, they really did...but there were so many people in shelters and on the streets that they didn't know where to look. But my father always knew that she would be good at hiding, that was the thing that she had a thing for. She knew how to do it and she knew how to do it well.
He got an email a few months back saying that she was getting back on track with her life. She was in a shelter that helped young kids get off the streets by using art, but she was volunteering there. My father said that he knew that she would get out of the phase, but he never knew when the "best" time was. He just never truly did. He didn't know whether it would be okay bringing back the old memories or any of that, so he didn't do anything, anything at all. He said that he still hasn't responded to the email just because he doesn't know what to do. I've opened my mind after finding my brother and my father, I thought I'd suggest that he do the same. And he did. I was truly surprised that he would take the idea and thought of his eldest daughter into account, but he did. And I'm not complaining. He responded to the email yesterday.
Even though my life has taken on entirely new meaning, I'm still happy that it's gone this way. I've met the people I belong with, for life.
Again, I couldn't thank you enough for being here when I needed it, and I'm glad I had you the entire way there.
- Jocasta, with love
Thursday, 20 November 2014
Sunday, 14 September 2014
Wow
Me, Myself and I,
Oedipus is sleeping so he doesn't know that I'm up. I think he would be a little bit disappointed if he saw me up even though he doesn't want to put me through this much grief. The doctors say that if everything goes well, I can go home tonight. My throat is all scratchy from the tube that they inserted and my stomach just isn't feeling that well, at all. I guess it's understandable because they had to flush it, but somehow, that doesn't make this whole thing any better.
When I got up yesterday morning, I knew that we would have to talk to each other and just talk about the whole situation in general. I understand what he was going through, almost everything that was going through his mind, and I totally understand how he acted when he found out. Fine, he shouldn't have been pushing for the truth, but it's too late to turn back, and I definitely don't blame him for handling it badly. But I could have been so much more open. I don't know how this conversation is going to go, but I do have to get one thing out of the way otherwise I really won't be able to live with myself.
I meet his eyes saying, "I'm sorry." He seems taken aback, almost confused. It looks like he thinks it is entirely his fault, but it isn't. I should have spoken up when I knew that he needed help. I should have provided the help that he required rather than sitting back and expecting him to say something. I should have pushed him when he didn't want to be pushed. I should have been the person I meant to be, the person who looked after a little brother with responsibility. Even if, at the time, I didn't know, I knew his boundaries, and I should have pushed them. He tries to tell me that it's not my fault, but I'm not convinced. It's both our faults.
And then I realize how much our lives have changed in the past few days. I tried to commit suicide and found out my husband is my brother. But the former...I don't know how to address it. Without Oedipus in my life, it was true, I wanted to die to get rid of the guilt that I was feeling. "I'm sorry for trying to kill myself. I thought you wouldn't come back to help me." After saying it, I realize how harsh it was, and I think of rewording it, but I don't know how. I think he knows I don't mean what I mean in that way, but I don't know how to word it in that sense.
And then Oedipus gets his time to talk and he talks about how he went to the palmister to try to please me. Haha, I almost start laughing how ironically that ended up. He tries to give me a birthday present as a joke, and over a period of well, a long long long time, it backfires and instead, I find a younger brother that I didn't even know existed. It's interesting how these things work out.
Oedipus says something about us being together in life, and the minute I hear it, I'm almost shocked. I can't believe he's questioning whether we're going to be in each other's lives. I mean, fine, we're brother and sister whereas a month ago, we were husband and wife, but literally, I don't care how the hell he's in my life, but he has to be in it. He's been my rock for four years, I'm not throwing that down the drain.
He looks taken aback and happy, which is a weird combination of things to see on his face. It's nice to see, though - at least some small, little thing can make him happy. Suddenly, he looks down, looks away, avoids my eyesight and almost looks like a kicked puppy. I've learned the value of patience, and he's learned the value of telling me what's wrong. I wait for it.
"Dad, I found him. I found our father. Do you want to meet him?"
At this admission, I can't stand to meet his eyes. I can't even think about the things coursing through my head. I can't seem to think past this, and I can't believe whether it's true or not. I mean, it's true, but..brother and father. When will I ever find my mother? Or my son?
I find it hard to trust him, I feel like he could have, at least told me what was going on. He should have at least something. As sympathetic I am with him about this topic, I still don't think it's alright that he hid something so big from me. If it was actually true, we could have gone through it together and it probably would have turned out a lot better. There's no doubt that I still love Oedipus, but he broke the trust he gained in the past few months. I thought he was the one person that I could trust, but he proved that wrong already. I'm still wiling to give him the chance to regain his footing and prove himself wrong.
I have to find out whether he actually regrets what he's done or whether he has any feelings whatsoever. We end up talking a little bit more about our father (and step-sister), but I'm really starting to feel the exhaustion of the day. Oedipus seems to realize, and starts to halt the conversation.
A short time later, I see Oedipus walking to the flower that Cal and Gillian left by my bedside. I can't tell whether it's in my dream or in real life, but I should probably tell Oedipus why those two were here to visit me, who they are, what they're doing....but sleep overtook me.
- Jocasta
Oedipus is sleeping so he doesn't know that I'm up. I think he would be a little bit disappointed if he saw me up even though he doesn't want to put me through this much grief. The doctors say that if everything goes well, I can go home tonight. My throat is all scratchy from the tube that they inserted and my stomach just isn't feeling that well, at all. I guess it's understandable because they had to flush it, but somehow, that doesn't make this whole thing any better.
When I got up yesterday morning, I knew that we would have to talk to each other and just talk about the whole situation in general. I understand what he was going through, almost everything that was going through his mind, and I totally understand how he acted when he found out. Fine, he shouldn't have been pushing for the truth, but it's too late to turn back, and I definitely don't blame him for handling it badly. But I could have been so much more open. I don't know how this conversation is going to go, but I do have to get one thing out of the way otherwise I really won't be able to live with myself.
I meet his eyes saying, "I'm sorry." He seems taken aback, almost confused. It looks like he thinks it is entirely his fault, but it isn't. I should have spoken up when I knew that he needed help. I should have provided the help that he required rather than sitting back and expecting him to say something. I should have pushed him when he didn't want to be pushed. I should have been the person I meant to be, the person who looked after a little brother with responsibility. Even if, at the time, I didn't know, I knew his boundaries, and I should have pushed them. He tries to tell me that it's not my fault, but I'm not convinced. It's both our faults.
And then I realize how much our lives have changed in the past few days. I tried to commit suicide and found out my husband is my brother. But the former...I don't know how to address it. Without Oedipus in my life, it was true, I wanted to die to get rid of the guilt that I was feeling. "I'm sorry for trying to kill myself. I thought you wouldn't come back to help me." After saying it, I realize how harsh it was, and I think of rewording it, but I don't know how. I think he knows I don't mean what I mean in that way, but I don't know how to word it in that sense.
And then Oedipus gets his time to talk and he talks about how he went to the palmister to try to please me. Haha, I almost start laughing how ironically that ended up. He tries to give me a birthday present as a joke, and over a period of well, a long long long time, it backfires and instead, I find a younger brother that I didn't even know existed. It's interesting how these things work out.
Oedipus says something about us being together in life, and the minute I hear it, I'm almost shocked. I can't believe he's questioning whether we're going to be in each other's lives. I mean, fine, we're brother and sister whereas a month ago, we were husband and wife, but literally, I don't care how the hell he's in my life, but he has to be in it. He's been my rock for four years, I'm not throwing that down the drain.
He looks taken aback and happy, which is a weird combination of things to see on his face. It's nice to see, though - at least some small, little thing can make him happy. Suddenly, he looks down, looks away, avoids my eyesight and almost looks like a kicked puppy. I've learned the value of patience, and he's learned the value of telling me what's wrong. I wait for it.
"Dad, I found him. I found our father. Do you want to meet him?"
At this admission, I can't stand to meet his eyes. I can't even think about the things coursing through my head. I can't seem to think past this, and I can't believe whether it's true or not. I mean, it's true, but..brother and father. When will I ever find my mother? Or my son?
I find it hard to trust him, I feel like he could have, at least told me what was going on. He should have at least something. As sympathetic I am with him about this topic, I still don't think it's alright that he hid something so big from me. If it was actually true, we could have gone through it together and it probably would have turned out a lot better. There's no doubt that I still love Oedipus, but he broke the trust he gained in the past few months. I thought he was the one person that I could trust, but he proved that wrong already. I'm still wiling to give him the chance to regain his footing and prove himself wrong.
I have to find out whether he actually regrets what he's done or whether he has any feelings whatsoever. We end up talking a little bit more about our father (and step-sister), but I'm really starting to feel the exhaustion of the day. Oedipus seems to realize, and starts to halt the conversation.
A short time later, I see Oedipus walking to the flower that Cal and Gillian left by my bedside. I can't tell whether it's in my dream or in real life, but I should probably tell Oedipus why those two were here to visit me, who they are, what they're doing....but sleep overtook me.
- Jocasta
Saturday, 13 September 2014
The Talk
I fell asleep in the position I was in last night, her hand holding mine. She fell asleep like that too. It was nice, at least we had some form of contact, when either of us was a wreck. We both put the things that we've done behind us (at least temporarily) and seek comfort in each other.
Part of me wonders how the talk is going to go...there's no doubt that we will never be able to remain boyfriend/girlfriend but how our brotherly-sisterly relationship will be. Whether we'll be able to get along without the awkwardness that we have. I don't think it's that big of a deal just because even when we were a couple, we weren't as physical as other couples were. We can still act the same way around each other, just in a more brotherly-sisterly way. Of course, I can't even think of kissing her lips any more...that's one thing that part of me will miss, but part of me knowing that I have an older sister to stick by me throughout time.
It's about 9 when she wakes up, slightly droopy. The minute her eyes flash onto me, her pupils turn colour and her cheeks start flushing. I start bracing myself for telling her how sorry I am, and how big of a mistake I made...that I'm not prepared for the words that come out of her mouth.
"I'm so sorry." Wait, what? I insisted on pushing for the truth instead of letting the prophecy be, I ruined our entire relationship and family, and she's sorry? I don't...I have no idea what to say. "It's not your fault, it's mine. I shouldn't have pushed it. If I didn't touch it, we wouldn't have all those problems."
She seems thoughtful, but she doesn't seem to believe me. This talk is going to be a lot more awkward than I thought it is, but there are some things that I should tell her. "It's me that should be sorry, Jocasta." She looks away adamantly. "I tried to visit the palmister to give you a funny reading of some kind of prophecy, but I ended up taking his word way too seriously. It was a result of my actions that you found the truth, and I've ruined our relationship entirely. I'm so sorry."
She looks at me thoughtfully and says quietly, "I'm sorry for trying to kill myself. I thought you wouldn't come back to help me." Flashes of guilt and anger course through me once more, and I look away. I can't bear to look at her then, it was like little arrows digging into me for my stupidity.
"I know I should have known better, and I'm willing to repair our relationship if you're willing to put the effort in. And I mean as siblings, I've never had a sister before - and you've never been a sister before. I don't know how to be a good brother, but the things that I've done leading up to this kind of shows that I need a bit of work. I'm willing to work on it, if...if that's alright with you."
Jocasta meets my eyes and says quietly, "I don't care...how you're in my life, I just need you in it. You're the only family I've got left." At this, my heart picks up its pace, if we can get past this, we can become a family again. We can learn to live with each other and support each other, financially, emotionally and mentally.
"Thank you," I murmur. I don't know how else to thank her - she's giving me a second chance even though I messed up so badly. She nods in recognition, and gives me that look. That look of love, but this time, it's a different kind of look. More like a sisterly-love. Is there a difference? Maybe it's just a placebo and I'm trying to convince myself of it, but either way, I'm glad to have my family back.
Then, comes the hardest part of the talk...I just don't know how to spit it out - although Jocasta has probably put it together already. I catch her eye, and suddenly, it's too much. I look down at the ground...and staring at the ground, I say quietly, "Dad, I found him. I found our father. Do you want to meet him?"
Her eyes grow wide, and it's almost too much for her to handle. She has a whole display and paint of emotions on her face that I can no longer read it. I don't even know what to say because she's spent her entire life trying to find her son and her parents (well, my parents too)...and once I found out who my father was, it makes sense that it would be hers too. Part of me wonders whether it was even a mistake to tell her - whether it was a bad thing to tell her.
Was it too much for her to handle after finding out that her boyfriend was her brother, and then finding her father? I'm so stupid, I should have told her about this later - I should have changed the topic. But when I never thought she would respond, she says "Does he regret it? Giving us up?"
I have to think about this question. Clearly, he stopped charging fees after I found out that we were father and son, but did that mean he regretted it? Or was it a sign of good faith? Part of me wants to disregard the question and change the topic, but I've learned that telling the truth seems to be the best way to go. "I'm not really sure whether he regrets it, I don't know him that well personally, yet. But I know for sure, that he's a changed man. Even though he does some insane things for a living like reading palms and he charges hefty amounts, he's raising a girl who is one of the nicest girls for her age."
Jocasta looks away at that statement and I realize what I said without saying..."Yeah, we have a half-sister, too. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I just didn't know how..."
Jocasta looks up at the ceiling as if it's a piece of artwork and says with a shudder, "I've only ever trusted 2 people in my life - my ex-boyfriend, who left me; and you, who hid so much from me and dumps it on me like a childhood story. I don't know how else to say this...I don't trust you, Oedipus. But I'm willing to give you a second chance. I always believe that people have the best in them and just make mistakes, but that doesn't mean I can go along with your plans or things like that so quickly...I just need some time."
It is at this time, that I realize the true effect and consequences of my actions. The one person that I've ever felt close to, is almost gone. She trusts me - but after 4 years of building up that trust, I killed it within days. I can feel that she's waiting for my response, but I don't know how to respond. I'm just so filled with disappointment...but I have to do this. I need the minute of courage to tell her how much her relationship means to me. I meet her eyes, when I say, "I'm so sorry. I know words don't mean anything, but I'm willing to prove to you that I am still the same man."
She seems to accept the answer, for she nods. She still has the solemn look on her face. That's the one that I know - the one that everyone knows. That she's trying to see the best in people, and is usually successful. I smile, realizing that's another things that we have in common, and we catch each other's glances, smiling.
But something nags at me, the couple that was there yesterday, who were they and how do they even know Jocasta? How do they know how to read her expressions so well that they were willing to give us a moment of privacy? I notice the card and the flowers they gave Jocasta are still on her bedside, so I talk to the flowers to see if there's any note. There is one...all it say is "It's going to be okay. Okay? Okay." Suddenly, I'm downright confused...she told someone else about the entire situation we were in. While I was gone, she managed to get close to two people who are dating and know exactly what the situation is, in a span of like, a month? But I know better than to ask her today. She's been through enough, finding out that I'm her younger brother, that her father is alive and reads palms for living, and she has to absorb the fact that she nearly killed herself. I'm unwilling to put her through such pain.
Part of me wonders how the talk is going to go...there's no doubt that we will never be able to remain boyfriend/girlfriend but how our brotherly-sisterly relationship will be. Whether we'll be able to get along without the awkwardness that we have. I don't think it's that big of a deal just because even when we were a couple, we weren't as physical as other couples were. We can still act the same way around each other, just in a more brotherly-sisterly way. Of course, I can't even think of kissing her lips any more...that's one thing that part of me will miss, but part of me knowing that I have an older sister to stick by me throughout time.
It's about 9 when she wakes up, slightly droopy. The minute her eyes flash onto me, her pupils turn colour and her cheeks start flushing. I start bracing myself for telling her how sorry I am, and how big of a mistake I made...that I'm not prepared for the words that come out of her mouth.
"I'm so sorry." Wait, what? I insisted on pushing for the truth instead of letting the prophecy be, I ruined our entire relationship and family, and she's sorry? I don't...I have no idea what to say. "It's not your fault, it's mine. I shouldn't have pushed it. If I didn't touch it, we wouldn't have all those problems."
She seems thoughtful, but she doesn't seem to believe me. This talk is going to be a lot more awkward than I thought it is, but there are some things that I should tell her. "It's me that should be sorry, Jocasta." She looks away adamantly. "I tried to visit the palmister to give you a funny reading of some kind of prophecy, but I ended up taking his word way too seriously. It was a result of my actions that you found the truth, and I've ruined our relationship entirely. I'm so sorry."
She looks at me thoughtfully and says quietly, "I'm sorry for trying to kill myself. I thought you wouldn't come back to help me." Flashes of guilt and anger course through me once more, and I look away. I can't bear to look at her then, it was like little arrows digging into me for my stupidity.
"I know I should have known better, and I'm willing to repair our relationship if you're willing to put the effort in. And I mean as siblings, I've never had a sister before - and you've never been a sister before. I don't know how to be a good brother, but the things that I've done leading up to this kind of shows that I need a bit of work. I'm willing to work on it, if...if that's alright with you."
Jocasta meets my eyes and says quietly, "I don't care...how you're in my life, I just need you in it. You're the only family I've got left." At this, my heart picks up its pace, if we can get past this, we can become a family again. We can learn to live with each other and support each other, financially, emotionally and mentally.
"Thank you," I murmur. I don't know how else to thank her - she's giving me a second chance even though I messed up so badly. She nods in recognition, and gives me that look. That look of love, but this time, it's a different kind of look. More like a sisterly-love. Is there a difference? Maybe it's just a placebo and I'm trying to convince myself of it, but either way, I'm glad to have my family back.
Then, comes the hardest part of the talk...I just don't know how to spit it out - although Jocasta has probably put it together already. I catch her eye, and suddenly, it's too much. I look down at the ground...and staring at the ground, I say quietly, "Dad, I found him. I found our father. Do you want to meet him?"
Her eyes grow wide, and it's almost too much for her to handle. She has a whole display and paint of emotions on her face that I can no longer read it. I don't even know what to say because she's spent her entire life trying to find her son and her parents (well, my parents too)...and once I found out who my father was, it makes sense that it would be hers too. Part of me wonders whether it was even a mistake to tell her - whether it was a bad thing to tell her.
Was it too much for her to handle after finding out that her boyfriend was her brother, and then finding her father? I'm so stupid, I should have told her about this later - I should have changed the topic. But when I never thought she would respond, she says "Does he regret it? Giving us up?"
I have to think about this question. Clearly, he stopped charging fees after I found out that we were father and son, but did that mean he regretted it? Or was it a sign of good faith? Part of me wants to disregard the question and change the topic, but I've learned that telling the truth seems to be the best way to go. "I'm not really sure whether he regrets it, I don't know him that well personally, yet. But I know for sure, that he's a changed man. Even though he does some insane things for a living like reading palms and he charges hefty amounts, he's raising a girl who is one of the nicest girls for her age."
Jocasta looks away at that statement and I realize what I said without saying..."Yeah, we have a half-sister, too. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I just didn't know how..."
Jocasta looks up at the ceiling as if it's a piece of artwork and says with a shudder, "I've only ever trusted 2 people in my life - my ex-boyfriend, who left me; and you, who hid so much from me and dumps it on me like a childhood story. I don't know how else to say this...I don't trust you, Oedipus. But I'm willing to give you a second chance. I always believe that people have the best in them and just make mistakes, but that doesn't mean I can go along with your plans or things like that so quickly...I just need some time."
It is at this time, that I realize the true effect and consequences of my actions. The one person that I've ever felt close to, is almost gone. She trusts me - but after 4 years of building up that trust, I killed it within days. I can feel that she's waiting for my response, but I don't know how to respond. I'm just so filled with disappointment...but I have to do this. I need the minute of courage to tell her how much her relationship means to me. I meet her eyes, when I say, "I'm so sorry. I know words don't mean anything, but I'm willing to prove to you that I am still the same man."
She seems to accept the answer, for she nods. She still has the solemn look on her face. That's the one that I know - the one that everyone knows. That she's trying to see the best in people, and is usually successful. I smile, realizing that's another things that we have in common, and we catch each other's glances, smiling.
But something nags at me, the couple that was there yesterday, who were they and how do they even know Jocasta? How do they know how to read her expressions so well that they were willing to give us a moment of privacy? I notice the card and the flowers they gave Jocasta are still on her bedside, so I talk to the flowers to see if there's any note. There is one...all it say is "It's going to be okay. Okay? Okay." Suddenly, I'm downright confused...she told someone else about the entire situation we were in. While I was gone, she managed to get close to two people who are dating and know exactly what the situation is, in a span of like, a month? But I know better than to ask her today. She's been through enough, finding out that I'm her younger brother, that her father is alive and reads palms for living, and she has to absorb the fact that she nearly killed herself. I'm unwilling to put her through such pain.
Friday, 12 September 2014
Phew
Jocasta woke up yesterday when I was out for breakfast down at the hospital wing cafeteria at St. Michael's Hospital on Queensway. I'm almost glad that I wasn't there when she woke up, so she wouldn't be startled by my presence. At the same time, it makes it a little harder to justify why I came back when she doesn't see me there when she first woke up.
I didn't know what to do, so I went a short bus ride away to get some roses, the kinds that she likes. I went back to her hospital room, but there were two people talking to her quietly. They brought some flower, said a few words silently, which she acknowledged with a thankful look on her face. I seem to remember her saying thank you, at least 10 times. One of them, a buff man with a slight moustache and slight beard, looking like he hasn't shaven in weeks. I don't blame him, I literally haven't shaven in a month. The other, a tall slender woman, with dark brown curls..who are they? I've never seen them before, and suddenly they are looking at her with such sadness and emotion on their faces. Could they be here because of me? Either way, the minute they see me, their eyes grow wide in surprise. Jocasta catches their movement, following their eyesight, and she's in shock.
The two strangers know to give us some room, some privacy and mutter some words. I just didn't have the heart to hear or listen to them. Things are just way to uneven and strange between Jocasta and I right now, and someone else - maybe a couple, dating? It's just way too much for me to handle right now. But I can feel Jocasta looking at me, and I feel the need to look back.
She stares at me with a whole plate of emotions on her face. From shame to guilt to disappointment to love to sadness, her eyes grew wide in surprise and her lips parted slightly. Neither of us knew what to say to each other, but the minute I came close to her bed, she gave me a weak hug. I could tell that was how little strength she had, but I hugged her back anyway. I dropped the flowers by her bedside, and took the chair right beside her head. She reached for my hand, and just held it. We didn't speak for the whole time, it was just her, holding my hand. We can speak tomorrow, or the next day. What matters is that we're here for each other when we really need to be, and for her, my presence was enough.
I didn't know what to do, so I went a short bus ride away to get some roses, the kinds that she likes. I went back to her hospital room, but there were two people talking to her quietly. They brought some flower, said a few words silently, which she acknowledged with a thankful look on her face. I seem to remember her saying thank you, at least 10 times. One of them, a buff man with a slight moustache and slight beard, looking like he hasn't shaven in weeks. I don't blame him, I literally haven't shaven in a month. The other, a tall slender woman, with dark brown curls..who are they? I've never seen them before, and suddenly they are looking at her with such sadness and emotion on their faces. Could they be here because of me? Either way, the minute they see me, their eyes grow wide in surprise. Jocasta catches their movement, following their eyesight, and she's in shock.
The two strangers know to give us some room, some privacy and mutter some words. I just didn't have the heart to hear or listen to them. Things are just way to uneven and strange between Jocasta and I right now, and someone else - maybe a couple, dating? It's just way too much for me to handle right now. But I can feel Jocasta looking at me, and I feel the need to look back.
She stares at me with a whole plate of emotions on her face. From shame to guilt to disappointment to love to sadness, her eyes grew wide in surprise and her lips parted slightly. Neither of us knew what to say to each other, but the minute I came close to her bed, she gave me a weak hug. I could tell that was how little strength she had, but I hugged her back anyway. I dropped the flowers by her bedside, and took the chair right beside her head. She reached for my hand, and just held it. We didn't speak for the whole time, it was just her, holding my hand. We can speak tomorrow, or the next day. What matters is that we're here for each other when we really need to be, and for her, my presence was enough.
Wednesday, 10 September 2014
Heading home!
After four days of knowing this wonderful family, it was time for them to head back. Part of me wanted to hike back, knowing that I had worked to get home. But right before I left, Barbara, the mother, insisted that I leave with them. I said that I didn't want to trouble them, but both the adults and all the children wanted me to come along. I was taken aback, no one had wanted me to join them like this, in a long time. I almost felt a family bonding with them.
On the entire ride back, we were in the minivan (which seats 11 people) watching Frozen. All the kids expected me to sing Let It Go with them, so I tried using my fail-of-a-voice and it made me realize just how lucky they were to grow up in a family like that. So united. It made me realize that I don't just miss Jocasta because I'm some sadistic person who relies on her, she made me feel like I belonged. It made me happy...
After watching Frozen and How to Train Your Dragon 2, we finally arrived back in Toronto. I told the family that dropping me off on the border of Toronto-Missaussaga, but they refused. They said that after all we've been through - that they would drop me off at home. I was taken aback by their kindness, but I shouldn't have because I knew how they were. And how nice they were. Either way, they dropped me right onto my driveway where we exchanged phone numbers. I hope I stay in touch with them. We said our sad goodbyes and they left with the kids crying in the backseat.
But now came the hard part, I knew I had to see Jocasta, but I didn't know how to approach her. I decided to play it by ear, and I rang the doorbell. No one came to the door, which is understandable, because Jocasta and I never opened the door to anyone unless we knew exactly who they were. We'd both just rather not take that chance. But something was off, something felt wrong. I tried to peer in through the gaps in the blinds through the windows, but didn't see anything from the front. I went around back, where the blinds are always closed, and understandably, they were closed too. I still couldn't explain what was wrong, and I didn't have the house keys..I left them in the house along with my access card, so I took the potted plant and dug around the soil to find the hidden house key. I almost forgot about it until I looked at the plant...Jocasta never liked that plant, but I always kept it there for that reason. There was enough soil to bury the key deep inside the soil without anyone realizing that there could be a key in there.
After 5 minutes of digging through soil, I found the treasure. Anxiously, I jammed it into the lock and turned the key. I tried opening it, but the chain was holding the door shut as well. In the two years that we'd been living in that house, we never used the chain. Never. Something was definitely wrong. I couldn't ignore the feeling any longer, so I kicked the door open with all my might. The door flew open, and I realized that there was no way that Jocasta would lock the door with the chain if she wasn't in the house.
A horrible thought goes through me...what if she found out? What would she do to herself? As soon as I work it out (or think I work it out), I run upstairs - the fastest I've ever ran before. And just like I thought, she's lying in her bed...with the strong Tylenol right beside her. I try waking her up by talking to her, it usually works but she wouldn't wake up. I start playing old music that usually wakes her up: ABBA, Simon and Garfunkel, but still, nothing. It isn't until I see the note in her hand that I realize what she tried to do. I touch her neck, praying, praying that I feel a pulse. It isn't until I feel a slight pulse in her neck that I run to the phone and dial 911.
Guilt and anger and disappointment in myself courses through my veins. How could I have left her like that? I knew what she would do if she found out and I left anyway. Then I notice the little sliver in her left hand. Of course she would choose her left hand. She could write with both hands, but was left-hand dominant in the beginning, then switched to the right. When she was 15, she said that she wanted to learn to write with her left again, and went back to it. Ever since, she's been using her left as her dominant hand...
But wait...she's overdosed on drugs before, she said that that's how she lived after the birth of her child and giving it up for adoption. But she's never, ever, left a note before. And then it clicks. She did this for the sole purpose of killing herself. She wanted to die because she found out who I was and that I wasn't there to help her. My god...there's no greater sin. There's nothing worse than nearly marrying your sister, killing your father, and then leaving your sister to the point of misery where she almost kills herself. This is horrifying - how the fucking hell can I live with myself knowing that I've done this? Either way, she hasn't gone yet. I have to let the guilt and anger in myself about what has happened remind me to do better for her next time, and to be by her side when she needs me.
Within 3 minutes, the ambulance arrives and takes her away. She just got her stomach "flushed" - I hope everything else turns out well..she's asleep right now. No one is sure whether she will wake up, but oh god, I hope she does...
On the entire ride back, we were in the minivan (which seats 11 people) watching Frozen. All the kids expected me to sing Let It Go with them, so I tried using my fail-of-a-voice and it made me realize just how lucky they were to grow up in a family like that. So united. It made me realize that I don't just miss Jocasta because I'm some sadistic person who relies on her, she made me feel like I belonged. It made me happy...
After watching Frozen and How to Train Your Dragon 2, we finally arrived back in Toronto. I told the family that dropping me off on the border of Toronto-Missaussaga, but they refused. They said that after all we've been through - that they would drop me off at home. I was taken aback by their kindness, but I shouldn't have because I knew how they were. And how nice they were. Either way, they dropped me right onto my driveway where we exchanged phone numbers. I hope I stay in touch with them. We said our sad goodbyes and they left with the kids crying in the backseat.
But now came the hard part, I knew I had to see Jocasta, but I didn't know how to approach her. I decided to play it by ear, and I rang the doorbell. No one came to the door, which is understandable, because Jocasta and I never opened the door to anyone unless we knew exactly who they were. We'd both just rather not take that chance. But something was off, something felt wrong. I tried to peer in through the gaps in the blinds through the windows, but didn't see anything from the front. I went around back, where the blinds are always closed, and understandably, they were closed too. I still couldn't explain what was wrong, and I didn't have the house keys..I left them in the house along with my access card, so I took the potted plant and dug around the soil to find the hidden house key. I almost forgot about it until I looked at the plant...Jocasta never liked that plant, but I always kept it there for that reason. There was enough soil to bury the key deep inside the soil without anyone realizing that there could be a key in there.
After 5 minutes of digging through soil, I found the treasure. Anxiously, I jammed it into the lock and turned the key. I tried opening it, but the chain was holding the door shut as well. In the two years that we'd been living in that house, we never used the chain. Never. Something was definitely wrong. I couldn't ignore the feeling any longer, so I kicked the door open with all my might. The door flew open, and I realized that there was no way that Jocasta would lock the door with the chain if she wasn't in the house.
A horrible thought goes through me...what if she found out? What would she do to herself? As soon as I work it out (or think I work it out), I run upstairs - the fastest I've ever ran before. And just like I thought, she's lying in her bed...with the strong Tylenol right beside her. I try waking her up by talking to her, it usually works but she wouldn't wake up. I start playing old music that usually wakes her up: ABBA, Simon and Garfunkel, but still, nothing. It isn't until I see the note in her hand that I realize what she tried to do. I touch her neck, praying, praying that I feel a pulse. It isn't until I feel a slight pulse in her neck that I run to the phone and dial 911.
Guilt and anger and disappointment in myself courses through my veins. How could I have left her like that? I knew what she would do if she found out and I left anyway. Then I notice the little sliver in her left hand. Of course she would choose her left hand. She could write with both hands, but was left-hand dominant in the beginning, then switched to the right. When she was 15, she said that she wanted to learn to write with her left again, and went back to it. Ever since, she's been using her left as her dominant hand...
But wait...she's overdosed on drugs before, she said that that's how she lived after the birth of her child and giving it up for adoption. But she's never, ever, left a note before. And then it clicks. She did this for the sole purpose of killing herself. She wanted to die because she found out who I was and that I wasn't there to help her. My god...there's no greater sin. There's nothing worse than nearly marrying your sister, killing your father, and then leaving your sister to the point of misery where she almost kills herself. This is horrifying - how the fucking hell can I live with myself knowing that I've done this? Either way, she hasn't gone yet. I have to let the guilt and anger in myself about what has happened remind me to do better for her next time, and to be by her side when she needs me.
Within 3 minutes, the ambulance arrives and takes her away. She just got her stomach "flushed" - I hope everything else turns out well..she's asleep right now. No one is sure whether she will wake up, but oh god, I hope she does...
Goodbye.
Hey,
I don't know who else to turn to, so this is for you.
Thank you for being there when I needed to write. You couldn't respond, but you listened. I couldn't have asked for more - sometimes, a listening ear is what someone needs. It helped, but right now, I need something more than just an ear.
In 24 hours, you won't see me. You won't hear from me. I'll never be able to write in you again.
Oedipus, if you ever come back to find me and if you ever read this, know that I'm sorry. That I'm so sorry. I didn't know who you were and you didn't know who I was, but that doesn't make this situation any better. I should have known better, little brother. I never found my little son, but I put in a request to be reunited with my son through the adoption agency. No one has been able to find him, but if he is found, tell him that I love him, with all my heart. And that I'm so sorry about leaving him. I love you, Oedipus. Be strong for me.
To Cal and Gillian, thank you for finding out what happened to Oedipus. Even though it wasn't a good outcome, it will be good leaving knowing the truth of what happened. Thank you for your unconditional work at seeking the truth.
And lastly, to Mum and Dad, wherever you are, I know the feeling of putting children up for adoption. It kills me bit by bit knowing that I gave up my son, I don't want to imagine what it feels like to give both your children up for adoption. I hope you're doing well.
Love,
- Jocasta
Friday, 5 September 2014
Not Hopeful At All
Me, Myself, and I:
The Olympians. I got back a long time ago, but I've just been way too perplexed to do anything. I haven't eaten, haven't showered, haven't done anything. I'm just shocked.
Gillian sat me down, provided me with all these amazing teas and coffees and whatnot, but I had enough of the formality. I had to know why they wanted me to come. It would have been something important otherwise they would have told me over the phone. But it had to be important and breakthrough-enough that they want to avoid the topic and tell me the truth at the same time. I remember the agony and the anxiety I felt if they said that they found his body, or that he committed suicide. So I wasn't prepared for the questions that they asked today.
"Do you have any siblings?"
How the hell is that related to Oedipus? Suddenly, I'm angry..I don't even remember my life before grade 2...it was the last day of school in grade 2 when I was hit by a car. I was waiting, patiently at the pedestrian crossing, and when it turned to "walk", I started walking. From what I understand, the car was turning right...and even though they tried to stop in time, it wasn't fast enough. I was rushed to the hospital where I spent a month and a half in a coma. My skull was cracked, so they had to open it, and perform surgery - strengthening the skull with a metal rod. Yes, I have a metal rod on my head...but I still didn't know what the hell this had to do with Oedipus. I was getting super annoyed by now but they kept trying to dig deeper in my history. I don't know why it's even important.
Cal and Gillian exchanged a glance, and then Gillian sat right beside me. Like she was trying to console me. I'd never been a fan of physical contact, not unless it was with Oedipus. I nearly shrank away. But even though the last question was bad, I wasn't prepared...at all for the next sentence.
"You had a brother, a younger brother 4 years after you were born, you have a baby brother!"
My heart started racing at the statement. How could I? Have a younger brother?? I had a younger brother - someone in my family that I hadn't met yet? This is madness! This isn't possible! I've been getting some memories back in snippets, like getting bullied at the orphanage or seeing faces of adoption parents, but I don't remember my entire story. I couldn't connect the dots...but I had a brother - a brother of the same blood type that was 4 years younger, and also had to go through the orphanage. I started asking where I could find him. I would do anything to meet someone related to me. I have Oedipus, but I don't even know where he is and whether he'll even come back to me.
It was at this moment that the lightbulb started flashing and I thought...Oedipus is also 4 years younger than I am. Or so we thought. We never really knew, but..no. That's not possible, I can't be in a relationship with my baby brother! I'd have dreams as a kid of having a baby sister or a baby brother, what's the possibility that something like that actually occurred? Here and now? I don't know what to do--but wait. I'm thinking way ahead of myself right now. WAAAYYY ahead. I should wait for Gililan or Cal to say something....and I turn my head to look up at them, and I realize that I'm looking up at the ceiling.
Wait what? How is it possible that if I look around, my eyes are on the ceiling. I start getting up, but Gillian pushes me back down lightly. I look around and there's just a whole bunch of people around me. I must have fainted. Oh my god, that's so embarrassing. "Don't worry, you're not the first..." Cal says, and I realize that must have been directed to me. He must be doing his whole face-reading thing. "Are you alright?" asks Gillian. Truth is, I don't know whether I'm alright. I don't know how to deal with Oedipus leaving me and not talking to me, he was the love and prime of my life for four years, and then finding out that I have a baby brother, it's just all too overwhelming. I get the feeling that they have an idea of what I'm going to say, but I don't know how to voice it in words....but everyone's around me, people I haven't even met before. They must be (slightly) trustworthy, but I don't know that for sure...
"Torres, Loker - thanks for all your help." says Gillian, seeing my discomfort. "We'll debrief in the conference room in an hour."
Once they're gone, I feel a little more at ease..but I still don't really know how to form my thoughts into words. Cal seems to be off to the side looking...thoughtful, but there's a hint of something else on his face. I can't really read emotions that well, but after with an abusive family, I learned a little bit about reading facial expressions. There seems to be a mix of...regret or something on his face. Regret? Why would he show regret?
Gillian on the other hand, is able to maintain a straight face. She seems to accept the fact that I'm not going to say anything, and says, rather casually, "Six years ago, there was a case in the United Kingdom where two twins, separated at birth. They met many years later and understandably, felt some sort of attraction towards each other. They tried to get married and it was refused by the government. In the end, they ended getting married even though it wasn't annulled. It wasn't until after their wedding, that they found out they were actually fraternal twins, separated at birth and given away to different birth families. It's cases like these, it's the unique cases where siblings aren't placed together or given a form of communication to stay in touch with each other."
And at this, I knew exactly what she was implying. I was right. I was actually in a relationship with my baby brother. Guilt tears through me as I realize how many times I realized we were so similar in how we dealt with situations, and that I should have realized that something was wrong. I thought it was just because we were meant to be together for life. And we are...but in an entirely different sense. We'll grow old as brother and sister, not husband and wife. Terror shoots through me, we haven't gone to the next base, but I've been dating my younger brother for four years. No wonder he didn't want to come home to face me. How was he supposed to tell me - that he'd been dating his older sister for almost half a decade? Then a thought comes almost as fast as it comes out, and I blurt out "How'd he find out?"
Gillian takes a deep breath and says "It seems all those late nights, those ones that you found suspicious were spent at the palmister's place - reading his palm. At one point, Oedipus got so upset that he tried to kill the palmister and had all the plans in place. That's why he got a hold of the blueprints for the building, to commit the crime. But it turns out that when he got to the building, he didn't do anything. He just listened to the palmister talk about all his other patients and his personal life. When he found out a certain fact, he tested your DNA in the lab from the bandaid that you put in the garbage. That's when he found out that you two were related. That was also around the time that he disappeared."
My heart was racing even faster, as if that was even possible. I started sweating insanely, and I couldn't stop thinking about how I could have handled this situation better than I did. Instead of insisting for him to admit what was wrong (even though I knew something was wrong), I just asked him every day. That wasn't enough. That wasn't enough at all. I close my eyes in shame.
I realize that I'm still in Cal's office, so I open my eyes...and Gillian looks sorry, almost pitiful. "I'm sorry," she murmurs. I nod in recognition, and suddenly, just being in the Lightman Group Office is too much. Gillian seems to realize and says "We'll try to focus on finding Oedipus now - we'll call you if we find anything." She has a security guard walk me out.
Truth is, I don't know how to control all these emotions. There's hate, anger, resentment and confusion in my birth parents and why they even had 2 children, gave us both away, and walked away as if it was nothing. There's regret of even trying to find the truth, but a twinge of happiness now that I know it. There's sadness and disappointment about Oedipus and why he didn't tell me what was going on even though he was stuck between a roc and a hard place. And then there's my stupidity in not finding out sooner. I should have made these connections but I was too lovestruck by him - and now, I can't even tell the difference between girlfriend-boyfriend love and brotherly-sisterly love.
I don't know what I would do if I saw him. Would it just be pure awkwardness? I don't know how to live without Oedipus having my back, and I'd like to think that the feeling is mutual. I don't know what this life is. I really, really, really don't.
I was a wreck after giving my baby up for adoption...Oedipus was the one person who brought me back to earth and made me realize that life was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was. There are some people living the life where they barely get food and water; many kids die from starvation. I knew I didn't have it nearly as bad, but I also have no one to talk, no one to spill to.
The Olympians. I got back a long time ago, but I've just been way too perplexed to do anything. I haven't eaten, haven't showered, haven't done anything. I'm just shocked.
Gillian sat me down, provided me with all these amazing teas and coffees and whatnot, but I had enough of the formality. I had to know why they wanted me to come. It would have been something important otherwise they would have told me over the phone. But it had to be important and breakthrough-enough that they want to avoid the topic and tell me the truth at the same time. I remember the agony and the anxiety I felt if they said that they found his body, or that he committed suicide. So I wasn't prepared for the questions that they asked today.
"Do you have any siblings?"
How the hell is that related to Oedipus? Suddenly, I'm angry..I don't even remember my life before grade 2...it was the last day of school in grade 2 when I was hit by a car. I was waiting, patiently at the pedestrian crossing, and when it turned to "walk", I started walking. From what I understand, the car was turning right...and even though they tried to stop in time, it wasn't fast enough. I was rushed to the hospital where I spent a month and a half in a coma. My skull was cracked, so they had to open it, and perform surgery - strengthening the skull with a metal rod. Yes, I have a metal rod on my head...but I still didn't know what the hell this had to do with Oedipus. I was getting super annoyed by now but they kept trying to dig deeper in my history. I don't know why it's even important.
Cal and Gillian exchanged a glance, and then Gillian sat right beside me. Like she was trying to console me. I'd never been a fan of physical contact, not unless it was with Oedipus. I nearly shrank away. But even though the last question was bad, I wasn't prepared...at all for the next sentence.
"You had a brother, a younger brother 4 years after you were born, you have a baby brother!"
My heart started racing at the statement. How could I? Have a younger brother?? I had a younger brother - someone in my family that I hadn't met yet? This is madness! This isn't possible! I've been getting some memories back in snippets, like getting bullied at the orphanage or seeing faces of adoption parents, but I don't remember my entire story. I couldn't connect the dots...but I had a brother - a brother of the same blood type that was 4 years younger, and also had to go through the orphanage. I started asking where I could find him. I would do anything to meet someone related to me. I have Oedipus, but I don't even know where he is and whether he'll even come back to me.
It was at this moment that the lightbulb started flashing and I thought...Oedipus is also 4 years younger than I am. Or so we thought. We never really knew, but..no. That's not possible, I can't be in a relationship with my baby brother! I'd have dreams as a kid of having a baby sister or a baby brother, what's the possibility that something like that actually occurred? Here and now? I don't know what to do--but wait. I'm thinking way ahead of myself right now. WAAAYYY ahead. I should wait for Gililan or Cal to say something....and I turn my head to look up at them, and I realize that I'm looking up at the ceiling.
Wait what? How is it possible that if I look around, my eyes are on the ceiling. I start getting up, but Gillian pushes me back down lightly. I look around and there's just a whole bunch of people around me. I must have fainted. Oh my god, that's so embarrassing. "Don't worry, you're not the first..." Cal says, and I realize that must have been directed to me. He must be doing his whole face-reading thing. "Are you alright?" asks Gillian. Truth is, I don't know whether I'm alright. I don't know how to deal with Oedipus leaving me and not talking to me, he was the love and prime of my life for four years, and then finding out that I have a baby brother, it's just all too overwhelming. I get the feeling that they have an idea of what I'm going to say, but I don't know how to voice it in words....but everyone's around me, people I haven't even met before. They must be (slightly) trustworthy, but I don't know that for sure...
"Torres, Loker - thanks for all your help." says Gillian, seeing my discomfort. "We'll debrief in the conference room in an hour."
Once they're gone, I feel a little more at ease..but I still don't really know how to form my thoughts into words. Cal seems to be off to the side looking...thoughtful, but there's a hint of something else on his face. I can't really read emotions that well, but after with an abusive family, I learned a little bit about reading facial expressions. There seems to be a mix of...regret or something on his face. Regret? Why would he show regret?
Gillian on the other hand, is able to maintain a straight face. She seems to accept the fact that I'm not going to say anything, and says, rather casually, "Six years ago, there was a case in the United Kingdom where two twins, separated at birth. They met many years later and understandably, felt some sort of attraction towards each other. They tried to get married and it was refused by the government. In the end, they ended getting married even though it wasn't annulled. It wasn't until after their wedding, that they found out they were actually fraternal twins, separated at birth and given away to different birth families. It's cases like these, it's the unique cases where siblings aren't placed together or given a form of communication to stay in touch with each other."
And at this, I knew exactly what she was implying. I was right. I was actually in a relationship with my baby brother. Guilt tears through me as I realize how many times I realized we were so similar in how we dealt with situations, and that I should have realized that something was wrong. I thought it was just because we were meant to be together for life. And we are...but in an entirely different sense. We'll grow old as brother and sister, not husband and wife. Terror shoots through me, we haven't gone to the next base, but I've been dating my younger brother for four years. No wonder he didn't want to come home to face me. How was he supposed to tell me - that he'd been dating his older sister for almost half a decade? Then a thought comes almost as fast as it comes out, and I blurt out "How'd he find out?"
Gillian takes a deep breath and says "It seems all those late nights, those ones that you found suspicious were spent at the palmister's place - reading his palm. At one point, Oedipus got so upset that he tried to kill the palmister and had all the plans in place. That's why he got a hold of the blueprints for the building, to commit the crime. But it turns out that when he got to the building, he didn't do anything. He just listened to the palmister talk about all his other patients and his personal life. When he found out a certain fact, he tested your DNA in the lab from the bandaid that you put in the garbage. That's when he found out that you two were related. That was also around the time that he disappeared."
My heart was racing even faster, as if that was even possible. I started sweating insanely, and I couldn't stop thinking about how I could have handled this situation better than I did. Instead of insisting for him to admit what was wrong (even though I knew something was wrong), I just asked him every day. That wasn't enough. That wasn't enough at all. I close my eyes in shame.
I realize that I'm still in Cal's office, so I open my eyes...and Gillian looks sorry, almost pitiful. "I'm sorry," she murmurs. I nod in recognition, and suddenly, just being in the Lightman Group Office is too much. Gillian seems to realize and says "We'll try to focus on finding Oedipus now - we'll call you if we find anything." She has a security guard walk me out.
Truth is, I don't know how to control all these emotions. There's hate, anger, resentment and confusion in my birth parents and why they even had 2 children, gave us both away, and walked away as if it was nothing. There's regret of even trying to find the truth, but a twinge of happiness now that I know it. There's sadness and disappointment about Oedipus and why he didn't tell me what was going on even though he was stuck between a roc and a hard place. And then there's my stupidity in not finding out sooner. I should have made these connections but I was too lovestruck by him - and now, I can't even tell the difference between girlfriend-boyfriend love and brotherly-sisterly love.
I don't know what I would do if I saw him. Would it just be pure awkwardness? I don't know how to live without Oedipus having my back, and I'd like to think that the feeling is mutual. I don't know what this life is. I really, really, really don't.
I was a wreck after giving my baby up for adoption...Oedipus was the one person who brought me back to earth and made me realize that life was nowhere near as bad as I thought it was. There are some people living the life where they barely get food and water; many kids die from starvation. I knew I didn't have it nearly as bad, but I also have no one to talk, no one to spill to.
Group Site
So it turns out that a family group had booked that campsite. I was going to pack up and leave, but they didn't let me, strangely enough. I thought that they would, but they actually invited me to stay. It was late though, I don't really know what time, but sure was cold. We had the fire going and was making s'mores, but it was still cold for autumn camping. We ended getting pretty deep in conversation, and we learned a lot about each other. I wasn't quite willing to open myself up, but seeing everyone in the family spilling their life to the stranger was enlightening. I didn't tell them that I dated my sister - that was a little deep (or tried to kill my father), but I did tell them my story about hitchhiking. They were nice enough to not ask me questions about why I left, I think they knew it was a touchy topic.
When we finally went to sleep, I was slightly nervous because I hadn't been in the presence of nice Homo Sapiens for a while. Part of me wondered what their ultimate goal, so I went to sleep with my Swiss Knife in hand. That way, if they were ever in trouble or they were threatening me, I could defend myself with more than just a stick.
The next morning, I woke up, and they were still asleep. I started a fire and started cooking oatmeal for breakfast. Eventually, they woke up, and we had a meal around the fire. They said that they booked the site for 4 more nights and were planning to go hiking on some of the trails before heading home. They invited me to stay with them. I was taken aback by the openness of some people - truck drivers were willing to transport me from one place to another, but hiking and living with a family of 8 was absolutely mind-blowing and new to me. I was willing to maintain the friendship and closeness with the family, even though my purpose was to go home. Part of me had hoped that if I got to know them well though, that they would take me home with them and drop me off in Toronto. They lived in Mississauga, so distance wise, it's a lot closer than Tobermory. It doesn't take that long to walk from Kipling to Runnymede, so the walk from the outskirts to Downtown Toronto wouldn't be nearly as hefty as the Bruce Trail...
I have a feeling I'm feeling a little too hopeful, but I'm okay with that. I like the feeling of hope.
When we finally went to sleep, I was slightly nervous because I hadn't been in the presence of nice Homo Sapiens for a while. Part of me wondered what their ultimate goal, so I went to sleep with my Swiss Knife in hand. That way, if they were ever in trouble or they were threatening me, I could defend myself with more than just a stick.
The next morning, I woke up, and they were still asleep. I started a fire and started cooking oatmeal for breakfast. Eventually, they woke up, and we had a meal around the fire. They said that they booked the site for 4 more nights and were planning to go hiking on some of the trails before heading home. They invited me to stay with them. I was taken aback by the openness of some people - truck drivers were willing to transport me from one place to another, but hiking and living with a family of 8 was absolutely mind-blowing and new to me. I was willing to maintain the friendship and closeness with the family, even though my purpose was to go home. Part of me had hoped that if I got to know them well though, that they would take me home with them and drop me off in Toronto. They lived in Mississauga, so distance wise, it's a lot closer than Tobermory. It doesn't take that long to walk from Kipling to Runnymede, so the walk from the outskirts to Downtown Toronto wouldn't be nearly as hefty as the Bruce Trail...
I have a feeling I'm feeling a little too hopeful, but I'm okay with that. I like the feeling of hope.
Hope
I just got a call from Gillian to meet her at her office. I couldn't really tell her tone of voice, but it definitely didn't sound like it was good news. I could have drove, but I knew I was way too emotional to do anything correctly and that the bus would take way too long.
Obviously, I haven't known Gillian for that long, but if she's frantic, either something is really good or something is just horribly bad. I don't know which I'm hoping for. Of course, I'm hoping for good luck, but I still don't really know. I have no idea what to do and how to control my emotions, so I hope writing in this helps...
Obviously, I haven't known Gillian for that long, but if she's frantic, either something is really good or something is just horribly bad. I don't know which I'm hoping for. Of course, I'm hoping for good luck, but I still don't really know. I have no idea what to do and how to control my emotions, so I hope writing in this helps...
Tuesday, 2 September 2014
Stupid Brains, Stupid Trains
So it turned out that that train that I got on, didn't stop in Toronto. It was a one-way from Edmonton to Sudbury - it stopped there. I grabbed a hitchhike from Sudbury to Manitoulin Island, which is kind of the wrong-way I want to go. But I can find my way from Tobermory easier than I can from Sudbury.
I found just enough cash in my pockets to buy a ticket from Manitoulin Island to Tobermory. From Tobermory, it was rather hard to find someone to pick me up just because it's such a residential area. There are many scuba-divers and hikers in the area. It was then, that I realized, carrying all my camping equipment, that even though it would take a long time, I couldn't afford to bus back, that I could hike the Bruce Trail back. It would take many many weeks, but at least I would be able to make it home.
The Bruce Trail goes from Tobermory to Hamilton to Toronto, and even past Toronto into the Scarborough Bluffs. I'm currently in Lions Head at a group campsite, it's dark and it doesn't look like anyone is coming even though someone clearly booked the site. There are also some bear proof garbage cans here, so I'm rather adamant about opening the canned food, we'll see how it goes. I'm not hungry yet...but I can feel the sleepiness of hiking overtaking me. Good night.
Monday, 1 September 2014
Cash
I hardly have any cash on me and I can't afford to withdraw money from the bank account without Jocasta finding out that I'm out and about. I still haven't planned how I'm going to greet her, but I know that I want to see her. I hope her feelings are mutual considering I left without even telling her.
I would always get away with getting on trains unnoticed, just show my ticket stub and pass it on. It worked this time too. I didn't even buy a new ticket stub from my trip two weeks ago. At that time, I went from Toronto to Winnipeg because those train tickets were on sale. I hitchhiked over to the Canadian Rockies, which was a little sketchy, but at the same time, was nice to find some nice drivers on the roads. I showed this man the old ticket stub, and he didn't even take a second look at the date stamp!
Anyways, I'll write when I get back in Toronto. I still have to think about how I'm going to approach Jocasta.
I would always get away with getting on trains unnoticed, just show my ticket stub and pass it on. It worked this time too. I didn't even buy a new ticket stub from my trip two weeks ago. At that time, I went from Toronto to Winnipeg because those train tickets were on sale. I hitchhiked over to the Canadian Rockies, which was a little sketchy, but at the same time, was nice to find some nice drivers on the roads. I showed this man the old ticket stub, and he didn't even take a second look at the date stamp!
Anyways, I'll write when I get back in Toronto. I still have to think about how I'm going to approach Jocasta.
Heading Back
I know it took me a long time to get to the Rockies, it took me almost 5 days with a combination of hitchhikes and using the small amount of cash I have to board trains, but I think I'm going to head back to Toronto now. It's going to be awfully awkward talking to Jocasta, but I think we can get past the awkwardness. I need to know that she has my back, and I can't imagine how she's doing after almost a month of no contact. I couldn't do anything about it because I purposely didn't bring my phone. I thought I could live my life without the people that were originally there, but clearly not. Jocasta had such a large effect on why I lived life and how I did. I miss her, even though I'm not willing to admit it. I do. I really do.
Saturday, 30 August 2014
Oh gods.
My god. Cal and Gillian finally found out the prophecy that Oedipus got, and it's an absolutely terrifying thought. No wonder he left or he did-whatever-he-did because I don't know how I would react. I often think about what I'm going to do in the future, but this time, I can't even imagine how I would react. What my reaction would even be.
Gosh, the prophecy part. He was told that he was going to marry his sister and murder his father...part of me says that it's not possible and it's not true just because I don't believe in prophecies. But neither does Oedipus, and there's almost no doubt that he took it to heart. Makes me wonder whether it means something, whether it's too much to ask to ask him to come back and ignore the prophecy.
But he clearly thought it was important or he thought it was true before leaving which scares me even more. He's spent over $500 on this palmister, it could just be a scheme. But so far, it's the only pathway that Cal and Gillian know of, so they're going to follow it and see where they end up.
We've been over prophecies together too, I'm not even sure why he would take this one to heart. But, he must have said something convincing. It almost reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, how convincing he was when he wanted something, but a lot of people have that kind of "trick." I'll never have it, but I think Oedipus has a bit of it...
We'll see how it turns out, I still don't fully believe that the palmister was telling the truth and Oedipus was acting out of his own free will. He had to have had a reason to leave, a reason to avoid me.
I know the feeling so well, when I was a senior in high school, I was with my boyfriend, and we did it for the first time. We only ever did it once, so we never talked about it. But after about a month, I started getting sick. I thought it was a cold or flu, so I went to the doctor who instead, gave me a pregnancy test. It came back positive. This was by far, the most hectic time in my life. I had to choose between putting it up for adoption, abortion, or raising and keeping it as my own. I was never going to abort the pregnancy - I could never think about killing my baby. I was left with the other two options, and I was torn. I had decided that I was going to keep it, but my boyfriend at the time convinced me that if the baby was put up for adoption, chances were, it would have much more interaction with other children and be able to expand their horizons. I had been debating for a really long time, before the baby was even born. I had decided, it would be way too hard to go to the adoption centre with my boyfriend because I would keep thinking back...so I would give birth to my son or daughter, spend a night with him or her, and then the next day, bring it to the adoption centre - without my boyfriend around. I just thought that it would be a lot easier for me to do it without him - and for him, a lot easier to not see his son or daughter and then have doubts. He was more of that kind of person - convincing, but much more doubtful in the middle of the act. I wanted to protect him, but that backfired, and he left me. He didn't even say anything, he just packed all of his stuff and left. I never saw him after that. Part of me thinks that it's my fault and that I did something wrong, and I know I did. But the other part of me wanted to find out what it felt like to not be tied down to someone - having the responsibility of looking after a kid and having to go home to a boyfriend. It wasn't that I didn't love him, I did - but sometimes, we spent a bit too much time together. The other part of me tells me that I was just an idiot, and if we had both brought it to the adoption centre together, it would have been much better. And that if we both changed our minds, so be it. We would grow up with a baby boy between us and we might have grown a lot closer rather than just walking out on each other and throwing away the four years as if they were nothing. That's by biggest regret in life, but I don't think that's even related
What I meant to say, is that I understand the feelings that Oedipus is going through - the idea of protecting themselves and the people they love from themselves. They think that something is wrong with themselves, and so they act on it, and they try to distance themselves. I did that, and it took me years to get back. After giving up my son for adoption, I was so guilty that I gave him up and I was so guilty that my boyfriend walked out that I couldn't maintain a job and ended up living on the streets for a year and a half. It's not nearly as bad as you think it is, but there are some cold days in the park where you bundle up in everything you own, and police officers come in and say "You can't sleep there." But they don't tell you where else you can go, they just kick you out..so the minute they leave, you just start sleeping there again. You wake up the next morning, and you talk to the people that you talk to everyday. I used to hang around the hot dog shop, and if there were any leftovers, the vendor - she would give them to me. I'm still in contact with her, she's the nicest fellow I've ever met in my years.
But the key is that I've bounced back from it, I managed to find a boyfriend, and we aren't attached at the hip - we do a lot of things together but we know when enough is enough. We both know that boundary. When we want to go our separate ways or do our separate things, we can do it without being questioned by the other. We do grocery shopping together, but when it comes to clothing-shopping, or fashion-shopping, we split up. And it's not that big of a deal...some couples say that we're almost impersonal, and it's like we don't know each other. But we do know each other, we know more about each other than anybody else knows about us, and we're similar in that way. We just know that we don't have to stick together to show that love to each other.
Gosh, the prophecy part. He was told that he was going to marry his sister and murder his father...part of me says that it's not possible and it's not true just because I don't believe in prophecies. But neither does Oedipus, and there's almost no doubt that he took it to heart. Makes me wonder whether it means something, whether it's too much to ask to ask him to come back and ignore the prophecy.
But he clearly thought it was important or he thought it was true before leaving which scares me even more. He's spent over $500 on this palmister, it could just be a scheme. But so far, it's the only pathway that Cal and Gillian know of, so they're going to follow it and see where they end up.
We've been over prophecies together too, I'm not even sure why he would take this one to heart. But, he must have said something convincing. It almost reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, how convincing he was when he wanted something, but a lot of people have that kind of "trick." I'll never have it, but I think Oedipus has a bit of it...
We'll see how it turns out, I still don't fully believe that the palmister was telling the truth and Oedipus was acting out of his own free will. He had to have had a reason to leave, a reason to avoid me.
I know the feeling so well, when I was a senior in high school, I was with my boyfriend, and we did it for the first time. We only ever did it once, so we never talked about it. But after about a month, I started getting sick. I thought it was a cold or flu, so I went to the doctor who instead, gave me a pregnancy test. It came back positive. This was by far, the most hectic time in my life. I had to choose between putting it up for adoption, abortion, or raising and keeping it as my own. I was never going to abort the pregnancy - I could never think about killing my baby. I was left with the other two options, and I was torn. I had decided that I was going to keep it, but my boyfriend at the time convinced me that if the baby was put up for adoption, chances were, it would have much more interaction with other children and be able to expand their horizons. I had been debating for a really long time, before the baby was even born. I had decided, it would be way too hard to go to the adoption centre with my boyfriend because I would keep thinking back...so I would give birth to my son or daughter, spend a night with him or her, and then the next day, bring it to the adoption centre - without my boyfriend around. I just thought that it would be a lot easier for me to do it without him - and for him, a lot easier to not see his son or daughter and then have doubts. He was more of that kind of person - convincing, but much more doubtful in the middle of the act. I wanted to protect him, but that backfired, and he left me. He didn't even say anything, he just packed all of his stuff and left. I never saw him after that. Part of me thinks that it's my fault and that I did something wrong, and I know I did. But the other part of me wanted to find out what it felt like to not be tied down to someone - having the responsibility of looking after a kid and having to go home to a boyfriend. It wasn't that I didn't love him, I did - but sometimes, we spent a bit too much time together. The other part of me tells me that I was just an idiot, and if we had both brought it to the adoption centre together, it would have been much better. And that if we both changed our minds, so be it. We would grow up with a baby boy between us and we might have grown a lot closer rather than just walking out on each other and throwing away the four years as if they were nothing. That's by biggest regret in life, but I don't think that's even related
What I meant to say, is that I understand the feelings that Oedipus is going through - the idea of protecting themselves and the people they love from themselves. They think that something is wrong with themselves, and so they act on it, and they try to distance themselves. I did that, and it took me years to get back. After giving up my son for adoption, I was so guilty that I gave him up and I was so guilty that my boyfriend walked out that I couldn't maintain a job and ended up living on the streets for a year and a half. It's not nearly as bad as you think it is, but there are some cold days in the park where you bundle up in everything you own, and police officers come in and say "You can't sleep there." But they don't tell you where else you can go, they just kick you out..so the minute they leave, you just start sleeping there again. You wake up the next morning, and you talk to the people that you talk to everyday. I used to hang around the hot dog shop, and if there were any leftovers, the vendor - she would give them to me. I'm still in contact with her, she's the nicest fellow I've ever met in my years.
But the key is that I've bounced back from it, I managed to find a boyfriend, and we aren't attached at the hip - we do a lot of things together but we know when enough is enough. We both know that boundary. When we want to go our separate ways or do our separate things, we can do it without being questioned by the other. We do grocery shopping together, but when it comes to clothing-shopping, or fashion-shopping, we split up. And it's not that big of a deal...some couples say that we're almost impersonal, and it's like we don't know each other. But we do know each other, we know more about each other than anybody else knows about us, and we're similar in that way. We just know that we don't have to stick together to show that love to each other.
Friday, 29 August 2014
Peaceful Blissfulness
It's who-knows how many months later, I didn't bother bringing a watch or anything that can keep track of time when I left. I'd rather not know.
I just can't believe that Jocasta is actually my [older] sister. How did I not notice that before? Scientists know that they're attracted to people who think alike, and we were so alike. We were able to live together but independently, and somehow, I couldn't keep my side. Had I just given up the research in the stupid lab on her DNA, I would have never known and I never would have to find out. Then we wouldn't even be in this trouble. It was just all my fault.
I'm in the mountains, now. I don't know where else to go, I just always found the mountainside relaxing. But that relaxation is really not getting to me right now. It should, but it isn't. Not even in the slightest.
I've always thought that Jocasta was someone who I could talk to all the time. I never thought that she would betray me like that, but she didn't betray me. She just had absolutely no idea. Arguably, neither did I, but that doesn't make this whole situation okay. Nothing makes it okay...it just can't be "alright" any more. I don't even know how my relationship with Jocasta will be if I go home. She was always just the one person who understood things that were going on in my life. She was the one person who always understood. We'll see how it goes.....I'm off to bed now. I don't know what time it is, but it's getting dark and I'm getting sleepy.
And my mind keeps wandering back to the palmister, did he mean it? Was he suggesting something? I'm almost very sure it was, but I can't be sure - I can't be sure at all. I'm never sure when it comes to these kinds of things...part of me knows that the palmister wouldn't suggest something like that if he knew something. But the other part of me knows that he might not be all that trustworthy cause I haven't exactly known him that long. I don't know..
Maybe it doesn't even matter - since I've put my old life behind. I'm here - in the mountains, just peaceful and relaxing.
I don't know whether I'll go back. I don't know whether it will be days, months or years before I head back, but I'm not ready to face Jocasta or the palmister - not yet.
Night/Morning.
And my mind keeps wandering back to the palmister, did he mean it? Was he suggesting something? I'm almost very sure it was, but I can't be sure - I can't be sure at all. I'm never sure when it comes to these kinds of things...part of me knows that the palmister wouldn't suggest something like that if he knew something. But the other part of me knows that he might not be all that trustworthy cause I haven't exactly known him that long. I don't know..
Maybe it doesn't even matter - since I've put my old life behind. I'm here - in the mountains, just peaceful and relaxing.
I don't know whether I'll go back. I don't know whether it will be days, months or years before I head back, but I'm not ready to face Jocasta or the palmister - not yet.
Night/Morning.
Thursday, 21 August 2014
Phew!
Me, Myself, and I:
So the Lightman Group did a little bit more digging into the building and the residents he could have visited. Earlier, they narrowed it down to the one unit, where they thought Oedipus was having an affair. But it's nothing even remotely related to that - the girl's father is a palm reader. I think they're called palmisters (or something along the sort), and they're supposed to be able to predict someone's future. I don't really know why Oedipus would have gone to a palmister, being a scientist and all. In the past, if there was ever a problem, he would turn to science - because he was that kind of person. Oedipus turning to a palmister for help or for advice is just so strange!
Either way, I'm happy I denied his involvement with another woman, because even though our relationship isn't that great, I am convinced that nothing of that sort would have taken place. Somehow, it's a lot less concerning that he was visiting a palmister rather than a woman, even though I'd like to find his reasoning behind visiting a palmister in the first place.
With all these interesting that Oedipus is doing, it makes me wonder whether it was something the palmister said that made him so angry and run away. Part of me says that it isn't like him to just walk out of the room - I just don't think he would do some kind of thing. The other part of me tells me that just as I am, we both act on our emotions. And if he was annoyed or angry or upset about something that was said, he would take it to heart - just as I would.
Cal and Gillian said that they would push the palmister for her prophet that she told him, so I'm hoping to get some kind of perspective soon.
- Jocasta
So the Lightman Group did a little bit more digging into the building and the residents he could have visited. Earlier, they narrowed it down to the one unit, where they thought Oedipus was having an affair. But it's nothing even remotely related to that - the girl's father is a palm reader. I think they're called palmisters (or something along the sort), and they're supposed to be able to predict someone's future. I don't really know why Oedipus would have gone to a palmister, being a scientist and all. In the past, if there was ever a problem, he would turn to science - because he was that kind of person. Oedipus turning to a palmister for help or for advice is just so strange!
Either way, I'm happy I denied his involvement with another woman, because even though our relationship isn't that great, I am convinced that nothing of that sort would have taken place. Somehow, it's a lot less concerning that he was visiting a palmister rather than a woman, even though I'd like to find his reasoning behind visiting a palmister in the first place.
With all these interesting that Oedipus is doing, it makes me wonder whether it was something the palmister said that made him so angry and run away. Part of me says that it isn't like him to just walk out of the room - I just don't think he would do some kind of thing. The other part of me tells me that just as I am, we both act on our emotions. And if he was annoyed or angry or upset about something that was said, he would take it to heart - just as I would.
Cal and Gillian said that they would push the palmister for her prophet that she told him, so I'm hoping to get some kind of perspective soon.
- Jocasta
Sunday, 17 August 2014
Really?
Me, Myself, and I:
I've found out why Oedipus was out on Friday nights...he went to the building, the one that he got the blueprints for - over and over. Cal thinks he might have been visiting one of the young ladies there. Cal thinks that Oedipus was having an affair. My god, as if this couldn't get any worse!
I can't believe that Oedipus would do this kind of thing to me. I thought I was a "loyal"-enough wife that he wouldn't go searching for another person. I'm almost taken aback that he would feel the need to find someone else. Part of me doesn't believe it. I want to see it from him - see pictures of him with this girl, and then maybe - just maybe, I'll fully believe it. Even if there are pictures, there could a thousand more reasons. I want Oedipus so say it to my face, if it's actually true. I'm in denial.
But on the same hand, maybe he was there...not because he was...doing things with her, maybe her home business is there? Or maybe he was visiting her father? I just don' think Oedipus would do something like that, not to me. I thought I could trust him - I know I can trust him, I don't think it's even remotely possible that this could have been him. I respect him far too much that I can't put this past him. I just don't believe it!
We'll see how it plays out.
- Jocasta
I've found out why Oedipus was out on Friday nights...he went to the building, the one that he got the blueprints for - over and over. Cal thinks he might have been visiting one of the young ladies there. Cal thinks that Oedipus was having an affair. My god, as if this couldn't get any worse!
I can't believe that Oedipus would do this kind of thing to me. I thought I was a "loyal"-enough wife that he wouldn't go searching for another person. I'm almost taken aback that he would feel the need to find someone else. Part of me doesn't believe it. I want to see it from him - see pictures of him with this girl, and then maybe - just maybe, I'll fully believe it. Even if there are pictures, there could a thousand more reasons. I want Oedipus so say it to my face, if it's actually true. I'm in denial.
But on the same hand, maybe he was there...not because he was...doing things with her, maybe her home business is there? Or maybe he was visiting her father? I just don' think Oedipus would do something like that, not to me. I thought I could trust him - I know I can trust him, I don't think it's even remotely possible that this could have been him. I respect him far too much that I can't put this past him. I just don't believe it!
We'll see how it plays out.
- Jocasta
Wednesday, 13 August 2014
The Not-So-Quick Interview
I shouldn't be saying this, but I'm sick of having no one to talk to, it's just not how I want to live my life.
Anyway, Cal and Gillian started talking with me today and asking me questions. The typical like:
"Was there anything wrong with your relationship?"
"How was your relationship with each other in the last 6 months? Last year?"
These were by far, the hardest questions I've had to answer. Because the one part of me just wants to shut everything down and tell them that it's perfectly fine, and to handle things myself. But the last time I tried that, it did not go well. I realize that they're waiting for my answer and with the pressure and the anger and resentment from the past few months, I couldn't handle it anymore. I broke down in front of them, making me look like a weak-ass, but at the time, I couldn't care less. They caught onto my emotions before the tear even slipped out, and them everything that had happened between Oedipus and I the entire time. I just don't know what else to say; that we were a perfect couple in the beginning, and then suddenly, very suddenly, we just stopped.
They told me that they had found some blueprints and some plans of a building on Queen Street in Downtown Toronto, but I had no idea what those were for. They weren't willing to tell me either, and I pushed them to tell me what the matter was, and they did end up telling me. They told me that they suspect it was for a robbery or some kind of crime. I was absolutely horrified. That's nothing like Oedipus - I know, for a fact, that if he was in the right mind, he would never kill anybody! I'm not even half joking anymore, I just...I can't see him as the same person anymore, because I know that he couldn't have gotten away or even done anything like that.
Maybe that's why he didn't go home? But the Lightman Group talked to the police and they said that there hasn't been any reported burglaries or anything of the nature, so I don't think it has something to do with that, but the fact that he even had those blueprints is absolutely mind-blowing. I thought he would talk to me about it - but he must have had a good reason for it. It has to be the reason for everything, he just must have had a really good reason for the different things that he's done. When the Lightman Group finds him, I hope he's wiling to talk to me and tell me what triggered all of this.
- Jocasta
Anyway, Cal and Gillian started talking with me today and asking me questions. The typical like:
"Was there anything wrong with your relationship?"
"How was your relationship with each other in the last 6 months? Last year?"
These were by far, the hardest questions I've had to answer. Because the one part of me just wants to shut everything down and tell them that it's perfectly fine, and to handle things myself. But the last time I tried that, it did not go well. I realize that they're waiting for my answer and with the pressure and the anger and resentment from the past few months, I couldn't handle it anymore. I broke down in front of them, making me look like a weak-ass, but at the time, I couldn't care less. They caught onto my emotions before the tear even slipped out, and them everything that had happened between Oedipus and I the entire time. I just don't know what else to say; that we were a perfect couple in the beginning, and then suddenly, very suddenly, we just stopped.
They told me that they had found some blueprints and some plans of a building on Queen Street in Downtown Toronto, but I had no idea what those were for. They weren't willing to tell me either, and I pushed them to tell me what the matter was, and they did end up telling me. They told me that they suspect it was for a robbery or some kind of crime. I was absolutely horrified. That's nothing like Oedipus - I know, for a fact, that if he was in the right mind, he would never kill anybody! I'm not even half joking anymore, I just...I can't see him as the same person anymore, because I know that he couldn't have gotten away or even done anything like that.
Maybe that's why he didn't go home? But the Lightman Group talked to the police and they said that there hasn't been any reported burglaries or anything of the nature, so I don't think it has something to do with that, but the fact that he even had those blueprints is absolutely mind-blowing. I thought he would talk to me about it - but he must have had a good reason for it. It has to be the reason for everything, he just must have had a really good reason for the different things that he's done. When the Lightman Group finds him, I hope he's wiling to talk to me and tell me what triggered all of this.
- Jocasta
Friday, 1 August 2014
Lightman Group
Me, Myself, and I:
I filed a police report...but nothing turned up. I don't blame them, the police don't have much to go on because they know that someone is missing, but they don't have any background information or any clues that may lead to why he left.
I've heard from some friends about an organization - Lightman Group. I met with them this morning, and they were more than wiling to help me find my boyfriend. For those of you who don't know who the Lightman Group is and what they do, they look at facial expressions and emotions to try to determine whether you are telling the truth. Within a split second, they can determine anger, surprise, fear, guilt, and so many other emotions. They have been known for doing an amazing job and I have faith that they will find Oedipus, or at least find the truth of why he left.
I don't think I'm allowed to update anyone on the investigation, but..I mean, you're a diary. As long as no one gets their hands on you, it really doesn't matter. Actually, I don't really care if anyone gets their hands on you because they can't charge me for writing something down in paper.
- Jocasta
I filed a police report...but nothing turned up. I don't blame them, the police don't have much to go on because they know that someone is missing, but they don't have any background information or any clues that may lead to why he left.
I've heard from some friends about an organization - Lightman Group. I met with them this morning, and they were more than wiling to help me find my boyfriend. For those of you who don't know who the Lightman Group is and what they do, they look at facial expressions and emotions to try to determine whether you are telling the truth. Within a split second, they can determine anger, surprise, fear, guilt, and so many other emotions. They have been known for doing an amazing job and I have faith that they will find Oedipus, or at least find the truth of why he left.
I don't think I'm allowed to update anyone on the investigation, but..I mean, you're a diary. As long as no one gets their hands on you, it really doesn't matter. Actually, I don't really care if anyone gets their hands on you because they can't charge me for writing something down in paper.
- Jocasta
Monday, 28 July 2014
HELP!
Me, Myself, and I:
It's been three days since his disappearance, and he still hasn't contacted me. And even though I have absolutely no idea what to do, I'm going to report him missing to the police. His phone must either be dead - or he turned it off, I have absolutely no idea. But either way, something is wrong and I can't just sit back and do nothing.
- Jocasta
It's been three days since his disappearance, and he still hasn't contacted me. And even though I have absolutely no idea what to do, I'm going to report him missing to the police. His phone must either be dead - or he turned it off, I have absolutely no idea. But either way, something is wrong and I can't just sit back and do nothing.
- Jocasta
Friday, 25 July 2014
Anything?
Me, Myself, and I:
I'm not sure where Oedipus has gone, and he didn't come home last night. Usually, he texts or he calls to let me know that he'll be gone or that he'll be coming in late, but he didn't even say anything this time. I'm slightly worried, especially considering his well-being...he's not all that stable right now. He isn't willing to open up to anybody, and so I have absolutely no idea what to do because he's been missing for so long.
I'm going to keep calling his phone...I don't know what else to do.
- Jocasta
I'm not sure where Oedipus has gone, and he didn't come home last night. Usually, he texts or he calls to let me know that he'll be gone or that he'll be coming in late, but he didn't even say anything this time. I'm slightly worried, especially considering his well-being...he's not all that stable right now. He isn't willing to open up to anybody, and so I have absolutely no idea what to do because he's been missing for so long.
I'm going to keep calling his phone...I don't know what else to do.
- Jocasta
Thursday, 24 July 2014
Updating, updates, bleh.
My gods, my life is an insane wreck right now. The palmistry reading still haven't changed after all this time, and not that it's so much as a "bad" thing, but I really truly think that it may have some truth to it and that's scaring the hell out of me.
Okay...truth......as I said before, I'm a scientist and I work in a lab, so I have access to all the different technologies where you can isolate DNA and all that. You're not supposed to use it for personal purposes, of course. It's a lab..but a lot of my colleagues have done it for their friends. I know that I could get away with that kind of thing because our supervisor is so "laissez-faire." I've been debating for a while what I should do with Jocasta. I still don't know because first, I have to find out whether the prophecy is true. I...I did that to Jocasta's blood. She recently got a rather deep cut when she went rock climbing, so..OH GODS WHAT HAVE I DONE?! I took it and checked it for DNA.
The result is even more than revolting. We're actually siblings! With the same mother and father! We're full blood siblings. Part of me doesn't believe this at all. I don't know what else to say but that I don't believe in the beginning.
And then the science part of me kicks in and kicks me in the butt. If it's backed up by science, I can't say that it's impossible. In fact it's far from that. If it's backed up by science, then it's entirely, entirely possibly true. It's a terrifying thought!
But now I'm thinking, if she doesn't know, is that a really big problem? Like is that even a problem if she doesn't know, and I can hide the fact away. Because the truth is, being with her, it's the first time in my life that I felt like I belong. Like I really belong with someone. But I don't know whether that kind of love is motherly love or you know..husband-wife love, cause I've never experienced either. I don't know whether she has either, we don't talk about the past much, we just stay in the present and are content in each other's company.
We're not like other couples who's first instinct is to have fuck up to get together, and we're not so much physical. We're provide mental stability (and sometimes, instability) for each other for someone to turn to and someone to talk to. And I love what we had. It's unique. And I can't just give up 4 years of my life knowing this information, but at the same time, I don't know what I can do.
I suppose I can just slowly distance myself longer and longer and longer....but I don't know whether that's the best choice either.
Okay...truth......as I said before, I'm a scientist and I work in a lab, so I have access to all the different technologies where you can isolate DNA and all that. You're not supposed to use it for personal purposes, of course. It's a lab..but a lot of my colleagues have done it for their friends. I know that I could get away with that kind of thing because our supervisor is so "laissez-faire." I've been debating for a while what I should do with Jocasta. I still don't know because first, I have to find out whether the prophecy is true. I...I did that to Jocasta's blood. She recently got a rather deep cut when she went rock climbing, so..OH GODS WHAT HAVE I DONE?! I took it and checked it for DNA.
|
Pros
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Cons
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|
Finding Out the Truth
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Finding out the truth
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If false, knowing that the palmister has absolutely no idea what he's talking about
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If true, losing her forever.
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If false, I can make up for the last months that I've been an idiot
| If true, awkwardness even if we keep contact. |
The result is even more than revolting. We're actually siblings! With the same mother and father! We're full blood siblings. Part of me doesn't believe this at all. I don't know what else to say but that I don't believe in the beginning.
And then the science part of me kicks in and kicks me in the butt. If it's backed up by science, I can't say that it's impossible. In fact it's far from that. If it's backed up by science, then it's entirely, entirely possibly true. It's a terrifying thought!
But now I'm thinking, if she doesn't know, is that a really big problem? Like is that even a problem if she doesn't know, and I can hide the fact away. Because the truth is, being with her, it's the first time in my life that I felt like I belong. Like I really belong with someone. But I don't know whether that kind of love is motherly love or you know..husband-wife love, cause I've never experienced either. I don't know whether she has either, we don't talk about the past much, we just stay in the present and are content in each other's company.
We're not like other couples who's first instinct is to have fuck up to get together, and we're not so much physical. We're provide mental stability (and sometimes, instability) for each other for someone to turn to and someone to talk to. And I love what we had. It's unique. And I can't just give up 4 years of my life knowing this information, but at the same time, I don't know what I can do.
I suppose I can just slowly distance myself longer and longer and longer....but I don't know whether that's the best choice either.
Friday, 30 May 2014
Understanding Life
I just went back to the palmistry a couple times in the past month..and even though prophecies are supposed to change, mine still isn't. I'm worried half to death...
Part of me tells myself that I shouldn't believe such nonsense!
I've never plotted to kill anyone except the palmister, and it's absolutely impossible that I would have ACTUALLY gone through with it. And I can't face Jocasta at home, because even though I don't think we're sister and brother - I mean, what are the chances of that actually happening? She's freaked 4 years older - but that shouldn't ever mean anything. I don't know what else to do!
Part of me tells myself that I shouldn't believe such nonsense!
I've never plotted to kill anyone except the palmister, and it's absolutely impossible that I would have ACTUALLY gone through with it. And I can't face Jocasta at home, because even though I don't think we're sister and brother - I mean, what are the chances of that actually happening? She's freaked 4 years older - but that shouldn't ever mean anything. I don't know what else to do!
Friday, 23 May 2014
Later and Later
Me, Myself, and I:
There have been some nights that Oedipus doesn't even come home, he says that he'll sleep at the office just because he has way too much work to do and that the drug breakthrough is nearly there, but he says that every night. It makes me wonder whether he actually has some kind of breakthrough, or he's seeing someone else at night just because we haven't been doing stuff that he wants, or whether he's mad at me and doesn't want to see me because I did something wrong. I don't know what's wrong, and I don't know how to solve it or what to do. I'm lost..
I've approached him about what's wrong, but he's not willing to tell me. He just says that it's work related - but even when he was developing his career, he was never so obsessed about things like that. It wasn't that bad before...I'm not sure what I can do...
Thanks,
- Jocasta
There have been some nights that Oedipus doesn't even come home, he says that he'll sleep at the office just because he has way too much work to do and that the drug breakthrough is nearly there, but he says that every night. It makes me wonder whether he actually has some kind of breakthrough, or he's seeing someone else at night just because we haven't been doing stuff that he wants, or whether he's mad at me and doesn't want to see me because I did something wrong. I don't know what's wrong, and I don't know how to solve it or what to do. I'm lost..
I've approached him about what's wrong, but he's not willing to tell me. He just says that it's work related - but even when he was developing his career, he was never so obsessed about things like that. It wasn't that bad before...I'm not sure what I can do...
Thanks,
- Jocasta
Thursday, 17 April 2014
Something's still wrong
Me, Myself, and I:
I'm still not quite sure what I can do about Oedipus, what I can do about this entire thing in general just because he still hasn't said anything. He comes home, looking like a zombie, he wakes up early, comes back late, and hardly even eats at home. I don't really know what I can do to console him, but he needs to open up.
If not to me, I wouldn't mind if he posts on this and doesn't tell anyone - or gets a psychologist and spills his life story - he just really needs to take out his bottled emotions. Maybe even like, kick-boxing or something. But he still hasn't come home, and it's nearly midnight.
That isn't like him at all. In all four years, I've never seen him so focused on his work - he used to come home, to at least be home with me for a short while. So we could talk - not usually about work, but usually about life in general, you know? I think that would be a great thing to talk about...I miss him.
Sorry for the emotional little entry, I'm trying to pretend life is normal,
- Jocasta
I'm still not quite sure what I can do about Oedipus, what I can do about this entire thing in general just because he still hasn't said anything. He comes home, looking like a zombie, he wakes up early, comes back late, and hardly even eats at home. I don't really know what I can do to console him, but he needs to open up.
If not to me, I wouldn't mind if he posts on this and doesn't tell anyone - or gets a psychologist and spills his life story - he just really needs to take out his bottled emotions. Maybe even like, kick-boxing or something. But he still hasn't come home, and it's nearly midnight.
That isn't like him at all. In all four years, I've never seen him so focused on his work - he used to come home, to at least be home with me for a short while. So we could talk - not usually about work, but usually about life in general, you know? I think that would be a great thing to talk about...I miss him.
Sorry for the emotional little entry, I'm trying to pretend life is normal,
- Jocasta
Wednesday, 2 April 2014
Worrying
Hello Everyone,
I'm not sure what's going on with Oedipus, I'm kind of getting slightly worried. Even more than the last time. I've approached him about it multiple times, and it seems like he's going to say something and then he decides against and doesn't say it. He doesn't spend as much time at home - really no time at home, and he doesn't talk about anything. We used to joke around watching movies or TV shows or things like that, but I'm just not...I don't know what to do in order to make him - well, less-like whatever he is now, or whatever he has morphed into. But I can't say that kind of thing to him - not when I know that he's going through so much. And I know that he is because he's always - constantly distracted. And I'm not even half joking about being distracted, because I've seen it all first hand.
We used to go out all the time on Friday nights too. But he's "staying at work" or always making excuses that we haven't been in ages. I don't know how to start the conversation, because it seems like another woman is in the picture. But I know that's not like him. It's not like him to have an affair, but I don't think it's up to me to decide that either.
But I trust him - trust him more than I have trusted anyone, that I won't want to pretend that everything is okay. I want to wait for him to open up to me - we always end up being okay in the end, but at the same time, I don't know how this is going to turn out. I have faith in him, otherwise I wouldn't respect him for who he is. And I do truly respect him for that. I hope he comes to his senses and tells me, some time, anytime.
Part of me is telling myself that I should push him to tell me, but I've also never been that kind of person to ask him to tell me such a thing. I feel like I shouldn't need to push someone to admit something, that's just not who I am. We've always relied on the trust and emotions even to admit the hardest of things. I can't imagine being with anyone else, where you can't admit something...and feel like you won't be judged for it. Even when he had problems with the drug, he would admit it because he knew it would be easier to get off of his chest. But now, I don't know what to do because something has to be big enough that he's channeled all his anxiety into his work. What could be wrong? If there are any ideas, please - please do tell me.
Thank you for your listening ear,
-Jocasta
I'm not sure what's going on with Oedipus, I'm kind of getting slightly worried. Even more than the last time. I've approached him about it multiple times, and it seems like he's going to say something and then he decides against and doesn't say it. He doesn't spend as much time at home - really no time at home, and he doesn't talk about anything. We used to joke around watching movies or TV shows or things like that, but I'm just not...I don't know what to do in order to make him - well, less-like whatever he is now, or whatever he has morphed into. But I can't say that kind of thing to him - not when I know that he's going through so much. And I know that he is because he's always - constantly distracted. And I'm not even half joking about being distracted, because I've seen it all first hand.
We used to go out all the time on Friday nights too. But he's "staying at work" or always making excuses that we haven't been in ages. I don't know how to start the conversation, because it seems like another woman is in the picture. But I know that's not like him. It's not like him to have an affair, but I don't think it's up to me to decide that either.
But I trust him - trust him more than I have trusted anyone, that I won't want to pretend that everything is okay. I want to wait for him to open up to me - we always end up being okay in the end, but at the same time, I don't know how this is going to turn out. I have faith in him, otherwise I wouldn't respect him for who he is. And I do truly respect him for that. I hope he comes to his senses and tells me, some time, anytime.
Part of me is telling myself that I should push him to tell me, but I've also never been that kind of person to ask him to tell me such a thing. I feel like I shouldn't need to push someone to admit something, that's just not who I am. We've always relied on the trust and emotions even to admit the hardest of things. I can't imagine being with anyone else, where you can't admit something...and feel like you won't be judged for it. Even when he had problems with the drug, he would admit it because he knew it would be easier to get off of his chest. But now, I don't know what to do because something has to be big enough that he's channeled all his anxiety into his work. What could be wrong? If there are any ideas, please - please do tell me.
Thank you for your listening ear,
-Jocasta
Thursday, 27 March 2014
Not a good idea, at all
I went back to the palmistry some time last week, and some time this week too. But in the past few weeks, he isn't even charging any fees. I wonder whether he just pities me because my prophecy isn't changing. Or whether he's just trying to be sympathetic. I hate being looked at like a kicked puppy...I'm almost embarrassed to say that I'm thinking more and more about what's taken place in the last few weeks, and oh my god...
Okay, I don't know any better way to say this but to say it outright...but I almost killed the palmister. My gods, I say that I can't believe that I would do that kind of thing. Like, who the hell am I to I turn into to turn into some idiot or some crazy insane idiot who murders people just because they provided a prophecy, something they think is true and real. Who have I become?
I'm almost embarrassed to think about my past actions, but I will have to live what I did. I have to accept what I did wrong, even though I'm too embarrassed to think about it, the scientist part of me is forcing myself.
It's the reason I haven't updated, it's the reason that I haven't updated in over a month...and the reason that the drug hasn't exactly gotten anywhere in terms of research. So...okay. One night, after the prophecy, I was feeling excessively angry - like really angry. That I started researching about old blueprints, and how you can get your hands on one. I called a guy who knew a guy (and no, I'm not telling you his name) who could help me get to these blueprints, and I was going to pay them a premium. $1000 for a single copy of paper. But when I had gotten the money, they said that the palmister had already taken care of the fee. Wait what? I accepted it just because I was so blind with hate, but I should have realized something was weird. I started planning how I could get in, starting paying more attention to location of security cameras and started staying later so I could see how hyped up security is around the area. I found out that, because the palmist lives on the second floor of some yoga studio, that it's actually not too hard to get in and out because there's so few units above, and the tenant's only concern for nothing to go missing. The old lady above the palmist is also awfully friendly about letting people in "after hours."
Anyway, so I planned all around this, and decided on a whim, that within the week, I was going to break into the palmist's suite and...oh gods. And kill him, in cold-blooded murder even though he had done nothing wrong. And I mean nothing. Like absolutely nothing wrong, just doing his job and doing what he can do make a living, and people like me - people who are scared and annoyed at their lives take it out on him. I can't get the fact, how the hell could I mess up to that extent? Who on earth would want to marry some person like that?
So I went in the next week, not even a lie. I buzzed the elderly lady above her, who was more than willing to let me in. She even suggested that I go up for a 'cuppa,' but I was just so not in the mood. Not down for some insane thing like that, not with the rage I was carrying at that time. I just kind of went "yeah" and walked up. But I had to position my knife in the perfect way that it wasn't visible from the security camera, and I wore my hat and sweater in a way that they couldn't see my face.
When I got in, I knew what I had to do and I expected all my moves. But for some reason, the palmister was literally sitting in his chair, the chair he uses when listening to patients. I tried enter slowly, but somehow, he saw right through me. He didn't even look up before saying "I know why you're here, and I know what you're trying to do, but it's a bad idea..." I was taken aback...so taken aback that I had no idea what to do. I'm about to kill a guy in cold blood, and all he can say is "I know why you're here, but I can vouch for my life so you shouldn't kill me?" Fine, I wasn't in the right frame of mind, but what the heck am I supposed to say after the fact that he knew I was going to murder him? -_- Anyway, I didn't do anything that night, I'm so glad that I came to my senses and didn't do anything stupid that night. I'm glad that he was able to talk some sense out of me. Not that I'm happy that the prophecy is still the same, but at least it wasn't the worst case scenario.
Thing is, I learned something about my family that I never wanted to learn. There's a reason why the palmister didn't charge money for the past few appointments, and there's a reason that he paid for the blueprint. He's hinted at it a few times in meetings, but I just never thought his true reason would ever come out. I'm not a hundred percent sure, but he said something about being related to me by blood. As if finding out that I'm destined to marry my sister and then murder my father, and find out that my palmister is related to me by blood, this life is insane. I shouldn't believe it - but I do. And I don't know why.
I don't realize until I leave, that he's the only person in my life that I've every thought about killing - and he's been dropping hints about being related by blood. Is it possible that he is? That he actually is? Or he's playing me? Part of me doesn't want to find out just like I didn't want to find out about Jocasta. Then part of me wonders whether he's just saying it just cause and doesn't want to expand on it, or whether he's actually truly, meaning what he's suggesting.
Okay, I don't know any better way to say this but to say it outright...but I almost killed the palmister. My gods, I say that I can't believe that I would do that kind of thing. Like, who the hell am I to I turn into to turn into some idiot or some crazy insane idiot who murders people just because they provided a prophecy, something they think is true and real. Who have I become?
I'm almost embarrassed to think about my past actions, but I will have to live what I did. I have to accept what I did wrong, even though I'm too embarrassed to think about it, the scientist part of me is forcing myself.
It's the reason I haven't updated, it's the reason that I haven't updated in over a month...and the reason that the drug hasn't exactly gotten anywhere in terms of research. So...okay. One night, after the prophecy, I was feeling excessively angry - like really angry. That I started researching about old blueprints, and how you can get your hands on one. I called a guy who knew a guy (and no, I'm not telling you his name) who could help me get to these blueprints, and I was going to pay them a premium. $1000 for a single copy of paper. But when I had gotten the money, they said that the palmister had already taken care of the fee. Wait what? I accepted it just because I was so blind with hate, but I should have realized something was weird. I started planning how I could get in, starting paying more attention to location of security cameras and started staying later so I could see how hyped up security is around the area. I found out that, because the palmist lives on the second floor of some yoga studio, that it's actually not too hard to get in and out because there's so few units above, and the tenant's only concern for nothing to go missing. The old lady above the palmist is also awfully friendly about letting people in "after hours."
Anyway, so I planned all around this, and decided on a whim, that within the week, I was going to break into the palmist's suite and...oh gods. And kill him, in cold-blooded murder even though he had done nothing wrong. And I mean nothing. Like absolutely nothing wrong, just doing his job and doing what he can do make a living, and people like me - people who are scared and annoyed at their lives take it out on him. I can't get the fact, how the hell could I mess up to that extent? Who on earth would want to marry some person like that?
So I went in the next week, not even a lie. I buzzed the elderly lady above her, who was more than willing to let me in. She even suggested that I go up for a 'cuppa,' but I was just so not in the mood. Not down for some insane thing like that, not with the rage I was carrying at that time. I just kind of went "yeah" and walked up. But I had to position my knife in the perfect way that it wasn't visible from the security camera, and I wore my hat and sweater in a way that they couldn't see my face.
When I got in, I knew what I had to do and I expected all my moves. But for some reason, the palmister was literally sitting in his chair, the chair he uses when listening to patients. I tried enter slowly, but somehow, he saw right through me. He didn't even look up before saying "I know why you're here, and I know what you're trying to do, but it's a bad idea..." I was taken aback...so taken aback that I had no idea what to do. I'm about to kill a guy in cold blood, and all he can say is "I know why you're here, but I can vouch for my life so you shouldn't kill me?" Fine, I wasn't in the right frame of mind, but what the heck am I supposed to say after the fact that he knew I was going to murder him? -_- Anyway, I didn't do anything that night, I'm so glad that I came to my senses and didn't do anything stupid that night. I'm glad that he was able to talk some sense out of me. Not that I'm happy that the prophecy is still the same, but at least it wasn't the worst case scenario.
Thing is, I learned something about my family that I never wanted to learn. There's a reason why the palmister didn't charge money for the past few appointments, and there's a reason that he paid for the blueprint. He's hinted at it a few times in meetings, but I just never thought his true reason would ever come out. I'm not a hundred percent sure, but he said something about being related to me by blood. As if finding out that I'm destined to marry my sister and then murder my father, and find out that my palmister is related to me by blood, this life is insane. I shouldn't believe it - but I do. And I don't know why.
I don't realize until I leave, that he's the only person in my life that I've every thought about killing - and he's been dropping hints about being related by blood. Is it possible that he is? That he actually is? Or he's playing me? Part of me doesn't want to find out just like I didn't want to find out about Jocasta. Then part of me wonders whether he's just saying it just cause and doesn't want to expand on it, or whether he's actually truly, meaning what he's suggesting.
Tuesday, 4 February 2014
Confusion and a mix of other emotions
Me, Myself and I:
I'm just not too sure what to do with the whole home-life because Oedipus isn't spending as much time as he used to at home. And as I mentioned before, I still don't know whether that's because I did something wrong or it's because the stress is just really getting to him. Part of me is slightly worried because I know that something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm worried about him. I've finally gained some courage to ask him about it but he is isn't willing to talk to me about it, he's just saying that it is confidential stuff about work and that he can't talk about it. But that's strange, you know? He's never quite acted like that before even though he's under stress, and we both know that he isn't telling the truth but he isn't willing to admit such a thing, which is really annoying me.
But I'm not going to call him out on it just because he's been under so much stress lately that I don't want to mention anything that's bad. I've always felt that going home is a kind of "safe enclosure" that everyone should be able to experience when they go home, so I've never been one for "Spill your secrets!" I think I'd much rather family members open up by themselves without you asking...we'll see how that turns out. I have faith in him.
- Jocasta
I'm just not too sure what to do with the whole home-life because Oedipus isn't spending as much time as he used to at home. And as I mentioned before, I still don't know whether that's because I did something wrong or it's because the stress is just really getting to him. Part of me is slightly worried because I know that something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm worried about him. I've finally gained some courage to ask him about it but he is isn't willing to talk to me about it, he's just saying that it is confidential stuff about work and that he can't talk about it. But that's strange, you know? He's never quite acted like that before even though he's under stress, and we both know that he isn't telling the truth but he isn't willing to admit such a thing, which is really annoying me.
But I'm not going to call him out on it just because he's been under so much stress lately that I don't want to mention anything that's bad. I've always felt that going home is a kind of "safe enclosure" that everyone should be able to experience when they go home, so I've never been one for "Spill your secrets!" I think I'd much rather family members open up by themselves without you asking...we'll see how that turns out. I have faith in him.
- Jocasta
Monday, 3 February 2014
I just..
I've googled a little bit about palm reading in general and a lot of people recommend continuously going to the palmister to get your palm read to see if anything changes. I'm thinking I might do this rather than dwell on the fact that I'm slightly terrified of the reading. I don't think I was wiling to admit that before, but now, now I am. I don't know how else to say it but, who the HELL wants to fuck up their sister and murder their father in cold blood?
But you know what, I'm just going to go visit the palmister maybe....every other week or so? Something like that, and if in 6 months, it's the same, I'll...try to dig a little deeper. I have to focus on the research and development of the drug, and I can't do that if I am constantly worrying over my family and personal life.
But you know what, I'm just going to go visit the palmister maybe....every other week or so? Something like that, and if in 6 months, it's the same, I'll...try to dig a little deeper. I have to focus on the research and development of the drug, and I can't do that if I am constantly worrying over my family and personal life.
Friday, 24 January 2014
Something's wrong...
Me, Myself, and I:
Oedipus hasn't been home too often. I'm not afraid of him reading what I wrote, but we respect each other's privacy. We wouldn't go into each other's belongings - I've never gone through his personal letters or diary entries and I know he would never go through mine. We're a sort of 'unique' couple in the sense that we do things together, but we know the times at which we can separate and do things ourselves. It's nice to have the independence along with knowing that someone's got your back no matter what.
Everything seems to be going wrong...maybe someone dropped a hint about something (but I don't know what this something would be). I have absolutely nothing to hide, it's not like I've done anything wrong, so I don't think he would turn on me for something that I haven't done wrong. Please make it better, please restore our relationship to what it used to be.
We've been so close for four years and I just...I just don't know what's happening now. Because it's now that he's starting to distance himself for some reason? But I haven't been doing anything differently - maybe he's thinking about taking it a step further and isn't willing to tell me?
- Jocasta
Oedipus hasn't been home too often. I'm not afraid of him reading what I wrote, but we respect each other's privacy. We wouldn't go into each other's belongings - I've never gone through his personal letters or diary entries and I know he would never go through mine. We're a sort of 'unique' couple in the sense that we do things together, but we know the times at which we can separate and do things ourselves. It's nice to have the independence along with knowing that someone's got your back no matter what.
Everything seems to be going wrong...maybe someone dropped a hint about something (but I don't know what this something would be). I have absolutely nothing to hide, it's not like I've done anything wrong, so I don't think he would turn on me for something that I haven't done wrong. Please make it better, please restore our relationship to what it used to be.
We've been so close for four years and I just...I just don't know what's happening now. Because it's now that he's starting to distance himself for some reason? But I haven't been doing anything differently - maybe he's thinking about taking it a step further and isn't willing to tell me?
- Jocasta
Sunday, 19 January 2014
Palmistry Update
I visited the palmister and he didn't tell me a word of what I wanted to hear. Not even a word. God, I regret going. It wasn't anything I expected and it was ten times worse than something like that should be like. No, I can't live like this...oh my god.
Oh The Olympians, if I ever - ever did anything nice to you, please, please, help me get out of the mess I am in. I'll even find a cow or a sheep to sacrifice for you, Apollo - or Artemis. Ares? Zeus? Poseidon? Is anyone here to help? PLEASE? Can anyone help....
*breathe in, breathe out* I shouldn't take this to heart, but the palmister hardly even had to look at my palm before he declared my horrible future. He told me that I would have a very hard future ahead of me and that I would marry my sister and kill my father. How I react to the fact will depend on how I make the decision - either I can lose my sister and father forever, or I'll know they'll have my back for a lifetime. Who on earth could survive or think even remotely straight if they were told about this horrible fact.
This is insane - I go from being the only child, the only offspring from some bitch who let me go, to someone who has a long-lost sister who just so happens to meet in the same place, and get together with each other. I can't accept that. That's absolutely crazy! I'm still trying to find my mother, but how the hell can I find her if I have absolutely no idea where to even start looking! And now I've got a father and a sister to find too?!
I SHOULDN'T BLOODY BELIEVE THIS KIND OF THING. I can't believe it! I don't! I'm a fucking scientist! I'm supposed to be studying science and believing in science, not magical things like reading palms and relying on such readings. I shouldn't be such an idiot, and yet...somehow, I am. How? Why can't I convince myself otherwise? I should be able to. Why can't I ever?
I feel almost unstable thinking about the fact that someone thought that, that was what I was destined to do. I can't even place my feelings in words, I'lll...you know, I don't know what I'll do, but whatever I need isn't on this kind of thing...bye.
Oh The Olympians, if I ever - ever did anything nice to you, please, please, help me get out of the mess I am in. I'll even find a cow or a sheep to sacrifice for you, Apollo - or Artemis. Ares? Zeus? Poseidon? Is anyone here to help? PLEASE? Can anyone help....
*breathe in, breathe out* I shouldn't take this to heart, but the palmister hardly even had to look at my palm before he declared my horrible future. He told me that I would have a very hard future ahead of me and that I would marry my sister and kill my father. How I react to the fact will depend on how I make the decision - either I can lose my sister and father forever, or I'll know they'll have my back for a lifetime. Who on earth could survive or think even remotely straight if they were told about this horrible fact.
This is insane - I go from being the only child, the only offspring from some bitch who let me go, to someone who has a long-lost sister who just so happens to meet in the same place, and get together with each other. I can't accept that. That's absolutely crazy! I'm still trying to find my mother, but how the hell can I find her if I have absolutely no idea where to even start looking! And now I've got a father and a sister to find too?!
I SHOULDN'T BLOODY BELIEVE THIS KIND OF THING. I can't believe it! I don't! I'm a fucking scientist! I'm supposed to be studying science and believing in science, not magical things like reading palms and relying on such readings. I shouldn't be such an idiot, and yet...somehow, I am. How? Why can't I convince myself otherwise? I should be able to. Why can't I ever?
I feel almost unstable thinking about the fact that someone thought that, that was what I was destined to do. I can't even place my feelings in words, I'lll...you know, I don't know what I'll do, but whatever I need isn't on this kind of thing...bye.
Palmistry
I have a palmistry appointment in an hour! He's not too far away, so I'll be leaving in a few minutes. It's almost entertaining that I'm actually going through with this, I just think it's a funny thing that Jocasta would really enjoy. It would be awfully entertaining!
Friday, 17 January 2014
Ha!
I'm coming up with so many ideas of things to give to Jocasta for her birthday...from hiring insane clowns to giving her a funny prophecy for the future. I'm thinking about the latter, actually! We always jokingly talk about the funny things that we can do in life, and what better funny thing to do than a prophecy! Those things are never really true, anyways.
I've also been thinking a lot about asking her hand in marriage. I can relate it to the fake prophecy that I get to learn about the future! I'm actually really excited about this, you don't even understand it at all. I can go to the palmister, remember the prophecy that he gave me, and then go back home, take her out for dinner, tell her the funny prophecy, and then propose to her.
I've also been thinking a lot about asking her hand in marriage. I can relate it to the fake prophecy that I get to learn about the future! I'm actually really excited about this, you don't even understand it at all. I can go to the palmister, remember the prophecy that he gave me, and then go back home, take her out for dinner, tell her the funny prophecy, and then propose to her.
Wednesday, 15 January 2014
Writing Here
Me, Myself, and I:
I'm not really accustomed to writing in diaries often, but I thought I would give it a try (to write periodically) just because...I don't know, why not? It's proven to be helpful to release all your positive (and negative) thoughts and sometimes, I think that there are too many of them bottled inside of me. I've been talking to people who constantly tell me that they write in diaries rather often, just to release their thoughts. And I thought..why not?
I'm a little adamant about the future - about the future of Oedipus and I. We've been dating 4 years already, and I don't know whether that's enough time to push it further - and I don't think it is. And this is the only steady relationship I have ever been in, and I have absolutely no idea how to keep "steady" relationships. I've never really been in a "steady" relationship to tell anyone what it means, so I don't know how to proceed.
- Jocasta
I'm not really accustomed to writing in diaries often, but I thought I would give it a try (to write periodically) just because...I don't know, why not? It's proven to be helpful to release all your positive (and negative) thoughts and sometimes, I think that there are too many of them bottled inside of me. I've been talking to people who constantly tell me that they write in diaries rather often, just to release their thoughts. And I thought..why not?
I'm a little adamant about the future - about the future of Oedipus and I. We've been dating 4 years already, and I don't know whether that's enough time to push it further - and I don't think it is. And this is the only steady relationship I have ever been in, and I have absolutely no idea how to keep "steady" relationships. I've never really been in a "steady" relationship to tell anyone what it means, so I don't know how to proceed.
- Jocasta
Monday, 13 January 2014
Presents, Presents!
YOOHOOOO! So I'm back - because I can't get over how epic this whole thing is - it's a cool kind of way to get into this diary thing.
I've been thinking a lot more about love and marriage between Jocasta, and I'm thinking, is it too early to propose to her after 4 years of dating? She's already mentioned that she's about 4 years older, but no one knows for sure. No one knows my birth date for sure, even though it's those "modern ages." Haha, MODERN AGE and I don't even know the year I was born. I would have known, but the day I got put into the orphanage, the person just didn't put the date of entry. And the system crashed before they had a chance to back it up, so I don't really know how old I am for certain. But does age really matter? I've never really paid any attention to the age, I just always thought that we had the natural chemistry and always got along together. We think very similarly, which I think is wonderful...anyways, I'll let you know about them ideas, because I'd like to give her something special!
I've been thinking a lot more about love and marriage between Jocasta, and I'm thinking, is it too early to propose to her after 4 years of dating? She's already mentioned that she's about 4 years older, but no one knows for sure. No one knows my birth date for sure, even though it's those "modern ages." Haha, MODERN AGE and I don't even know the year I was born. I would have known, but the day I got put into the orphanage, the person just didn't put the date of entry. And the system crashed before they had a chance to back it up, so I don't really know how old I am for certain. But does age really matter? I've never really paid any attention to the age, I just always thought that we had the natural chemistry and always got along together. We think very similarly, which I think is wonderful...anyways, I'll let you know about them ideas, because I'd like to give her something special!
Friday, 10 January 2014
Hi!
Me, Myself, and I:
Sorry I haven't updated in months! I've just been really busy in preparing everything - there's just so much to do around the house and..just thought I would do a quick update about my life, considering I started writing in you like 4 months ago, but I feel like I should get my past out on paper or something.
Hello. Oedipus and I met about 4 years ago where he stopped me in a coffee shop to ask me out on a date. He was the first sweet guy I've met in ages - the kind of person that you're glad to meet and glad to know. I'm just going to say it outright, I'm about 4 years older than him. No one knows the exact number for sure just because no one knows his true birth year, but you know...age difference just don't really matter all that much, not to us at least. He's always treated me with the utmost respect and never pushed me, and that's all that matters.
I love socializing, I love partying, and I just love getting to know people in general. I'm a pretty avid climber, and I think that's kind of a nice thing to end the day with. Or start the day, either way, it works real nicely.
Anyways, I shall be off as I have stuff to do,
- Jocasta.
Sorry I haven't updated in months! I've just been really busy in preparing everything - there's just so much to do around the house and..just thought I would do a quick update about my life, considering I started writing in you like 4 months ago, but I feel like I should get my past out on paper or something.
Hello. Oedipus and I met about 4 years ago where he stopped me in a coffee shop to ask me out on a date. He was the first sweet guy I've met in ages - the kind of person that you're glad to meet and glad to know. I'm just going to say it outright, I'm about 4 years older than him. No one knows the exact number for sure just because no one knows his true birth year, but you know...age difference just don't really matter all that much, not to us at least. He's always treated me with the utmost respect and never pushed me, and that's all that matters.
I love socializing, I love partying, and I just love getting to know people in general. I'm a pretty avid climber, and I think that's kind of a nice thing to end the day with. Or start the day, either way, it works real nicely.
Anyways, I shall be off as I have stuff to do,
- Jocasta.
Wednesday, 8 January 2014
My Biography
Hello! So I'm Oedipus. You spell that as Eed-de-pus, not Ooo-eee-dip-ius, which I get a lot. You would never believe it...somehow turning into being called, like...some insane chemical name or something. This is just a quick little thing about who I am, what I do for a living, and really how life is. I'm new to this whole diary thing - I just never accepted the fact that writing in a paper book would ever help. I don't think my life story is interesting, but I feel like I should get it out..you know - like OUT and about! But I'm just not really sure...you know, how to start or anything - but I guess..HERE GOES!
I'm a biologist and I'm working for a cure for H1N1 - and we're about to make a really big breakthrough in the science research. It's testing now, but like....seriously, how many drugs go through after years and years? I mean, of course, there are the smalllll little things that go wrong, but what's the likelihood of EVERYTHING going wrong? Pretty small, eh? At least I hope so! I think my voice here is kind of strange...you know, I've never been accustomed to this kind of technology like things, and so updating my entire life story on this is a little bit scary. Hopefully some people will support me...
Anyways, a slight history about myself. So I was adopted and I've JOYFULLY moved through like, twenty seven families. Sorry. That seems impersonal - I did actually live with 27 families, it's not a lie. Some of them were all sweet and nice and some of them were just downright idiotic. One of them, the mother, she just kept beating me, and then the adoption agency and Child Services took me out thank god. I still have the cigarette scars all over my stomach and some deep scars on my back. She used to drink and smoke all the time, and when he was drunk, she would put out his cigarette on my stomach. If I refused, he would still - put it on my stomach forcefully and then make me strip my top and beat my on my back. Well, that's almost depressing but I've accepted it for a fact, so I'm not really sure what else I can do. I'm still looking for my birth mother though. I just think it would be SO great to be reunited with her. I don't know whether she would want to see me, considering she gave me up so long ago. But I wonder how she feels about the situation.
My friend suggested that I sign up for that thing - the thing where you can search up possible family members and find them. I forget what it's called something about ancestors or ancestry - THAT'S IT! ANCESTRY.COM. Ancestry and I signed up for it. I found someone who should be around the age my mother would have been - about 18 years older than me? From what I hear, she was 18 when she had me, and then she just kind of dumped me into the orphanage. But I wasn't adopted, so I just kept moving through foster families. I wonder whether she regrets it, you know? It's just kind of...different perspective to think about! I messaged the person, but I'm still waiting back on a response. Anyway, I have to start cooking dinner in time for Jocasta to come back home - so later!
I'm a biologist and I'm working for a cure for H1N1 - and we're about to make a really big breakthrough in the science research. It's testing now, but like....seriously, how many drugs go through after years and years? I mean, of course, there are the smalllll little things that go wrong, but what's the likelihood of EVERYTHING going wrong? Pretty small, eh? At least I hope so! I think my voice here is kind of strange...you know, I've never been accustomed to this kind of technology like things, and so updating my entire life story on this is a little bit scary. Hopefully some people will support me...
Anyways, a slight history about myself. So I was adopted and I've JOYFULLY moved through like, twenty seven families. Sorry. That seems impersonal - I did actually live with 27 families, it's not a lie. Some of them were all sweet and nice and some of them were just downright idiotic. One of them, the mother, she just kept beating me, and then the adoption agency and Child Services took me out thank god. I still have the cigarette scars all over my stomach and some deep scars on my back. She used to drink and smoke all the time, and when he was drunk, she would put out his cigarette on my stomach. If I refused, he would still - put it on my stomach forcefully and then make me strip my top and beat my on my back. Well, that's almost depressing but I've accepted it for a fact, so I'm not really sure what else I can do. I'm still looking for my birth mother though. I just think it would be SO great to be reunited with her. I don't know whether she would want to see me, considering she gave me up so long ago. But I wonder how she feels about the situation.
My friend suggested that I sign up for that thing - the thing where you can search up possible family members and find them. I forget what it's called something about ancestors or ancestry - THAT'S IT! ANCESTRY.COM. Ancestry and I signed up for it. I found someone who should be around the age my mother would have been - about 18 years older than me? From what I hear, she was 18 when she had me, and then she just kind of dumped me into the orphanage. But I wasn't adopted, so I just kept moving through foster families. I wonder whether she regrets it, you know? It's just kind of...different perspective to think about! I messaged the person, but I'm still waiting back on a response. Anyway, I have to start cooking dinner in time for Jocasta to come back home - so later!
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